This song is from the ‘pondering days’ of my youth. The days after lost and exposure. This was 1999.

A few weeks ago, my mom shed a tear for me with a slightly whimpering voice she said in Cantonese: “You choose the hardest path, walk the toughest road, through the thickest of obstacles to achieve a little enjoyment and when you get that sparkle of joy, life smacks you back down and you walk another difficult road. It breaks my heart to see you go through such a life.”

It is not a wonder why people often abandoned me. Most people cannot stand a person with a precision mind. Those that can are either extremely tolerant or extremely patient, probably both.

I am a walking contradiction. My greatest traits are also my biggest weaknesses. I need sleep.

For the last few days, I’ve been especially down and I think the whole thing with Pete three days ago really sparked the active down-ness. After I read his 2nd post in the forums and after everyone including myself defended ourselves and made it seem like we were ganging up on him, I felt extremely depressed. I knew he was a sensitive guy since from years ago and after that, I knew he was going to take it pretty hard. Then it happened. He left us all.

As the GM of a guild, I do not consider myself the “Big Boss”. I just consider myself as part of the management team. In Pete’s last essay post in our Secret Treehouse, he remarked that he felt amongst other things that as a guild, we shouldn’t keep secrets from each other, that we shouldn’t have a secret meeting place to talk behind other people’s backs. I disagreed with him greatly. However, instead of reiterating our entire conversation here, I will just say that when a guild gets big enough, officers need a place to discuss how to direct the guild and how to handle certain people – ALL THE WHILE keeping in mind their personalities, the stability of the guild and the overall representation of our name.

In short: some people have short tempers, others are very patient and tolerant. Some people are very sensitive and sweet, while others may be blunt and apathetic. Some people might need to be talked a certain way to be considerate towards their personalities and way of thought. Some others might desire straight-up, no BS sort of direct answers.

I support the “Knights of the Round Table” sort of management, but as such, those that follow us and are what could be considered our ‘brethren’, ‘should’ also give their trust to us. So far in the last 1.5 years, have we once steered the guild in a way in which to compromise our fun and friendship? Have we once mete out punishment unfairly? Have we once refuse to hear the suggestions and feelings of our guild members? Never. We have always listened and reacted accordingly. When an officer suggested an action for punishment, I always looked at it with a more caring eye and always suggested “another chance”.

There is one thing Pete could not take into consideration and that was as management, as officers, we have to think objectively. We have to think with an open BUT considerate mind. We cannot just act on the notion of impulse. Sure, someone like Mel might be able to handle our opinions and suggestions, but can Pete guarantee that the other roughly 40 guild members we have can also handle it? Has he never thought that some people does not react the same way as Mel? Mel over a year ago, had destructive tendencies and she even said herself that sometimes she needed to be reminded that she ‘shouldn’t’ go off on people like that. As officers, sometimes we vent, sometimes we blow off some heat, but we do that IN CONSIDERATION of those we are venting about. After we do that, it’s gone. It’s water under the bridge. It’s where the officers, the managers blow off some steam where we normally couldn’t or shouldn’t.

Pete has his heart in the right place and in theory would have made a great Captain, but in practice, he was too emotionally charged. That is fine and I think that’s fantastic as a friend, but as an officer, one must look at things much farther into the horizon and beyond that.

I could not post this at the forums because I didn’t want to re-stir this topic up again when people there are doing their best to ‘heal’ from this loss. Yes, it IS a loss because we lost a great partner and friend and of course, a great tank ^_~.

I am sorry that we sounded so harsh and felt as though we were ganging up on him and I think my emotions of injustice took over, as well as my ‘professional’ stance on how management should be like. However, ultimately, this was just a matter of personal opinion and our differences on that. In fact, I was going to ask Mel to ask him to come back ‘home’ in a few days after things cool down. Alas, he is gone to sort out his own life, something he wanted to do awhile ago anyway. His Captain’s seat is still opened, when one day, if he decides to come back. He will be missed and I hope he knows that.

One thing that has been on the back of my mind for awhile now has been Amber’s situation at home in Germany with her family. Over the last year and a half, I found out she went through a complicated childhood and that persists through her early adulthood now. It’s annoying knowing that she has very superficial support from her family there. It seems like Amber tries her best to make the most out of a failed relationship with her family.

She has told me she enjoys Christmas and New Years with them, but at the same time, doesn’t look forward to spending time with them, but she has nothing else physical to go to to keep her socially connected. So there is a trade-off between hating going there and deal with the inconsiderate bi-polar lying mom and having a place besides her own apartment to go to when she needs the company.

