The Desire To Leave This Home

4:47am

“We Were Soldiers” is a very good movie. I give it a 10/10 for everything. It didn’t make me cry, but it did make me get watery eyes. I totally recommend it. 8]

Now the more sentimental part of this entry.

I have to find a way to move out of here. Home cooked meals, laundry done by my mom, and the limited freedom I have are nice, but I have to get out of this shell.

When I was a teen, I was rebellious and hot tempered and got into fights with my mom every day. Nowadays, I try not to get into fights and hold back a majority of my negative emotions towards them. However, there are times that illogic and unreason just gets to me and I blow up one massive bomb. ‘Fortunately’, that explosion is so well concentrated that it only mostly affects me.

My parents always say that I can say all I want on how I would raise my children now, but it’s completely different when it comes to actually raising them. That may true, but one thing is for sure – I have my personality to attribute any future actions I may dish out.

First and foremost, although my dad can be highly logical in his analyst of world politics and economics, oddly, he can be very illogical in human interactions and considerations. My mom is an even better example of this logic/illogic. She is considerate of freedom, but she is very inconsiderate of history. For both of them, rather than follow through with the philosophy of guidance and the concept of freedom for me, my dad always threatens to kick me out of the house, or make a point that I can just leave home if I am so ‘righteous’, and that my mom always try to pick fights with me, not know that she was/is picking fights with me.

With my friends and my brother, I never try to pick fights with anyone, nor do I try to threaten and impose a sense of self-worth onto others. If an argument arises between friends and family, I try to look at it from an objective point of view and argue it like that. If the argument gets out of hand, I take a step into their perspective and draw out conclusions and summaries for both sides, then call it even, and withdraw. Further, there is no reason for me to threaten anyone, unless they threaten me or the welfare of those I care about.

With that said, it may be true that what I say now about how I would raise my children may differ when the time comes in which I will have to raise my children, but like I said, my core personality won’t change so drastically. I have developed my own moral code, principle standards, and philosophical ethics. Like my parents, I can both have a super bad explosive temper and a cause for compassion for others. Unlike my parents, where I had really bad temper when I was younger, my temper today has died down quite a lot of levels. Also, unlike my parents, my compassion for others is now two fold – I understand that most people on our planet deserve compassion one way or another, but I also choose not to dish out compassion if their reasons for needing/wanting it underweigh their situations, no matter how dire they may initially look and feel.

After I watched “We Were Soldiers”, I went downstairs to greet my mom as usual. I put down my bowl and she gave me this disapproving look. I automatically thought, “Shit, now what did I do?” A few moments after I explained that the vermicelli tasted mediocre, she asked me when I am going to see the dentist next, so I told her it will be on the 14th. Then as I was going back up here, I told her that I might do one of my cavities first and then do the second a few weeks later. Then this is what happened and I don’t know why. She scolded me that I should even bother filling my cavities, and just let all my teeth go bad. I stopped half way up the stairs and in one massive roaring voice, I asked in Cantonese, “Why are you scolding me?!” She yelled back in a condescending manner that she wasn’t scolding me, but scolding my teeth, and as I disappeared into my room, she made another comment about brushing or something. I didn’t hear clearly as I didn’t want to listen to another word of her bullshit.

Can anyone see the illogic and unreasoning here besides me? First of all, my teeth, my time, my pains, my cavities have nothing to do with them. Second, filling my cavities at two different times does not affect them in any way possible. I HIGHLY doubt that for me to choose two different dates to do them will affect the karmatic feng shui around the house! HOLY SHIT!

What makes things possibly worst is that the reason why I don’t further my argument any more, is that if I raise my voice for a few more sentences, my dad will tell me to shut up, then proceed to threaten me that if I was so “boon si” (so independent and strong), I could move out.

Every time he makes that threat, it adds another notch to my massive rope of notches inside my heart/mind. Unlike many types of other people, I still hold major grudges. Eg: in my conversation with Laura last night, I made a partial joke about Roger regretting his past decisions on me. Partial joke because though I meant what I said, I didn’t have the reason to do anything to him in the future, unless of course, he harms one of us.

I hate cheap tactics that induces hate and stress amongst allies. If every other individual out there, family and friends can be my ally, then my parents as individuals are no exception. However, for as long as I have gotten into arguments with them, for every word they said directed at my inability to move out and make fucking six figures, take care of my welfare, and such, I hold a grudge that I can let go by the next day, BUT the thing is, that creates that notch. So next time they make another threat, the next notch becomes a bit harder to swallow, as there will be so much more previous notches to swallow too.

