When you have something to say…

When you have something to say…

…say it to me, because I will be able to comprehend it. I will probably even be able to reflect on it.

[audio:Radiohead_-_Creep.mp3]

One of my favorite tunes. “Creep” by Radiohead.

My mind, my heart is like this song. Even the lyrics.

I think unlike my friends, I have grown cold to the idea of helping others. The lingering desire is still there. I am still human. However, being so far out, so foreign to social humans, I am like an ancient wasp, defrosted from an eon of sleep. Large and ugly, with spikes and huge eyes, huge fuzzy wings and large jagged pincers. It’s amazing humans allow me to live. I’m almost surprised that humans haven’t formed a huge mob to come strike me to death.

Amazing isn’t it?

I haven’t touched Cockburn Port for a few weeks now, but about 15 minutes ago, I just needed it and I downed two shots. I feel fucking great, but you know what? I need to drop into bed in less than 15 minutes.

I hate World of Warcraft, but I hate it as much as I love it.

I started talking with Patrick recently, sharing my thoughts. Right now, they are on a second onion layer of thoughts and emotions, but in time, I will ease him in there. Sometimes, I think back on the nights I’ve shared my thoughts with Albert and wonder if I can take any of my friends now to those depths. The problem is how I perceive the social perceptions of my current friends. I ‘test’ them constantly and unfortunately, they have over and over again told me they are one with common society.

Patrick asked me a couple of nights ago if I missed Albert and Jenny. I told him that I missed our moments, moments in our past, but I don’t miss them as they have become now. My mom asked me a few weeks ago if I would seek Albert out again and I told her that I cannot be friends with ill-tempered petty controlling people.

When Jason expressed his ill-temper last Wednesday, over what I perceived as unreasonable and lopsided at the time, it reminded me of Albert. That completely went away when he apologized to me. Which is something Albert has never done sincerely. He has only done regretfully, but to mean it, was another thing.

I look back on the last ten years and I kept thinking about Jessica. I think our friendship was pretty tight, but I was immature and too complicated. I developed a crush on her and as Michelle had pointed out before, I found ways to go screw it up and I did.

I think a perfect intimate relationship for me is if the situation divided us, therefore, separating us mutually. I’m pretty sure I am incapable of long term intimate relationships, because I would eventually scare or irritate my lover away. Seriously, I’m in the wrong business. I want to be a race car driver. I want to be a super bike racer. I want to be a fighter pilot. I want to be fast and free. Maybe in my next life time, if there is one. Maybe what I have no learned in this life time, I can learn in my next.

There is one person I constantly think about as someone I can truly share my thoughts to, without receiving social judgment and she is Kristl Buckland. She is someone who has a very personal relationship with the universe. However, she is not my confidant – one of, but not THE one. I think ultimately, THE one is non-existing. Especially, not with my current position.

I wonder though, if Jason has noticed… If he has noticed that he’s standing still while everyone else as one group is moving to some place else right? Maybe. Maybe I give him too much credit, but he remind me of me in many ways, minus the temper, minus the close-to-six-figures-you-make, minus the Catholic background, minus the Jesus-loving freak part, minus the Korean girl fetish and minus the burnt knees…

I constantly see this. I can’t name names here, because it’s lame if I do, but it’s constantly on my mind. Evolution of the community. Lovely. Fucking lovely.

Time for bed.

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