Over here, I have told everyone about Amber. My closest friends, my family and most of my closest relatives know about my relationship with Amber as well. Most of them cannot grasp the idea of a long distance romance and some of them are even a bit confused. I admit that this unorthodox method of romance is on questionably shaky ground, but I’ve come far since a year and a half ago with her. We have emotionally solidified our relationship. We know we’re not just friends and we know this is complicated at best. However, I think I am pretty set on this path. It isn’t because I cannot imagine myself being with someone else. It is simply because there is no reason to imagine myself being with someone else.

I will be flying over to Germany this mid-April to be with her for two weeks. It’s not enough, but it’s a good ‘next step’. In fact, I already have money saved on the side to help her buy a plane ticket over here. So it’s really just a matter of time that she comes over here after I go over there and this time, we’re not just friends visiting. ^_^

I’ve talked to my mom a lot about Amber. So she knows almost everything about her. For awhile now, I have told myself repeatedly that we have to make her feel welcomed here, as if there are people here that actually care about her. My mom has a lot of desires for her sons, but she realizes that to be realistic, she needs to look at this more objectively. However, even then, there are a few basic things she requires of Amber to do if she is to stay with me as my lover.

• she needs to have a job, even if it’s part-time
• she needs to get rid of her smoking habit
• and my mom hopes that she will not be fake and ‘hollow’ towards my parents, but this isn’t as important as the other ones above

My mom does not need Amber to be rich, nor making lots of money, but my mom believes that Amber needs to be able to look out for herself as the most basic necessity of life. My mom doesn’t mind that much that I work and partially support Amber, but my mom hopes that I don’t need to take on the heavy burden of taking care both of my parents on top of supporting my lover, because then I will have no life. My mom said that even if I was making six figures, Amber should have a job, at least a part-time job to show that she is willing and able to support me if the scenario ever happens that I cannot work. Ultimately, it’s all about showing maturity and respect. This is a big thing in most Asian-ethnic families. Unlike most Asian-ethnic families, my mom has already been very yielding. My mom made it very clear to me what she expects from Amber and she will leave everything else between Amber and I since it is ultimately our lives.

With that said, my mom also hopes that Amber and I will work out even though she worries about my trip there in April. After knowing about Amber’s family situation, my mom has also remarked that as a family, we should make her feel welcomed and that our home is warm for her. My dad is indifferent. So long as Amber isn’t a bad girl in the sense of most of my exes, then it’s good enough.

Every now and then, I would think of something to do in my house that coincides with Amber coming here and do it. For example, my mom switched my dad’s queen sized bed with my twin-sized bed. She remarked: “When you two sleep together, I don’t want to hear the squeaking your bed makes. So take your dad’s bed. It’s on the ground and it doesn’t squeak.”

I also moved my desks and computers around in my computer room for three reasons: 1) better space management, 2) easier to play games and talk to the other person and 3) so Amber and I can play WoW and possibly SWTOR together without needing to turn around and talk. It also made me think that if she persists in graphic design, then it will be more convenient for us to work together the way the room is set up.

There are some drawers in my room that can be cleaned out and its contents move elsewhere. So I have enough room for her stuff when she comes over.

Lastly, I have a savings account for things we need to spend money on. I have went as far as thinking about what sort of things she needs and wants and mentally budgeted them for the short term and long term.

Anyway, so the biggest theme to her coming over is not just to be with me, but to actually feel welcomed here. To actually feel like she ‘belongs’ here. There will be food and drinks in the fridge for her, snacks to munch on, a bed for her to sleep, a guy she can fuck and cuddle with ^_^, high powered desktop PC’s she can play games on, moderate, webcam with her family back home, email, shop online, etc. She will have the chance to learn how to drive with me teaching her. I can take her shopping for new clothes. I’ll take her to new restaurants and try out different foods minus the seafood until she is ready, though my mom might look at her like this o_O when Amber refuses to eat the 80% seafood stuff she cooks.

Indeed, the longer she stays with me, the more mundane the days become, but I hope that my desire to keep learning and experiencing new or improved things can keep us on our toes and renew ourselves over time. If you think about it, if each of us live to our late 80′s to mid 90′s, we still have many years to go. That’s at least another 55 to 60 years! I am unwilling to leave my life as is if I have such a long way to go and that is why I am working my ass off now, so I don’t need to worry so much later on in life – that my dad has become. I am not going to follow in my dad’s foot steps and make my life companion unhappy or sad because I am a selfish greedy naive prick.

^_^

So that’s that. <3

And on that bombshell: doesn’t the Fake Baby Eating Cannibal resemble Jonathan of the Tsang Kingdom? DON’T THEY LOOK LIKE BROTHERS?!?!?! Coincidence? I THINK NOT! O_O

Take Jason for example. He’s staying at his uncle’s place in Calgary. Jason was given a chance to find work and stay with his uncle in Calgary and as such, has found a great job all thanks to his uncle giving him a place to crash. His uncle’s family is a religious family and they go to church multiple times a week and have many bible study sessions at home as well. In Jason’s ultra empathetic gratitude towards his uncle’s family, he has agreed to go to church with them, religious events and now, stopped using the internet because he feels it is rude when they are having a bible study session in that house.

