My dreams are growing old

Erica was worried and had emailed me a few weeks ago asking where my blog went and what happened to me. I gave her a vague answer and restored my blog yesterday. I get into bouts of uncertainty and wish to ‘end it all’ from time to time. Fortunately, I am not as impulsive as I once was, but I am still impulsive at times.

Tune: “The Truth” by Headstrong feat. Tiff Lacey (Reuben Halsey Chillout Remix)
Mood: Tired
Drink: Catnip tea with some honey

[audio:TheTruth.mp3]

The lyrics to this song goes like this:

If the truth be told
I miss you and if I’d known
I would never have let you go
Now my dreams are growing old
Just as I supposed
If the truth be told

All our yesterday’s have flown
Like birds from winter shores
All the memories we’ve known
Are fragments and nothing more
Our Summer years have passed us by
Floating on an endless stream
Made from the tears we could not cry
Wrapped close in our inner dreams

Chorus: If the truth be told

All our vanities have gone
Wasted so much time with them
Pride the victor all along
Building walls between two friends
It was too high to pull it down
It was too high to climb so far
Now we laugh just like the clown
Who reminds us what a fool we are

Chorus: If the truth be told

I would never have let you down
If the truth be told…

In the entry that no longer exists, I said that I am going through a rough patch in my life right now. I would take any job that is available, but within the personality of my being. I cannot do sales or marketing, but I can do customer service and even general labor. So I’ve been looking through job listings that fit within my personality. As you can guess, my software development company isn’t doing too well, not because we can’t find clients or that we aren’t capable, but it’s because we can’t deliver on time. I would not want to place blame on one of my partners, but if he hadn’t been late for months in our first project and constantly late for our current project, we would be making some good money right now.

My salary is at the mercy of his ability to deliver. We need a programmer who understands database building and web services. Otherwise, we’re set. We could have easily be earning $1000 to $2000 per person per month, but because of his lateness, we’re earning shit.

He’s a good friend, but bad business partner. When you say you can deliver, you deliver on that day, not a fucking week or a month later. So someone help me, help us. We need a programmer to pick up his slack.

Jason, Pink J known to Amber came over from Calgary over the weekend for a semi-surprise visit. It was fun. We drove around Stanley Park, UBC and Richmond on Saturday. He’s too soft hearted, but I appreciate the needed generosity he gave me. It was also the first time I saw Patrick since before my trip to Germany. These days, I see his dad more than I see him.

Ryan and Doctor Ding has been bugging us to hang out. I have lost that motivation since last year. Doctor Ding is a good guy and Ryan is fun and I honestly miss those days we hung out every weekend for sports and just a BBQ. It was very fun. I was active. I was healthy. These days, I just don’t feel like it. I feel as though I have drained all of my energy reserves for the years and years I have gathered friends and strangers together, took the time to meet new people, organize events, gathered people, planned it all… Some large part inside of me gave up not too long ago. It’s as though that spark went out inside.

So I’ve been struggling mentally and emotionally and of course, financially.

For years, there has been a small but potent part of me that just want to give up. What keeps me going is obvious, but to be honest, I do think about it from time to time. Sometimes, I think if my parents weren’t around, I would just disappear and either sleep under a bridge or backpack across the country doing odd jobs.

Some of my friends don’t know this, but I am engaged to Amber. However, the engagement itself was a mixed emotion. I gave her a spark of happiness, just to take it all away from her the same night. That shameful night will always haunt me. What makes it worst is that our relationship has only marginally improved over the last two months. She still has to put up with my precise logic and analysis. I do not apologize for things I did no wrong in. However, just because I am not wrong, it doesn’t mean I have to express them, but to me, I need a strong lover – at the very least, a communicative one.

My problem with Amber has always been about communication. Like today, we had a big fight after not talking for about three days. She will disagree with me, as she always does, but as you all know, I AM a prolific English writer. I may get a few things wrong here and there, but normally, I do not make lame mistakes in literature. On the other hand, Amber has told me repeatedly that I did not truly listen to her words and that she did not mean what she said. I know I am vague here, but our fight was long and tediously fucked.