If it was me and my son, I wouldn’t threaten him unless he ‘asks’ for it. An example would be if he attacks and belittles his mother’s job and/or complains about how small our home is, and/or if he complains about the low-class food we eat and stuff of that nature, I might then in a semi-calm voice tell him that if he doesn’t like it, then he should go out and make that happen. Of course, this is age dependent too – I’m not going to say that to him if he is 9 years old… [sigh]

If it was me and my son, instead of threatening him every time we got into an argument of sorts, I would definitely try to objectively look at his point of view as well as mine, and draw his ideas as close to the middle as possible. I would show him why I think the way I do, and I would tell him why I think he thinks the way he does, then talk it out as calm as possible, and compromise.

My dad was always his way or no way. He had always been impatient. Like my brother’s bday dinner last week, I thought I heard my mom said be there by 7pm, but they wanted to be there by 6:45pm instead. I got up around 6:10pm, was going to shower, but changed instead and started doing my hair. I thought I only needed 5 minutes. At the 4 minute mark, just as I needed another minute or two, my dad yelled up at me. I wanted to say, “It’s 6:28pm. It takes about 15 minutes to drive there. I am sure if we’re late one or two minutes, it won’t be the end of the evening.” Of course, that will make my dad yell at me then proceed to threaten me again, possibly even add a few lines in there coinciding how unsuccessful my life has been, and that I don’t work hard enough, and that nothing good ever comes out of everything I do. So instead, I just said, “You can’t wait 2 minutes for me?!”

One major difference between my dad and I is our logic processes. I don’t need to raise my voice to get my points across. It’s only when they attack me that I raise my voice. Like my brother, if he makes a lot of noise in his room late at night, my dad would go in there and yell at him, waking my mom up in the process. If it was me, I would go into his room, close the door behind me and tell him quietly, “Turn down the music! Mom and dad is sleeping!” Then leave quietly, closing the door gently.

My dad has always felt that if I don’t make money, then I am a failure. He has also always felt that because I don’t make as much money as he thinks I should, that everything I have ever started to do has ended up in failure, and that I never finish anything I started. I bluntly said this to my mom the other day, and she reacted in a semi-surprising way. I told her that it’s no great mystery that is how he thinks, but he has absolutely nothing to base any of his words on, and further that, I may have failed high school, and I may have failed my first company, but in no way have I failed anything except my intimate relationships since then. I have finished and will be finishing up everything I have ever started. I don’t make as much money today is because he encourages me to stay with Razor Technology, thus making him a hypocrite. The fact that I am not making as money as I should be is not because I have not finished anything on my part, but because it takes more than just one person to complete an entire ongoing project. ON TOP OF THAT, it takes the willingness and acceptance of our potential investors to approve of our projects and take them to the next level.

I shook my head and smirked and couldn’t help add that for the two major failures in my life thus far, at the very least, for the things I have been doing for the last three years, and all the things I have finished since my company days, there are good results today and possibly tomorrow. What has dad successfully completed? Nothing. He didn’t get into college, he started his seafood store and failed even worst than I did, he tried selling vitamins, water filters, jade, and art frames and you know what mom? He failed in everything he has ever done. The only thing he was successful in was he got a job at some shit job, married you, had me and bro, and tried to provide for us, which he indeed had done a great job of, and taught me and my bro to not hate people because of their colour, faith, and culture. Other than that, I have created a career in which I am proud to continue doing until Razor Technology either fails trying or successfully acquire investors to help us on our way.

Either or, in the end, I finished everything. Everything.

One day I will have money. One day I will defend my point. One day, he will threaten me again, and I will pick up my bags, my computer, and my biking gear and move away. I won’t move too far away, cuz I would still care about them. I just simply cannot live in the same house as they live in. I can’t live in the same house as they live in now. It’s bareable, but not healthy for me as a person.

In their world, my logic and perception is twisted. I cannot stand people who think that starting fights with their own children is a good way to teach them how to be better people. I cannot stand people who use cheap hurtful tactics to cause strife in their children as a way to strengthen their will power to do more. Starting fights and using cheap tactics may be something you do to your enemies – maybe, but am I their enemy? Even if I was, being petty and cheap simply refocusses my personal resolve to be better than them, and amongst other things, this isn’t something to be proud of. It’s a double edged sword where swinging it is harder than it looks, and sometimes, over swinging it can cause it to come back right at you.

It’s not something I like, not something I want to do, but it something that makes me strive to want to not be here. They are good enough parents, just not great parents. Am I a good son? I think I am because I am highly logical and perceptive, and can see myself in that light for all the things I have done and felt, but am I a good son in their eyes – sometimes. Just simply sometimes.

Heated arguments can cause spontaneous hurtful words, but in all the arguments I have ever had with anyone, I might have said something hurtful to anyone once or twice throughout my entire life. I get to the point and attack the point, or defend mine. It is meaningless to bring other unrelated issues into the argument. It is entirely meaningless.

5:45pm