Can someone please wake me up or at least tell me why he feels that it is rude for telling the religious family that he doesn’t want to go to church because he is not Christian? Can someone enlighten me why he can’t stay inside his bedroom, to use his laptop to use the internet when the family is having bible study downstairs?

I mean seriously: what does the family’s religious affiliation and events have anything to do with him and what he does with his private time and space? Firstly, he was invited and his uncle knew he is agnostic and not religious. Second, his uncle never forced him to go to church.

I cannot grasp why someone would be super ultra empathetic this way? I cannot help but see Jason sometimes as a pushover for letting people take advantage of him and letting others step all over him. Sure, this “I am a guest at his house and surfing the net after a long day of work in the privacy of my own room” *might* be considered rude, but I personally feel this is taking it way too far. I am surprised he doesn’t stand at their beck and call every day, every waking hour. Heck, I am surprised he doesn’t stand at a street corner waiting for those in need and help them cross the street out of good will.

Jason isn’t the only one. He is just one of two experiences I’ve observed. Amber being the other.

Whenever Amber goes back to her sister’s place, she cannot use the internet, BUT she can help her nieces with homework, play games with her nieces, cook, clean, do the laundry, vacuum, take the dogs out, care for the dogs, help the sister with chores and all other servitude jobs, BUT she cannot bring her laptop upstairs to talk on MSN or surf the net or do anything with her laptop in fact.

WHAT

THE

HELL?

She says that her sister and mom considers it rude. Oh right: it’s rude for her to use her laptop when there is nothing else to do but sit around and enjoy dust floating in the air and doing chores, but it’s not rude for her sister and mom to borrow money from her and pay her back in tiny bits AFTER they spend money on a tv, a puppy and an Android phone? What sort of world do we live in seriously?

When I look at Jason’s super ultra empathetic gratitude towards his uncle’s family and Amber’s mom and sister, I truly feel that I am living in a Twilight Zone episode. There is a time and place to show gratitude and there is obviously a way to be tactful when not trying to overstay one’s welcome as a guest.

My mom and I had a talk about this awhile ago, in particular to Amber’s situation and she gave me exactly what I expected in expressions: o_O I said to her after, that if my brother who moved out a few years ago, came back here one day and took out his laptop, I would not even think for a second that it’s rude for him to do so. In fact, if my brother came home and for some reason, I became a Hindu and I was having some scripture studies with my buddies, I would not think for a moment as rude, if he decided to go upstairs to the computer room to use the internet. My mom shared my thoughts as well and chuckled at the notion of how some people can find something so utterly mundane and normal as being rude, especially in your own family’s house. It’s not like my brother is going to move in suddenly with his dog, his belongings and leech off of us for the next few months.

For Jason, I give you a silver WTF medal of the month. For Amber, I award your mom and your sister a bronze WTF medal of the month and for you honey, I gave you a nominated WTF of the month certificate. Please cherish them as you both cherish redundant mundane standards of gratitude.

Check this out: How to be a good house guest? – common sense I would think? Just don’t overdo the “being good” part.

There isn’t much that inspires me these days, let alone motivate me, but I keep going regardless.

Amber and I very recently had a conversation about the fear of getting through all the things one strive for, just to turn around and find that you’re standing right next to the edge of a very deep crater. Maybe in her eyes, there is nothing much to look forward to besides being together with me, but in my eyes, I know that death awaits all of us and that’s just a matter of time. However, before you think that I am going to use the “we eventually all die” card, I am not. In fact, it is this very thing that keeps me going. Death isn’t the one I need to contend with. Those that care for me and rely on me are the ones I need to contend to. In my world, there are craters everywhere – not just behind me, but I have no desire to fail nor lose to myself because there is more out there. I just need to make sure not to fall in.

Amber said that it seems like the only thing in her life is me that keeps her focused but because I am not there yet, that focus is blurred and she is unsure about her life. Her total lack of immediate support is what is keeping her from doing what needs to be done. If she was in a pair of shoes that these things are normal every day events, then yes, she can easily do them too, but unfortunately, she’s not in those pair of shoes.

She told me that she no longer feels she has the same relationship she once did with her family now but it seems like she never had that relationship in the first place. A good relationship is built around trust. I saw no trust in her relationship with her family, especially with the mom. However, I am not here to criticize her family. I am just an outsider to that. What I will say instead is that she undervalues herself in her family thinking that there is no longer anything for her there, but I think she is wrong.

