One of my favorite tunes. “Change” by Deftones.

I’m just very stressed right now, coinciding Amber. It’s compounded, but ultimately, has nothing to do with her. It’s all me. It’s all in my head. It’s hard dealing with it because I have no outlet.

Now, before Amber comments on this post, don’t. ^_^ This is a problem with myself. There is nothing anyone in the entire universe can say to make me feel otherwise. I’m a lonely old sod with a lot of ambition, but just no drive. It’s easy to get what I don’t care for, but difficult to get what I really want.

I need another drink, but the only alcohol in the house is my brother’s bottle of Corona in a special Mexico bottle, which I am not going to open… BUT… THERE IS a bottle of Johnny Walker Golden Label I got from a client eight years ago. I will never make another $100,000. That’s not going to happen. I’m opening it tonight to celebrate my stress at an all-time high. Cheers!

In the end, I suffer from the choices I make.

I used to think it takes a lot to continue ‘writing’ in my online diary, as the entries these last few months used to drain me dry every time I complete one. What I realized was that I still have some artistic ability in me to just enter a few lines of thoughts and that ‘should’ be enough.

Of course, I’m bullshitting myself for saying “it’s enough”.

Crabbie’s Ginger Ale Beer, courtesy of Jane. Thanks Jane.

The lyrics to this song goes like this:

You can travel the world
But you can’t run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you’re searching for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be

At my core, I am still the same person I’ve been all these decades. The only things that has changed is what I look like and the refinement of my character. I went from running away from my parents and all those that didn’t understand me, to standing my ground and understanding others. In turn, this refortified my beliefs, my principles and got rid of the unnecessary factors of pride. My parents support me, even though they will never truly understand me. I don’t need anyone to understand me. I just need to understand myself and those that are around me to accept me for who I am.

In another dream of the same morning, I was inside a large hotel or a cruise ship and I was walking in a long carpeted hallway towards one end with a huge crowd of people walking the same direction on the left side. Another huge crowd of people were walking towards us to the other end of the hallway that was behind us, on the right side. As I walked slowly pass the crowd on the right, I noticed Iris in that opposite crowd. As we were just about to pass each other, we looked at each other and I stopped very briefly, reached up to her face with my right hand, caressed her face with the back of my fingers gently as if I was appreciating her. In my dream, I felt her face on the back of my fingers. The touch was surreal and sensual and that sparked up a lot of subtle but deep emotion in me.

She smiled at me and said “thank you”, then we moved passed each other and that was that. I didn’t even look back. Later in that same dream segment, I would wander around that massive mall/hotel just checking the place out which I will explain in more detail after this and it was two fold for me. I was actively sight-seeing, but I was passively seeing if I would be able to bump into her again. I didn’t. Not even once. Secretly, I felt a little upset that I couldn’t see her again, but at the same time, I wasn’t really that much affected by that.

In my sight-seeing adventure, it was quite scary in some aspect, but very epic in some way. I noticed that outside the huge windows facing the ocean, was a massive storm. Apparently, Vancouver Island was no more and Richmond was right at the edge of the ocean. Richmond in the future looked very different, but safe and strong. I guess we have to be if we’re facing such storms on a constant basis.

In my dream, the city was so detailed. In fact, for a very brief moment in the dream I ‘woke up’ for a few seconds and even thought to myself as I looked into an alcove in the distance, “It’s incredible that my dreams have so much vivid detail.” Then I ‘fell back’ in that unconscious dreaming state unaware I was dreaming again.

In the third segment of my morning dreams, I was in a massive ship of sorts that I owned. It was either a large space ship or a large ocean-going vessel. There was a small crew on board and Patrick was there along with some other people, but they were usually not with me. Tom was there with some other people, including some girls I’ve never seen before. Throughout that dream, a couple of those girls and I would be flirting and talking innuendo like crazy, but nothing would ever really happen beyond that, though it was almost apparent that each of us had taken a liking to me and me towards them.

I woke up because my brother and Ryan texted me.

As some of you already know, there was a girl I had been corresponding with through Skype web cam and email. I ‘met’ her through a penpal site back in mid February where she reported another member for stealing her profile bio. I had to contact her personally to tell her the deal, as I was a moderator there. Right off the bat, we both found out some pretty huge coincidences about each other. For example:

1) We both live with our parents, working to help take care of them. She lives with her mom and I live with my mom and dad.