I hate people that accuse me for things I did not do. I cannot stand it and WILL NEVER stand for it as I received enough of that bullshit when I was a young boy growing up, standing up for myself against bullies and those in power. I am a grown person now and for the last 13 years, I refuse to let people step all over me and fuck me over. Amber is no different. She may disagree that she never accused me of ‘interrupting her’ and ‘ruining her mood’ to tell me how she really felt, but that is exactly what I read. Someone tell me that my English is fucking crap. Maybe then I will yield and stop being so angry and maybe even apologize to her that she was correct and I was incorrect.

Alas, none of my friends will ever truly take sides. Unlike me, I ACTUALLY almost always take sides. To me, I don’t care what the other person thinks. What is more important is what my friend/lover feels. Alas, it has always seem as though my friends are too afraid to take sides. Sometimes, they take sides, but damn it, too few. I rarely actually feel appreciated. It is no wonder why my spark went out.

I do not enjoy hiding in my room 70% of my day to day, night to night time. I have stuff to do, even outside of this house. Yet I don’t feel like it.

What am I working for? My mom and my dad, yet I have near-zero motivation even for them. So what makes my friends think I have energy for them?

My words are harsh sounding and blunt. I just think that I am so sick and tired of myself and this place I am at. It’s like I work for ten fucking years straight just to have someone impede my progression. I ask the ether around me, the space of the universe above me: I deserve nothing more than burden? I deserve nothing more than setback? CONSTANT FUCKING SETBACK?

I wonder sometimes if my friends and my family ‘enjoy’ laughing at my poor taste and my weaknesses because truly, I don’t feel very good about myself. In the past, it was always about you, you, you and you and sometimes me. Now, it’s all about me because I just don’t have the time and energy for you.

Who is here for me? At their slight convenience, they will be here for me and in those ultra rare moments, I appreciate their friendship. It isn’t that I do not appreciate that, but I realized after living for 33+ years that I am yet again, the most reliable person to myself.

‘She’ wants me to acknowledge her again. Sometimes, I remember her and I think I feel her again, but I also think that I don’t. In case Michelle is reading this, it isn’t the Guardian I lost I am speaking about. I will make a poem about ‘her’ (what I am talking about here) later. Let’s just say I ‘kind of’ want to acknowledge her again, but that brings a whole lot of ‘problems’ back into my life.

Oh weird. I thought i was drinking Catnip tea this whole day, but I just realized there is no tea bag inside my cup.

I have found Amber who does not deserve to be with me. She is too good for me. I never imagined myself to be with someone who really loved me. I only imagined those with delusional feelings or those who wanted a fuck buddy. I also imagined that I was never really that good in the first place. Every single woman that was attracted to me in the past was attracted to an ‘unique’ mind, my wit, my confidence, my don’t give a shit attitude. Those are all so superficial and short lived. Someone even once called me Metro Sexual, a guy that pampers himself, takes care of his looks, but that was a long time ago.

Amber puts up a lot with me. I am not a gentle person. My words are borderline abusive and mean. I have a hot temper. I am extremely logical. I demand obedience when the other person is being ‘forgetful’ of her own words that she said just a few minutes ago.

I am a poor person. I no longer have the means to take care of my parents. My financial support for them has nearly ceased to nothing per month. What does Amber see in me? Am I just someone she holds onto, because she thinks she can’t get someone better?

I think she can easily find someone better, a lot gentler, more confident and successful, financially stable and capable. I am neither of those things. I am a loser. No one else can say I am a loser or a winner but myself and I AM a loser. I do not need someone to tell me otherwise. I thought about this for a long time and today I gave myself the allowance to say it publicly. I am a loser. That is all.

All our yesterday’s have flown
Like birds from winter shores
All the memories we’ve known
Are fragments and nothing more
Our Summer years have passed us by
Floating on an endless stream
Made from the tears we could not cry
Wrapped close in our inner dreams