She may not have her mom and her sister, but she has her grandma, her two nieces and the familiarity of her homeland. Does Amber think that all that time spent with her nieces mean nothing? Is her time spent with them that superficial? Every little thing each of us do counts in some way. You may not realize it, but I still think about the tiniest things that people do for me every now and then. Like when I was about 6 years old and my baby sitter told my brother and I that the oil and water cooked with cabbage is what makes it taste sweet. For some reason I can never forget what she said and how she looked at the time: big black thick glasses, frizzly hair, typical nerdy girl look.

Furthermore, this was something I hinted before, but all relationships take effort. When she told me that she’s at a party and no one seems to care about her, I am reminded of when I was a teenager when I felt the same way. I learned that most people didn’t even know how to relate to me, but as I got older and gained more awareness, I realize that it’s not up to others to try to reach out to me especially if I close myself off so readily. I had to be opened to the idea in the first place – make a compromise and reach out, find a middle ground between us and grow from there.

Take Patrick and I. We’re two different people, but yet we’re pretty close. If Pat and I met under different conditions, I am pretty sure we would never have been friends, but fortunately, we were young and we had ample time to grow up as individuals and eventually as friends and brothers. Amber and I are different people too, but we’re able to get to this point in time and that took effort from both of us. Our relationship is proof that she can do more with her life and that her life is not a total failure. I am but one milestone in her life. There are many more waiting for her. She just needs to go and make those calls.

She says she wants badly to belong to a family, a community, a group of friends. Well Amber, it’s really just around the corner or down the street. Once you cease that moment, you’ll slowly and gradually be on your way to connecting with a family or even start one. 8)

Anyway, Amber has a lot going for her and it’s irritating to see that she cannot recognize this and only see herself standing at the edge of a crater. Did you know that the loneliest people on Earth aren’t those that try to get out of problems, but those that try to get into them? Successful politicians, warrior kings and queens, those with an unquenchable thirst for power and passion, and those who have a single mind and focus.

She asked me why it seems like I only talk about her bad traits and hardly her good traits. She has many good traits I adore and hold onto, but her bad traits counter those quite beautifully. They are overwhelmingly bad traits, but there are a lot fewer bad traits than there are good traits. In my eyes, her bad traits are:

1) Mostly talks, but rarely takes action.
2) Has an extremely hard time following through with what needs to be done.
3) She no longer makes promises because she knows she can’t keep most of them.
4) Has a shallow view of life and how she fits in it.
5) Scared easily of the consequences, but doesn’t react on it on time.

As my friends, you’re probably shaking your head right now as to why I am still with her and why I am trying so hard to work my ass off for a future with her. Well the following are the things why I adore and want her in my life that I cannot find anywhere else:

1) Her cuteness in looks and personality.
2) Her playfulness.
3) Her ability to try to stick to her principles.
4) Her femininity and charm.
5) Her big beautiful round breasts. Yeah you’re all probably rolling your eyes on this one, especially Michelle.
6) Her luscious lips and how she know how to put on cosmetics. A woman that knows how to put on make-up is important. A lot of women don’t know this.
7) I love her hair 99% of the time even when it’s messy and wild.
8) I like how she is resilient and willing for change to better herself.
9) I like that she has the mentality for fairness and try to avoid violence.
10) I like the fact she can paint and have an artistic side.
11) I like the fact that she is family oriented and have no problem with not having her own. This shows how willing she is to protect others worth protecting.
12) She cares about how she looks but is not obsessed to the point where it brings both of us down. Therefore she has a will to try to better herself physically visually and fitness-wise.
13) I like the fact she is not just book smart, but is also worldly intellectual.
14) I like that she has an interest in literature and art and have an interest in music that matters to her.
15) I like that she is in fact a sexual person. Though she may not be very opened to the idea of giving me shows or be a very liberal exhibitionist, I know she is a compatible lover.
16) She is ‘girly’, but not whiney like many Asian girls I know. She’s ‘just right’.
17) She has a willingness to learn and explore, even though certain things right now may obstruct her from enjoying it.

I have already invested a lot of time, effort and money into building this long distance romance and relationship. Giving up now is a waste of that and I am unwilling to let it go so easily. All I want is for Amber to show me a little respect and follow through what she needs to do in her life in order to secure her lifestyle. Is that so hard to do? Is this one thing so difficult to follow through not just for me, but for those who is also a part of your life like your nieces?

There is no level 85 if you cannot even get pass level 1. Namaya would still be hitting 1.5k DPS at level 85 if not for all the time you put into her. Like there is no us, a place to move into, a future to walk through, a potential family to have and new friends to make if there is no security for yourself now. Do you intend for me to work mindlessly and endlessly like Marlon does or are you going to help me help us and help our future?

And you’re right actually… That wallpaper representation is you. What inspires my heart is none other than you. Death only motivates me to try harder for myself, for you, for us and for all those that I care about in my life.