2) She lives about four houses down a lane in the exact same village in Hong Kong, as I do if I live in the village. The village is called Wong Nai Tau in Shatin. It’s my dad’s ancestral village where his entire family has lived in for the last 200 years. Iris’ mom rents a floor in that village. There are dozens upon dozens of villages in Hong Kong.

3) We both have a spiritual side. Hers came from a Catholic background turned agnostic. Mine came from a mixture of religions turned spiritual. We also feel strongly about how we want our intimate relationship to be. To fall in love that does NOT lead to marriage and having kids isn’t really something she wants at the moment.

The fact that I was one of four moderators who responded to her report, who normally don’t respond directly and it was someone who lives at my village with very similar lifestyles and emotional needs is pretty whacked. She’s intelligent, caring and generous and feminine for the most part. She’s sporty, has nice boobs and isn’t a prude. She has a nice voice, she’s not bad looking, she has nice hair. However, she isn’t very mentally and emotionally mature.

Now, I won’t reveal anything about her private life here obviously, but to say the least, it had been a heck of a time just trying to be patient with her. She likes to accuse me of being something I am not, then apologize for the accusation afterwards. This has happened three times already. The third was my last straw.

In the last one, she accused me of ‘attacking’ her and insulting her. This pissed me off because she ended that email, as she did before by saying she no longer wants to talk with me and she used the “it’s all in your mind” line that I said back in March after my cruise. She constantly uses that line out of context, as I have partially explained in my last two entries.

As most of you know, I am probably the most logical person or one of the most logical people you know. You also probably know that I think realistically. Obviously, when I am fantasizing about someone sexually, “it’s all in my mind”. She doesn’t need to remind me of that, but what really pissed me off was that she said she was disappointed that my conversation with her would eventually lead to purely sexual talk. She said once before, that she had tried corresponding with men but it always ended up being sexual. At the time, I thought that it’s odd it would end up like that, unless those men were looking for a quick sex fix to start. I didn’t think much about it, until now.

Iris and I share some pretty intimate fantasies through MSN and Skype web cam chat. She tells me all sorts of things which I obviously will not reveal here and in kind, I respond, as well as express my sexual desires for her. For example, I asked if she ever wears lipstick and she told me no. I asked her if she would wear lipstick if I asked her to because I would love to see her lipstick marks all over my woohoo and she said she would do it. Now, all this sexual conversation was mutual. She knew I take medication that constantly makes me horny. When we have conversations on MSN and Skype, it always eventually leads to sex. It almost always starts out with her saying, “I need you.” I try responding in a non-sexual way, but it turns me on know that she needs me – not purely in a sexual way, but emotional and emotionally, that is where my sexual desire flames up.

Now, for the person that I like that I am roughly casually working towards an intimate relationship with, my sexual focus would then be concentrated on the person of my adoration. I once had that adoration for Erica and from time to time, I think about her, but not as much as I started doing with Iris.

As you all know already, I AM a sexual person. This is clearly apparent in many of my past entries. I will react sexually if the other person is reciprocating. With Erica, it didn’t happen as much, though I did fantasize about her, because 90% of our conversations were about the mundane and GeoCaching, etc. With Iris, even if we start off talking about mundane things, it always ended up with sexual talk because it almost always starts off with “I need you” or something similar.

What Iris may not have realized and may never realized was that I was starting to break down my barriers because of her. The more vulnerability she expressed towards me, the more I wanted to reach out to her and a key element of me reaching out, was to express my sexual desire. What she simply and utterly will never realize is that in sex, as I’ve explained to her before, is a dance. I LOVE pleasuring and the reward of being pleasured is awesome, but it has to be mutual. I would never fuck a girl just to get off. That’s why the flings never worked out for me. I couldn’t just have sex to get off. The lack of emotional connection just made the entire sexual activity lame. With Iris, I wanted her. I fantasized about her and I told her, as she told me hers.

In three emails prior to my last one, I told her I hesitate in telling her about my sexual dreams, remembering she once mentioned that all the men she’s corresponded with eventually became purely sexual towards her. Indeed, I wanted to make love to her 24/7 and I even imagined putting Erica in there, something I normally don’t think about OR even another guy, but again, that’s MY WAY of communicating my emotional needs. The dance of sex, the dance of pleasure giving and receiving.

