Tune: “Water Shows A Hidden Heart by Enya
Drink: Benromach single malt whiskey
Mood: A little sad
Over the years, I’ve told Jon that I do not regret anything, then later on, I told him the opposite and I remembered that he asked at that time, “I thought you did not regret anything?” I felt that he had a slight of disappointment in his question. Ever since, I’ve remembered his words. I would like to say that I don’t know what it was that made me remember it so clearly and why I think of it so often, but obviously, I do know why.
Sometimes, though Jon’s experiences are not nearly what I’ve experienced, his inner calm feels infinitely more ‘wise’ than my own intuitions and that’s what made me realize how terrible I feel since my cruise at the Caribbean as his best man. He will never admit it nor even think of it that way, but I feel as though I’ve let him down as a friend and as brother.
In front of me is a Buddhist folk charm – a jade trinket that was buried with my grandfather on my dad’s side for about ten years, then taken out and given out to his family. I received three trinkets: this jade trinket that I wear around my neck every time I make an outdoor venture with my friends and a couple of old Chinese ‘coins’, one of which I gave to my mentor, Graeme Swan. The remaining coin is around the doorknob to my bedroom.
The idea is that the living essence of my grandfather resides with these trinkets and with these blessed trinkets, they are meant as a ‘first wall of defense’ against misfortune. If you ask me do I believe that these trinkets really ward off evil and misfortune, I will say, “Not really”. A tad uncertain there eh? No, not at all. I do not believe in ghosts, nor gods, nor magic, but I do believe that the power of our minds and emotions often create a collective greater than ourselves, which easily translates to a common good. I believe what my emotions tell me, therefore, ghosts, gods and magic ‘DO’ exist in here (points to my heart). These things yield a power greater than logic and reasoning, but it will always only be in here, as my grandfather is, my grandmother and in the future, my mom and dad and all those who pass before me. It is all inevitable.
When I was hurting, the majority of my senses was hurting, but at the same time, my logic kept calculating all my feelings and thoughts. I always thought: “I must not burden others”, yet, I seem to do so at the expense of others.
I am glad that my fights with my mom these days are far and few and that we usually become ‘normal’ again after a night. There is no reason to hold onto grudges with loved ones. Our life is short and we must take our life times seriously enough to appreciate those close to us and the things dear to us. Regret is inevitable, but to hold onto those regrets only drains our lives away. Today, this evening, I learned this.
I guess when it comes down to it, I will only feel regret when I am faced with a situation where it mimics a similar experience I’ve had in the past, reliving that experience from my past in another form, but when I step back and replay the entire scenario again, I have this very tired smile, a nearly unnoticeable smile on my face. What is more important: to live miserably in the past, trying to fortify your future with hate and torment or to live calmly in the present, trying to build a road towards the future with love and friendship in mind?
It’s not easy, I know, but I just have to remind myself that it was people like my grandparents who had to struggle through a lot, so I can be here today.
From the City of Constellations
to the wanderer
and a Place of Rains
he journeys on…
…the City of hesitation and doubt
the Island of the house the colour of the sea
the Plain of Mementoes
he journeys on to find his love…
…the Valley of lost time
the City of End and Endlessness
the Isle of Revenents
he journeys on…
…the City of Solitudes
the City of the distance from you
the City of Words of blue
and yellow and red and green
he journeys on to find his love……where the road takes him throuh
the City of Sleep
the thinking that does not end is within him
Then he dreams
the road takes him
this man who is searching
it brings him
in silence through the nightwhere the Cities that do not Exist, exist
it brings him
in silence through the night
close to the City of Realisations;
it is here one finds the way…
…Mount Orison
the City of Days
the Tree of the lost
he journeys on…
…north of his love
a road through a valley of darkness
the islands that are not of this world
he journeys on to find his love…It is a long way through darkness
to the way of the eremite
the eremite sings of the world and of
the journey of love, which is not lost in eternity
…the Valley where the moon is caught in the trees
water shows the hidden heart
endlong into midnight
he journeys on…
…the parable of day
the Room of Books
where the winds come to him and say…