I am a fighter. Not a lover.

Tune: “Shigure no Koro” by Kenji Kawai
Drink: Ginseng Catnip Tea
Mood: Sleepy

Many years ago, probably before Cindy and I met, I remarked to my mom that I am someone that is hard to get along with, especially if they insist to become my lover. On one hand, I know how to please and pleasure, but at the same time, I have way too much pride and principle. This often times conflict with the softer side of me. I am simply not used to being soft and gentle. I am like a wild man or even an untamed beast that requires the gentle and patient touch of a particular person to calm my heart and lead me to worship her. When I say worship, I mean to adore and love her.

Sometimes, I think about how some of my male friends do it with their wives and lovers and I cannot wrap my head around it. How can they keep their irritations to themselves when otherwise, they would rant and whine from ear reach of their wives and lovers? How can they keep their temper and patience, when they are obviously wronged or worst yet, ignored and treated indifferently? I do not believe it is love that keeps them like that. I believe it is something else. I know a lot of men that let their wives and lovers step all over them. Then when I meet up with them, they are usually so worn out and stressed.

I remember years ago, Albert and I often talked about ancient times and how we truly belonged there or far into the future where we can bring forth our visionary ideals and put them to good use for the greater good. He was born a general’s grandson (literally) and I was born a scholarly farmer’s son (literally). Together, we could have been great partners in war. Albert could have been a great commander. I could have been one of his strategic advisers. Of course, those days are long long long gone and we are the loose reminiscent of those diluted memories passed down through the generations.

Anyway, I know it’s hard being my lover. What would someone like me need in a lover? To me, this is so simple, but I feel for today’s day and age, what I require is difficult unless that woman has a semi-traditional mix in her blood. Today’s era of women require the acknowledgement of pure equality, yet demand the comfort of their man as their ‘teddy bear’. What do men get in return? They can either hope their lady give them the feminine touch or in most cases, get a woman that drives them up the wall all in the name of empowering women and keeping their men in place.

To me, I can admire a warrior woman more than a scholar-made woman. I may be able to play a mental game of chess with a woman and flirt like crazy and fuck each other’s brains out both mentally and physically, but that’s not admiration. That’s just attraction from seduction. I guess you can say that I can admire a warrior woman as I do the earth on which I walk on, which lets me walk on, which lets me fight my battles on. On the other hand, there are a lot of scholarly women these days. They want to show the world they are smart, beautiful and capable. I don’t need that. They’re a dime a dozen. What I need is a warrior woman who understands the path I walk on, the roads I choose and ride on and why I chose them.

In my fantasy, I would come home after a long battle. She would take away my sword and gently, respectfully put it away. Then she would help take off my armour, making sure to respect it as to respect me. Once my armour comes off and stowed away, she would come and help undress me to tend to my wounds.

That is pretty much all I need. In return, I will guarantee her my heart, my adoration and my love for her eternally.

In my fantasy, we can sit together and we would have tea together, while we both admire the scenery around us like the cherry petals raining down all around us, like the ripples on the surface of the little creek and pond full of carp, like the birds chirping and the wind chimes chiming nearby. She would tell me about her day, her thoughts lately, some of her dreams from both when she was asleep and the dreams she gets when she hums a tune. Maybe she met someone and she tells me about her conversations with that person.

It could be anything simple, even mundane and that in itself would reach me because my mind is almost otherwise somewhere else. Who brings me back down to earth? She does through the words she speaks and through the voice I am familiar to.

Lately, I have been having flashbacks of my childhood, where I was bullied a lot and segregated by others because I was ‘unique’. Unlike the majority of other kids at the time, I stood up for myself and I made sure people knew I would stand my ground. They picked on me more and tried to topple me. They tried their best to hurt me both emotionally and physically.

There was a time that I never told anyone where I rode my bike to this sand mound where many kids goes to play as their ‘fort’. I remember there was this one friend I had. His name is Muhammed. He was a mutual friend between Patrick and I. He became friends with some Polish kids which I hated and they hated me. I rode my bike there, to spy on them. Some of them snuck up on me and threw planks of wood, rocks and other construction material at me. It hurt. I remember something hard hit my head, then my backside, then my arm and beyond that, I was firstly, too much in shock and secondly too heart broken to count the constant throwing of hard things at me. I walked away – NOT run away. I walked away pushing my bike, while being thrown things at.

You see? Even at that age, I had too much dignity and pride. I didn’t cry, but it hurt. That pain lasted to this day.

That was during the late 1980′s, probably 1989 and 1990. From then on, things just got harder. As things got harder, my heart got harder. My ‘soul’ became more fortified. I went from a kid that mainly played by himself with only a couple of friends all the way through many hardship to become the way I am today. I do not seem like much from the outside, but one thing I pride myself in is that I have kept my core intact all these years. Unfortunately, at the same time, because of this fact, I have become unstable in other aspects, like my emotional process. On one hand, I have kept my principles and my identity intact naturally. On the other hand, I am unable to fortify my emotions and how they connect with the outside world.

