Tune: “Je Te Rends Ton Amour” by Mylene Farmer
Drink: Yellowtail Shiraz & Orange/Malibu mix
Yes, I am trying to induce it but I’m having rotten luck.
About an hour and a half ago, I messaged Jon on MSN and we talked about snow, Myrtle Beach, New York City, the Autoshow, some games, his new laptop, and his mom.
About 10 minutes, I put down my headphones and picked up my phone and was about to call Albert but decided against it. I wanted to ask him if he would listen to my story – my thoughts but I could not bring myself to do it.
Who was it? I think it was Amanda who told me that she would be there for me if I ever needed someone to talk to but I told her in these exact words:
Nothing that anyone else can help me with.
I find that even when a part of me wish to unveil some thoughts, even here or elsewhere, I have a very difficult time. I tend to withdraw.
You see, I do not have a definition of what friendship is and never have I really had a definition because it’s all feeling in here and no words can simply describe that feeling. I find myself spread out too thin and I need to stop now. I want my voice to be heard but at the same time, I don’t want my voice to be heard. The world isn’t ready for it. I am eons ahead of its time. Humanity cannot learn fast enough. By time the we spread ourselves throughout the far reaches of this galaxy and possibly beyond, I would have been long gone. Another God would replace me, I’m sure.
There is so much I want to say but I lack the conviction to initiate it. In my blogs, I hint at it but I know that the world is void of the desirable ears. The only person in the entire universe willing to listen is myself. Everyone else who says they are willing aren’t true to their own inner thoughts. I know this because I can feel it with my ultra massive super sensitivity. Sounds nerdy doesn’t it?
What do I truly want? Aside from the obvious, I truly want to feel what I once felt – that deep lusting sadness-induced passion where my songs and artwork came from. How gorgeous it was when I a massive wave of depression and sadness overwhelmed all of my senses and in those moments, I would sit in front of my computer and track tunes that reflected my mood and my thoughts. Where I would spend days, weeks, and months producing visions through the massive futuristic cityscapes that I created.
I utterly, absolutely, and completely miss those days. I miss the days where I would walk out during a thunderstorm wielding my wooden sword shaped like a wakazashi and I would recite poetry directly from the pits of my emotions. How absolutely beautiful those days and nights were. To be able to traverse around on foot, to experience those fresh raw series of emotions compounded.
Now that I am grown up, there is the responsibility to look after my parents. I wish sometimes, I can fulfill most of their wishes to put them at ease. I wish I can make a good living, provide for their early retirement, and meet someone nice and produce some grand kids for my parents to play with. I want to give them a sense of accomplishment that they have done their best to give me life and that our name and bloodline would live on. However, no matter what I may be able to achieve in the next few years, I feel like a rebel regardless of my feelings and my desires. I feel as if I seriously do not want to lose myself thus I give myself all these ‘missions’.
I had a conversation with Kristl a couple of weeks ago about stories that other people make up to fill in the voids of uncertainty – the what if’s and the unknowns pertaining to any given situation or situation leading up to any new possible situations. We’ve had this conversation before in another form and since those past times, I always remember this and I always apply to myself when I express myself to others, but I’ve realized is that the world is simply not ready to accept any genuinely self-expressive people. People who may use tact, but do not conform to the uncertainty of story making.
Tune: “Take Me Inside” by Afterlife
Ah, a song I haven’t heard for a long time. It’s very nice.
I wish I was I, but I separate myself from the other me’s to form a council of myself. If I can…
2006 was a great year. It was fun. I was just looking at some photos on my desk.
I’m done. There is nothing more I will reveal here.