Half Satisfied, Or Lonely Forever (revised)

1:24am

To celebrate Michelle’s new entry, titled “Unconditional Love“, and also after I read my own entry and felt that it wasn’t really saying what I wanted to say. At least, the entry was all over the place and not quite to the point.

Over the last year and a bit, I’ve had the chance to meet new people – boys and girls between 21 and 42, 90% of them female. I went out with them, some became friends, others just faded with disinterest and other circumstances. I had the opportunity to turn a few of those connections into something more – either a fling or take it further and into a deeper more ‘meaningful’ relationship. However, as much as my libido wanted it and/or my emotional core desired it, I couldn’t bring myself to do much in both fields at times. It wasn’t like years ago where I met someone under a ‘strange’ circumstance and hooked up. Since last year, I wasn’t exactly sure what it was that held me back. Some suggested it was insecurity because of my last relationship that went quite badly. Others suggested I ‘grew up’ and changed accordingly. My mom felt that I simply became sick of those type of girls and that reached out to every other type of girl in general.

[shrugs]

Over the last two years, I also had the chance to observe my friends and their relationships, and of course, before I ‘retired’ from DearCupid, I had the chance to talk with quite a few people to do with their problems and such and that opened up a lot of perspectives. What I realized over time was that I was simply not satisfied at all with anyone who I had the opportunity to meet, and even with people that I already knew and were interested in pursuing something deeper or casually.

So what was it that made me realized that? Well aside from all the direct and indirect experiences in the last decade and so, I just felt that what I truly want isn’t available. After having a bunch of girlfriends, flings, and other intimate-sort of ‘relationships’, I just came to my own summary of concepts and concluded that type of partner I desire.

I looked at my friends and their relationships and they are satisfied enough, but they aren’t satisfied completely. I guess that is a given for most relationships on this planet, but I see two issues here that are ongoing: 1) losing yourself to emotional obligation and 2) little positive emotional growth and connection between two people.

For example, the biggest reason I stayed with Cindy after our first fall-out was due to fucking great sex (yeah, can’t go wrong there) and emotional obligation to her because I wasn’t there for her when her mom received a botch surgery. Was I really in love with her? I might have felt that I was in love with the idea of loving her, coupled with the issue of ‘fucking great sex’. All in all, looking back on that screwed up relationship with her, I can tell you that I was really simply just not satisfied with her.

Throughout DearCupid.org, there are posts and comments with this phrase: “Being in love with someone and loving someone.”

You have no idea how sick of this phrase or similar phrases I am with that! Bluntly put, “being in love” with someone is simply and utterly just you being consistently attracted to your partner. If you weren’t attracted to your partner coupled with emotional obligation, you simply and utterly not be in love. When they say they are “loving someone”, that just simply and utterly means they care about that person and has either fallen out of love and attraction for that person, and/or they found someone who bring their emotional and physical libido higher than their current partner.

Anyway, Albert asked me a few years ago, why I did not try to make June stay here in Canada with me. At the time, I felt I didn’t deserve it amongst other things only Albert will know about. However, I’ll make a more accurate guess that it was because the circumstance of her departure was perfect – maybe because I could feel that I didn’t want someone who was nearly three years older than me when I was twenty two. At her best, she was quite pretty. She was feminine. She was quiet and always by my side when we’re out with friends. She was considerate, mature and intelligent. She was adaptable. She was spiritual enough and not religious. She had very nice, silky long black hair with brown streaks. She was playful and silly and when she laughed, I couldn’t help but smile. She had the silkiest skin I have ever touched – so damn milky smooth… [elated smile]

The ‘problems’ were not equally as plentiful in terms of neutral and positive traits, but still enough to make me think twice about keeping her for the long run. For one, she was absolutely not sexual, and when she tried to be, she was well, yeah… She was also older than me and at times, a bit condescending because of my age.

You know, come to think of it, June was actually a pretty good match for me. Albert, you were right. Alas, her non-sexualness was a really big no no., and no, she wouldn’t have been able to ‘learn’ to be more sexual. Unlike Jenny, where she went from conservative religious freak (no offense [wink]) to this sexually liberated queen of all sexual women, June would have simply ‘learned’ to do it in a ‘different’ position… [sighs]

Enough about that.

That’s why it was ‘difficult’ to let Cindy go, even when I brought up breaking up with her so damn many times. In my heart and mentality, I knew she was bad news, but sex was so damn good and others minuscule factors. I wasn’t satisfied enough. If we were in our own world, sure, it would have worked, but because we weren’t, it would have been worst over time anyway.