I find that I don’t know how to deal with it.

For too long have I been a fighter. I do not know how to love by saying it, nor by reacting on it. However, like a fighter, I express it through action, through opportunity, through giving people chances and openings to show their affection towards me, so maybe once they show me, I can learn to react.

Sincerity is important to me and that is shown through action ‘at home’. If my lover cannot offer this one simple thing, then what need is there for anything else when I can get it on my own on the field of battle?

This song is used as my ringtone for my phone. It’s cute isn’t it? I love it when people call me and I set it to non-silent. It reminds me of six-legged robots cleaning and moving things around. ^_~

So I think it’s about time I speak a bit about this mysterious woman named Amber. The last few blogs were about her in a negative light but I think it’s about time I told you all about what she really means to me and why I’m still doing all of this. I think it’s unfair to only give my friends one side of the story when there are at least two and better yet, infinitely more than two sides accurately put. However, before I get to her, I want to shed a little light on my own past…

Since as far back as I could remember, I never thought of meeting the right girl, fall in love, move in together and make babies, possibly get married along the way and announce to the world I am hers and she is mine. After high school, that thought never really crossed my mind until I met Virginia, but even then when I think back on those days, I was truly a douche bag and immature boy undeserving of anything intimate, let alone companionship. Yes, I was a douche bag.

I went through a few women here and there and met Cindy and we were together for just over a year, but I was holding onto two major things: 1) emotional obligation to the fact I felt I was such a bastard for not being there for her when her mom was in the hospital and 2) I already invested my emotions into it and wanted to make things work. I knew for a fact that it was a crappy relationship and she was simply not the right woman for me.

More years went by and more women came and went. Eleven local women and three foreign women later, I found someone who I met through a penpal site at a chat room, which brought us together through emails, MSN, then eventually web cam through Skype. Somehow, in all of our conversations, we fell for each other. She matched me intellectually, sexually and from a horny aging man’s perspective, her age is quite perfect – nine years younger. As you all know, most of the women I’ve been intimate with had been older than me.

However, Amber soon found out that I had many bad things about me:

1) hot tempered
2) easily irritated by things I deem easily solvable
3) impatient about her inabilities
4) huge necessity to be appreciated because I went through my entire life unappreciated for the most part
5) often have complicated emotions associated to complicated principles
6) critical about certain things

You all may never realize this until I tell you, but with all these things, I have given her a lot of grief. We talk almost every day. We also have had a lot of arguments and fights and many times she has cried over these things. Why? Mainly because I misunderstand the things she say to me. Secondarily because I have a different level of need from her than she does with me.

You all may think that this isn’t a real relationship because we don’t see each other physically and we cannot see the mundane stretches of both of our lives, but I think this is where you’re all wrong. On average, I have gone through more intimate relationships than most of my friends in a rough period of ten years, most of them from around here. If my relationship with Amber is not real, then I will tell you that most of the women I’ve been with prior to Amber were mainly on the superficial side of things: great sex, good laughter, some cuddling, let’s call it quits, some drama, end of story. With Amber, it’s all intellectual and emotional. I also think she looks very appealing to me even with all her nuisances. Why? I think the next bit sums it up…

Michelle recently wrote me:

“You not experiencing the little things that irritate, the things people in long term relationships have to put up with. You are only seeing the good bits, the bits she is allowing you to see. What would happen if you had the opportunity to be together (Ha! Get your mind out the gutter Li!). How long do you think it will last when you get the mundane and no pre empting?”

The longest lasting local relationship I’ve been in lasted from December 2004 to March 2006 and that was after six attempts of breaking up, three of which we broke up for one week up to one month, lots of hot and coldness and many fights. The shortest relationship lasted about two weeks. Now the question is, coinciding what Michelle said there about the mundane and pre empting: Do you think a local relationship with the mundane and no pre empting with the last fourteen women I’ve been with would be any different than if I were have met Amber in person first, than if I had met her online, developed an emotional and intellectual connection and then take it to the next step? Mind you, I am not addressing Michelle here. I am talking to the ether using Michelle’s comment here.

In other words for clarity sakes: I personally think that the mundane and pre empting is not a factor in my relationship with Amber because I already know how she behaves, how she reacts, how she acts on things and she knows about my nuisances as well. The fact is: we know our individual problems, we know about the daily nuisances of our habits, the worst habits, the tiny ones and the big ones. Some of our arguments in fact are about the mundane and the non pre empting elements of our lives. Believe it or not, Amber and I go a few steps further than any local relationship and actually tell each other what we do moment by moment every day.

