This is directed to Patrick – you once commented on one of my entries titled “Full of Uncertainty“, dated September 13th, 2007. You said:
Ah… I remember the time when we ran into all those dead-ends, wrong turns, and difficult terrains but you know what? I kinda hoped that would happen because where’s the fun without any obstacles and challenges eh? My friend Adam said this to me before he left to join the Army, “The most interesting people are those who take the longest to figure out what they want to do in their lives†=)
“There are many paths in life, all leading every which way. At times it may be too dark to see the paths, or we may choose a path that says no entry. However the paths we choose make for the people that we are. Without these walks in life we get bored, tired and stagnant. We lose that spark that every human being has, that light, that life. Be who you want to be, walk where you want to walk, love who you want to love, and make life what you want to make it.†– Samantha L.
So what the hell happened between then and now?
I think the difference was I was a bit younger, I had a lot less pressure living without my parents, and I was working full-time in a job that was easy & repetitive. I was always full of uncertainty and fear inside but I never showed it because I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it and when I succeed it just feels sooooo good. Remember how I told you that I’m like a roller coaster and the last time I had a huge blow-up was in Japan? Well, I guess I had my blow-up a couple months ago and my mom was the catalyst. But instead of anger, it was depression. I hate saying that I’m old but deep down inside I think I’m a little worried because of my age. I feel all these problems revolve around “career”. I guess I’m placing so much emphasis on finding the right career that I’m just lost now.
Wow, I don’t even remember I wrote that. That Patrick back then was definitely a little more confident I guess. I feel there’s a spark inside of me waiting to ignite but the logs are damp. Maybe going somewhere sunny will help? That was supposed to be a joke but not “ha-ha” funny, more like, “hmpf”.
P.S. I had fun re-arranging the icons to vertical in the anti-spam test. It was really fun for those few seconds.
Well first of all Pat, I hope you know if sometimes my words come across as ‘blunt’ and ‘harsh’, it’s not meant to hurt you. It is meant for me to share my feelings with you.
Second, like Jason Ding, I want to understand you. That’s why I ask you questions, even ones you get mad about. Growing up, I learned to communicate my thoughts and feelings. You told me reading my blogs, it feels as though I have a lot on my mind and I say a crap load. It comes with practice.
Third, I know you worry about your age and your ‘progress’. Heck, I worry all the time about mine, but the BEST thing to do is do what needs to be done, instead of wallowing in my own misery.
Remember, way way back, before you blew up on your mom, you said to me that I should do what I like and go for the things I want to do. Now, everyone is saying the same to you, but of course, within consideration for those that care and love you.
We’ll have a good vacation in two and a half weeks. You can clear your mind and resettle some things. I just hope you know that no one is really looking down on you. Right now, everyone is reaching their hands out to you. Grab onto any of ours, we’ll pull you up.