[“Stronger” – Sugababes]
It’s time I go back to being myself after such a long a tedious journey. If you’re wondering, it’s not that I wasn’t myself, it’s just that I lost something along the way. It’s numbing to live like this. It was even more frustrating to be unable to find what I lost – not being able to accurately pinpoint the thing.
I need some milk. [comes back with milk] Mmm, nothing like milk… 8]
Imagine a spinning rubix cube, except that all the pieces aren’t together. They’re all spinning around and around, some faster than others, trying to come back together again. Then somewhere along the way, one of the pieces gets lost. In the moment where I was able to finally collect myself, I find that a piece of me had been lost. No, this didn’t have much to do with Cindy and our fucked up relationship. Actually, I lost this piece a couple of years before I met her.
Yes, I will continue to grow, refine my standards, define my stances, and reconfigure thought processes to try not to make the mistakes more than once or twice. I will continue to stay silly to those whom are silly… 8] …and naughty. 83
Just that… [ponders] I recently created a password protected entry. In there, I mentioned how I screwed up, whom I have hurt, how much I regret it, and how much I wanted to make things right – at the very least, confront those whom I have hurted and tell them everything.
However, as time goes on, people either try to forget their pasts or they try to forever avoid those whom have caused them some pain in their pasts. I’ll tell my readers however, that I should have known better. With humbleness aside, yes, I know I can be a very romantic person, a very considerate person, a very caring, loving, sentimental, emotional, passionate, assertive and in some ways, aggressive person as well. However, I am also prone to taking my emotions/feelings and stepping on them. I try to justify my negativity by ridiculing my positive feelings.
You have no idea how much I wanted to take her, hold her, kiss her, and dance with her when she sang to me in front of that small crowd at Fairbee in early 2000. I really pushed her away because I’ll confess it right now… Because I was afraid of many things.
You see, though I was still ‘young’ back then, I never relied on anyone to help build myself per se. I saw Virginia as a perfect companion for me. I wanted her so badly. I wanted all of her, but I couldn’t allow myself to have her. I hurt her by doing and saying stupid things, and she gave up on me. It has been a little more than 6 years. I have her phone number, and know where she lives, but from the sounds of it, I can’t even try to be friends with her.
That was the thing I asked Albert about – if things look extremely vague for a resulting future, should I even try to go for it?
[chuckles] I can already estimate that Laura or Patrick, maybe even Marlon would say, “Damn it Li! CALL HER RIGHT NOW!”
Nah, it’s been a long time. She’s grown up. Has her own life, career, own future. Even when I was fooling around at the end of 2000, when I was with June, then blah and with Cindy, I thought about Virginia from time to time. This is regret talking here of course.
I think I know what Heaven has reserved for me. When I look at both of my hands, I feel that I know what I need to do. Must be karma for me to meet Cindy, and then go through fucking hell with her and her ‘friends’, but did I really deserve all that shit and misunderstanding? Did I really have to date a demon?
I’ll make it through the rainy days
I’ll be the one who stands here longer than the rest
When my landscape changes, rearranges
I’ll be stronger than i’ve ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything’s gonna be alright
I know that there’s gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that’s the way it’s gotta be
I’m all alone and finally
I’m getting stronger
You’ll come to see
Just what I can be
I’m getting stronger
Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that’s been captured in a maze
I had my ups and downs
Trials and tribulations,
I overcome it day by day,
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that’s what i’m looking for
I didn’t know what I had to do
I just knew I was alone
People around me
But they didn’t care
So I searched into my soul
I’m not the type of girl that will let them see her cry
It’s not my style
I get by
See i’m gonna do this for me
[laughs] Think unisex! THINK UNISEX! Haha! 8P
Guys usually sing about sex, politics, and murder. Women usually sing about love and sex. Sex can be good.
Did you know I wasn’t going to enter this stuff here? This entry was supposed to promote Patrick’s Mini-Cycling Tour for June 10th, 2006. Click on the “Adventures” link at the top menu for more details. [sigh]
THINK UNISEX! 8P