I wanted her, as I once wanted Erica, but with Erica, though our obstacles were massive, it felt so natural to just want Erica. With Iris, all those mental obstacles were just becoming so much effort. She accused me of insulting her, attacking her and accusing her. Yet, she did not once look back at her own actions towards me – the domino effect of how it came to be. I admit that sometimes, I have some communication long-windedness and/or issues with clarity, but I don’t go ahead and accuse people without due cause. Regardless, now I understand how those men she corresponded with in the past started talking purely about sex and how she was ‘turned off’ by that. I say, in hindsight, if I knew it was through her own instigation of expressing her need and sexual desire for those men that caused those men to completely be sexual with her, in which would turn her off, I would have stopped myself from telling her my medical needs. I would have kept my heavy desire for sex and pleasure giving to myself.

I truly believe that Iris should definitely NOT respond to men with words of “I need you” and express sexual desire, if she’s going to be “disappointed” that the intellectual conversation would shortly be replaced by sexual fantasy.

/sigh

I actually liked her and the funny thing is, as you all may find surprising, is that I actually thought that this would be my first potential ‘real’ relationship that didn’t start out as a fling. I may actually fall for someone because we were friends first – something I never considered in the past. June, Cindy, Sandra, Fiona and even Virginia, etc. They were all either a fling that turned into something else or right off the bat, we met and we worked our way not through friendship, but many delicious flirts and dates to become intimate partners. Though through Iris’ eyes, I was probably more to her than she was to me, ultimately, this was a different experience for me – something I was in many ways, looking forward to, especially when I was going to meet her in December this year.

After allowing myself a day to think and cool off, I don’t regret my harsh last email, but I kept saying to myself, “What a waste.” No, not a waste of experience. Actually, it’s a waste of a good coincidence.

I dreamed mainly about Erica and a little about Iris. Patrick was in there too, along with my mom, my dad, Brandon, my brother, my aunt and even Jason Ding and Jason Lau, but primarily it was about Erica. You see, Erica and I moderate a web site together and we have access to each other’s private messages between people. However, even though I have this power, I don’t easily check other people’s messages unless I really need to and this need is only induced by reports made by people.

In my dream, the distance caused by Erica fueled my mistrust of her and this in turn, caused me to check up her private messages. Mind you, this was in my dream. It didn’t happen in reality and it never will. In her messages, I found that other men were contacting her and this was no big deal normally, but I found the messages to be very similar to the ones I shared with her in the beginning of our ‘relationship’. A lot of innuendo, subtly sexual, almost intimate. The more I read into her messages by various people, the more I became tormented. The visuals surrounding my dream was that of me treading through fields of tall thick grass, in light fog, cloudy skies, old wooden fences, unmaintained bushes and trees, met with ditches and dirty creeks.

Somehow, continuing that dream, I was at a plaza where my friends and family were all going a fast food place to get ‘Slurp’ – buckets or big cups of it, with straws. Some of them would drink ‘Slurp’ or not, but they would all bring it outside to this other place, like a stable for pigs and horses and exchange ‘Slurp’ for tickets or animal feed. The only people not doing this was Patrick and I. We were on our mountain bikes and it was foggy all around the outside of the plaza. Pat stayed behind to watch them while I went out to the fog to explore.

Heading out to the parking lot, I noticed in the near distance something that looked like Mount Fuji. Except for some reason, it looked very scary, as if it was monstrous and ‘hovering’ over me. I rode closer to it and noticed huge yellow, green and brown fields all over its surface. Mount Fuji looked more vertical, like a tube with the bottom a bit wider than the top and it looked very surreal and that size, the fact that the size and how it was shaped really spooked me and I wanted to look away, but at the same time, I kept looking at it. I briefly looked back to where the plaza was and everyone was there, doing their weird things while Pat watched on. I was close-ish to them, but I felt very very very far from them at the same time and very very very close to Mount Fuji that is supposed to be very very far.