One thing I know for sure and most of you may laugh at me for saying this, is that I know Amber for sure will try her best to change her worst habits. As for her small habits, well, I can’t expect her to change them, but it would be nice if she would – eg: the smoking bit annoys me, but I stopped nagging her at the start of this year. It’s called compromise. I give in a little to her needs and wants and she gives in a little too.

Anyway, I always like to go back to the whole “Is a friendship then a real relationship? How about a penpal?” If a real intimate relationship solely revolves around being physically together, than the point of a friendship must be extremely shallow, yet most of you would disagree. If a real intimate relationship solely revolves around being physically together, then soldiers out on the battlefield thousands of miles away while their husbands or wives are at home must mean they aren’t in a real relationship. Of course, you will say that they already met each other, had dates, had sex, got married, had babies, but that is exactly it…

When do you draw the line of being in a real relationship and not in one? Let me ask you all this: How many local relationships do you know have had a divorce? Had someone cheated on? Had no love in it? So do those sort of relationships make it more real than a long distance one? I would love it if people explained this to me what pertains to a real relationship – one that is more real than a long distance relationship.

Regardless, I find that after fourteen local and foreign women, my long distance romantic relationship with Amber is as real as it can get. The next logical step of our relationship is to be with her and find a way to integrate our daily lives into each other without the distance to divide us.

What I need to learn to do is:

1) calm my temper
2) learn to be more patient
3) see things LESS AND MORE objectively depending on the issue
4) become more gentler
5) be more caring expressively
6) be a bit more cheerful, especially when I know she’s going through a tough time
7) be more charming, like I used to be
8) continue to stay confident and creative

After fourteen intimate relationships, meeting Amber changed me slowly over the last fifteen months. I started to become more considerate of her feelings. I started to try to look at things from her perspective. I try to build my current lifestyle around a future with her. I started to look into things like Registered Education Savings Plans (RESP) thanks to Benny for that information. I started to save money. I spent less on silly things. My life no longer revolves solely around my friends and my parents. It includes having Amber in there.

My future is brighter because I suddenly have many more opportunities, like exploring the world together with her, exploring each other, introducing her to my friends, integrating our lives to each of us, learning and teaching each other and learning to resolve our differences and issues. One big thing Amber and I agree on is to constantly learn from our mistakes and change ourselves to become better examples for those who look to us. Of course, there will be times of laziness and there will be times of the mundane that may drive us to boredom and insanity, but only the dull-suited humans would allow such a life to push them into that sort of lifestyle. I am not that type of person and hopefully Amber wouldn’t yield to that either.

So regardless of my past rants about the relationship woes with Amber, I hope that my friends can one day meet her in an objective light and decide then how you can relate to her. It was my fault for exposing my side of the story in such a negative way. It was seriously time I learn to protect my loved ones and that means all of you too in one way or another.

This is my favorite scene in the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and every time I see this scene, I am reminded of a future with Amber. It also makes me think of Jonathan and Martine as well.

Madhu recently told me that each individual is responsible for their own outlook in life, aka their own happiness and I agree with this. However, she missed my point in the part about others cheering me up. The point was that others recognized my stress and irritations and they tried to cheer me up. My friends know I don’t volunteer my feelings unless they ask me and even then, it takes some prodding, normally in the form of a thumb up my ass or fart on my pillow. *sigh* This is their way of showing me love. 8|

Another thing is about comparing Amber’s experiences with mine and bringing up my past intimate partners as a point of reference. She basically pointed out that none of any of that matters if I unconditionally give my love to her. So in other words, blind love.

When I was still friends with Albert, the biggest thing I hated about him was how he assigned value to his intimate relationship with Jenny. He constantly brought up that Jenny should be more attentive to his needs, since he bought her so many gifts and spent so much time doing things for her. This has always been my pet peeve since as far back as I could remember. With this said, I am sure that Amber or anyone whom have read my previous entries coinciding Amber feels as though I am pulling an Albert. This is basically one of two things that is depressing me tonight.

In the gray area between not assigning value and assigning value, these feelings of discontinuity and inactivity on Amber’s part has gradually chipped away at our already frail connection. Let me tell you something: I never assigned value to what I have done for her. What happened was that for everything I have tried to do, I have constantly received no reaction from her. What does that tell you?

Let’s say Madhu emails me and I never respond or I respond with one word answers, what do you think will happen to our friendship? It will obviously falter. Let’s say Jason calls me once every couple of days just to get a hold of me to hang out and I never pick up or I pick up and rarely go out, do you think Jason will continue to call me in the future to hang out? Obviously, he will tire of the non-responsiveness and stop calling me. This is the same with intimacy. This is the number two biggest reason why intimate relationships fail.