So back on the core topic; observing the relationships between my friends and their partners have attributed to my own feelings in this question: “Half satisfied, or lonely forever?”

For the things I used to do for my partners, I can’t bring myself to do them any more unless I feel completely satisfied or in other words, unless I am in love with them, erm, I mean her – the hypothetical ‘her’. It’s not that some of the females I know now aren’t attractive or not good potential lovers, but I simply and utterly want the complete package.

Thinking back on the corn cob story I read off of Spongey’s Xanga site sometime last year, I don’t quite follow it. I am not a perfectionist – far from, but I am all about comfort.

If you don’t mind too much, I’ll take Albert and Jenny for example. They fight a lot. Not physically per se. Albert will never hit Jenny. In fact, I’ve seen Jenny punch, tickle, poke, and pinch and very often. He is a pokable boy. He is. I’d poke him if I can get close enough…

[ahem]

Nothing a few beers can’t do…

[laughs]

Right, so they fight a lot. Can this translate to the relationship being a passionate one? No. Not quite. Actually, not at all. They are the only people that I know on the face of this planet who can stand each other’s tempers and nuisances. It drives me crazy (Batman’s Gotham City Asylum crazy) just being in their presence, and I’m not even talking about them fighting. In my perspective, they are made for each other. Regardless of their constant fighting and issues, I feel that only Jenny can take Albert’s unfair temper and other things, and only Albert can take Jenny’s womanly frustrations and stuffs. My gosh, just thinking about them is making me consider living life at a monastery full of buck naked 17 to 19 year old girls in private school uniform…

No wait, wrong entry.

So I see that they are made for each other in that strange and twisted way. In their worst, they are fucked up, but at their best, they are awesome.

However, if I was in Albert’s shoes with my personality and core characteristics intact, I would have left that relationship a long time ago, unless of course the sex is fucking excellent. Then again, there is so much I can tolerate before I crack. Seriously though, I wouldn’t be satisfied enough. Firstly, Jenny is not my type obviously, and second…. No, that’s pretty much it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that if there are so many problems that lead to so much tension and discomfort in a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it over the long run. So I applaud Jenny and Albert for staying together for so damn long for whatever reason. However, to put others into perspective, say Ed and his girlfriend, Spongey and her love ‘current’ interest, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I can’t see myself in their shoes. Just because a girl is caring and considerate, it doesn’t translate to much in the whole picture. Just because a girl is hot, it doesn’t make me want her more. Just because a girl is sweet and silly, it doesn’t make me think about her that way. Just because she is motherly material, it doesn’t say much in terms of wanting her to be mine. Individual factors don’t hold me to the thought and feeling of wanting someone that way. It just doesn’t work for me.

So as the title reads, “Half satisfied, or lonely forever?” I’ve been half satisfied before, or satisfied ‘enough’, and I have also had the opportunity to meet and shortly be together with someone who fit the satisfaction point at a level where I did fall in love with her, but for the me of today, I haven’t met anyone like that. I’ve been alone before, and I am alone now. I do feel lonely at times, mildly, but unlike most of my friends, I have to say, I have a very definitive individuality. My biggest influence is myself, and being constantly aware of my surroundings and those in my local vicinity, I have to say that I rather be lonely forever, than half satisfied.

I can’t live an illusion, and I can’t live feeling obligated to love someone just because I want to be a ‘better’ person. I don’t believe in that bullshit, but if you do, congratulations. Why did I congratulate you? If you don’t believe what I just said just now, then that means you either A) have found someone that you truly believe, meet 70% to 80% of your needs and wants – yes in that numeric range (irony here?), B) believe that being in love with someone means you love him or her based on the complete package, yet you cannot even comprehend the odd dissatisfaction for that person in the first place and ‘mistake’ that as simply ‘just another normal ‘problem’ that all couples have’, and/or C) think that I am delusional because there is no such thing as ‘the perfect’ companion.

If you are C, ‘the perfect’ companion retain human error regardless. “Perfection” and “imperfection” is actually a paradox when it comes to relationships. They exist together and never apart.

Vivian Mallot once said on her Facebook description: “Loving, carefree, flawed, beautiful.”

That pretty much sums up what I ‘seek’ in terms of an intimate companion. Of course, you may digress and say that everyone can be like that. No, through words coupled with my thoughts and what my heart feels, those words are an infinite more poetic than your possible face-value sort of mentality.

I imagine someone I cannot get if I tried. Gorgeous, isn’t it? [grins]

2:37am