As I sat there on my bike, mesmerized and spooked, I also kept thinking about all those obstacles and distrust that resulted from those unnecessary obstacles Erica put between us and in my dream, I said one thing that I still remember to now – something nearly inaudible, but I ‘heard’ it as I woke up. I said, “I need to wake up”.

I think this was the only time ever, that I woke up when I was ‘supposed to’, right when the alarm went off.

How did Iris fit into any of this? Patrick and I started at a straw hut. We weren’t going to go riding, but Iris came out and encouraged me to go ride. I insisted we stayed there to keep her company, but she persisted and so we went. When we go to the fast food place, Iris called me and yelled at me for riding off. I ‘said’ something that ‘sounded’ like, “You told us to go ride and now you’re angry that we went for that ride?”

When I got out of bed and received her email, then read it, I sighed once again. Earlier, I had another blog entry I removed from the site after about two weeks. In that entry, I mentioned my irritation towards Iris that she seems to love ‘blaming’ me for things she initiates. In that earlier entry, she asked me in MSN whether I would be ‘like this’ every time we chatted. “This” being spewing out my thoughts and feelings. Now, we had talked a few times before, but that was the 2nd time I mentioned about my thoughts and feelings AND the ONLY reason I brought them up was because she asked a question that pertained to that. I wouldn’t have shared those thoughts and feelings with her, if she hadn’t asked.

Now, I got the email from her this morning about the sexual dreams I had of her and she told me that she was disappointed that it had come to my sexual fantasies about her, rather than more intellectual conversation. Previous to this email, I had told her I hesitate in telling her my sexual dreams, but I told her a little, just to satisfy her curiosity. Now, this is more complicated than it should be, but basically she feels I shouldn’t have to hold back in telling her things, but at the same time, being as ultra perceptive as I have almost always been, I calculated the ‘risk’ of getting an earful of further unwarranted accusations. I went against my own intuition and told her. She now feels that “it’s all in my head” – something I detest her saying, because she started saying this after the one time I mentioned this, BUT the biggest difference is that she continues to use it out of context as if I am a 5 year old child who has a very bad memory. Like I need to be reminded that “it’s all in my head”.

I am sick of this.

I wouldn’t be fantasizing about her sexually if she hadn’t told me what she wanted to do to me in chat. So as you can all see, I hesitated because again, she blamed me for things she initiates. No shit it’s “all in my head”, but don’t tell me you want to do sexual things to me and expect me to NOT think about it, then ask me at a later day why I hesitate in telling her about my dreams, when she comes back at me later on, being ‘disappointed’ and picking out that “it’s all in my head”. I didn’t think a fantasy was anything BUT a fantasy made up in someone’s mind. It’s like redundantly pointing out the obvious. Like picking up an orange and saying, “Dude, it’s a fruit!” Really? She was the one who told me what she would like to do to me in chat, in which I remembered and used to fuel my fantasy, which in turn, morphed into my dreams.

I had a MSN conversation with a friend just now. It ended negatively. In essence, she hung up on me. I sighed because she doesn’t realize my sudden dry humor. Which irritates me. I understand that can’t understand how I work and what my past is like. She could only piece things together with bits and pieces of what I tell her, glued together by her own thought processes and perception. I wanted to get mad at her, but in the end, I just sighed.

The friend I was in MSN with asked me if I would be ‘like this’ every time we talk. Looking back at my limited correspondence with her, we don’t talk about my thoughts every time. In fact, looking through my chat history with her, we’ve only talked about my thoughts twice. The first time was during my flu and tonight was the 2nd time. The reason why we talked about it tonight was because she asked me what I “woke up” from and I talked about solutions to problems and that lead to me saying that I know my problems, therefore, I know my solutions and she persisted in that it frustrated her that I don’t let anyone in, etc, etc. Yet, she asked me at the end if it was going to be like this every time we talk. I raised my eyebrow and thought, “We wouldn’t be talking about this if you hadn’t asked in the beginning.”

It’s irritating because she asked, I answered. That answer turned into a rant. She questions and criticizes that, then at the end, asked me if it would be like this every time? I wouldn’t be sharing my thoughts with her, about myself, if she did not ask.

One day, I hope America can come out of its 234 year old shell and embrace what is obvious. I also hope that people will eventually rise out of their cocoons and accept this fact, because as it stands, this simple and very basic right is still not recognized in many places around the world.