The fact of the matter is that I have a broader range of intimate experiences, so I will obviously use them as a point of reference for my future intimate endeavors. That is how people learn what works and what doesn’t. If you are inexperienced in love and friendship, you will have a much higher chance of getting into relationships with incompatible people. If you have experience in love and friendship, you will have a much higher chance of connecting with the ideal type of people.

One thing Amber had told me was that she appreciated that I told her my feelings and point out when it seems like she is retracting herself. This way, she is able to try to mitigate it and do something about it. This is all fine and dandy, but the problem is that she will have an immediate period of positive change for a couple of weeks, then suddenly out of the blue, become distant and inactive for a month and more. Then in those months where she is inactive, I do my best to shed away my pride and yield to her issues. However, there is a limit to how much I can tolerate and my friends know that my tolerance is quite mind numbingly tolerant, even though I say it isn’t very tolerant.

What saddens me the most is when I think about all the grief I have put her through. I know I am a ‘difficult’ person, but I have a difficult and complicated life I have to tend to. I would like to have someone whom I can trust and adore to interactively share my thoughts and feelings with. My friends do their best when they can to help ‘cheer me up’ and/or to help ease my mind in their own ways and I thank them for that. I just wished Amber could do the same because my goal was to build a long life with her. Unfortunately, at this moment in time, no matter how ‘empty’ I feel right now, I also feel that our relationship has strained to the point where there is barely anything left. I am sure Amber’s words to me are sincere whenever she tells me she misses me and that she loves me, but I don’t feel words as much as I do actions. Anyone can say “I miss you” or “I love you”, but where are the actions to prove that those words are sincere words?

It should feel like I *need* her to be with me now and it did at one time in the past, but now, I don’t have that urge nor ‘calling’ and I really really really wish I still do. Furthermore, this is made more difficult with the fact that I am constantly tempted with other women whom have been randomly flirting with me or getting in touch with me to see if I’m available to hang out. Most of you may not realize this, but I’ve literally locked myself in this house for at least six days out of a week for the last few weeks, unless it was for a meeting with clients. Michelle may scold me and say: “GET OUT MORE LEE! THIS IS UNHEALTHY!” and I will nod and hand her a plastic duck, but I do this to keep me insanely sane. At the moment, I resemble this:

Not as nasty, but close enough.

Whenever I think naughty thoughts, I try to think about Amber and the thought of her ‘performing’ for me turns me on extensively. Wait, why did I mention this?

Anyway, I think I pretty much covered all, if not most of the things on my mind coinciding Amber and Madhu’s thoughts on this. All of this, exposing my rant previously and telling Amber to read my blog entry hasn’t made me feel any better and has in fact, made me feel worst. This is the same feeling I had when I broke up with Cindy all those years ago. It’s like a strange gloomy emptiness, as if my ‘routine’ is broken and/or that it feels like I no longer have something to look forward to or build towards to.

And on that bombshell, I need to eat something, then go to the bank and get money for my mom. Such is the life of Leeman.

Patrick often puts up motivational quotes on his Facebook. He also follows other photographers, models, designers and business-minded people on Twitter as a sort of self-help agency. I have never really tried his method, which a lot of people do resort to doing, but I have considered it. Alas, what puts me off is the idea that motivational quotes can only apply to me if I have not thought of it first. So far, the most powerful quotes originated from people long gone from our world. My mom has tried using motivational words with me and all I could do most of the time is just listen and nod, but they’re not things I align myself with. However, I am not a pessimist. If I have to assign myself labels, I am an expressively optimistic person who logically weigh out the realities of the issues.

At this moment in time, I find myself completely swallowed up in this issue I am facing. On one hand, I have a partner who constantly reminds me that he has the key to the clients and will pull out at any time if he feels there is no point to having our company. On the other hand, I have a partner who constantly cannot meet deadlines. I have been asking myself lately why it seems like every time i finally seem to be getting a break from the mundane and wretchedness of the world, that something like this happens? These aren’t obstacles that I can just work around with. These are the sort of obstacles that is completely out of my control.

About ten years ago, my mom was washing dishes in the kitchen and she said to me, “You walk such a hard path and as your mother, I am heavily pained to watch you go through all that you do.” I broke down at the dinner table.

I am both lucky and unlucky. I am lucky to have met people who have the skill and talent and under normal circumstances, work well together, but at the same time, problems associated to these people keep coming back to slap me in the face.

So how do I keep myself from breaking down? I will tell you it’s really tough because I often feel as though I am at the brink of shattering. I keep it together because I need to show my parents they need not worry about me. They do enough worrying. Plus, my mom and dad has gone through enough crap. I do not want to add that extra burden on them.

However, just because words can’t help me, music does. It will not help me with my issues, but it helps stop or slow down me from breaking down. I know it’s just a matter of time, but hopefully when I do, it’s away from everyone.