Alt Lifestyle

Enigmatic Encounters

While it’s true that the majority of my sexual and intimate encounters in the past were made online, then met in person later, I find that the circumstances were a lot easier back then. I was younger, single, and I was emotionally available. At 42, not only do not look nearly as good, nor as fit, I am obviously married, and definitely not emotionally available. In comparison to Amber’s opportunities online, so far on OkCupid, I matched with one Chinese women who is 40. She’s decent looking, but her profile literally had “How are you” on it as her bio and one single picture of her holding a panda plush doll. She messaged me “How are you” as well, and that pretty much made me unmatch with her. Besides that, I also received 19 likes on OkCupid, up until I listed myself as married on my status. Which since then, I received no further likes. Also, on Tinder, while I received 7 likes, I had no matches. Amber on the other hand, has 30+ likes and 20+ matches on Tinder, as well as 25+ likes on and 7 matches on OkCupid. Well, women have it easier, especially if they look hot, regardless of their profile.

I know I should send people proper intro messages on OkCupid to increase my chances. However, as I mentioned in a different blog post, as well as during a conversation with Amber, I absolutely hate this process of finding someone I like from a catalogue, then message them on a lottery system. I feel there is too much pressure on such a superficial front. My profile is too linear from the other person’s perspective. People look at my pictures, then swipe left. For the few that stay, they check my status and realize I am not fully available, then move on.

It’s quite daunting, and disappointing. In the past, I found the majority of my varying types of relationships on sites like Craigslist. Now, I spend more time answering the OkCupid questionnaire than I do liking people I come across. There are quite a few I like, but at the end of the day, I end up passing on them, even though on the surface, they see like a good match. Gamer girl, whose nerdy, is more introverted, wants a little fun, etc. Of course, there is a lot more to their bio than that, but then I think about the process and I get super turned off.

Michelle might say I am self-sabotaging my chances here. Perhaps, but I digress. I am 42 and not 27. From 27 to 30, I was willing to take risks with an abundance of time and energy. At 42, I am still willing to take risks, but I don’t have an abundance of time and energy. It’s easy to make intimate and sexual connections with existing friends, because we have a connection. With new people, there is a lot of guess work, interpretation, deciphering, and matchmaking. It’s energy-draining and it takes a lot of time. At 28, I met a girl online, met up within 2 days, she kissed me an hour into our first meet up, then went to bubble tea, then walked back to her place nearby, kissed again, had sex. Same year, I met another girl, went for a bike ride, went to dinner after, on the same day, drove her home, we kissed, ended up fucking all within 20 hours after we talked online.

These days? Not a damn chance. I’m not so desperate just to find a hook-up. I don’t want a hook-up. I want a confidant whom I can engage intimately. Alas, there exist none that fits my needs and wants.

As a side note, this is my current profile on OkCupid: https://www.okcupid.com/profile/6130441435857684170

And before anyone talk to me about ‘strategy’, there is none when it comes to me, because *I* wrote the book on online strategies when it comes to online love/fucking/friendship. 😉 Not literally, not exactly, but close enough. When it comes to my standards, needs, and wants, I know exactly what I want and need. I simply am not going to find it doing what I had been doing in the last month or so.

You see, the sensations, the memories, the connections… I cannot describe them properly in text. Well, I can, but I not on an online profile. Besides being ‘too’ wordy, it’s a fucking online profile to at the very least, grab at the two-second attention span of a woman looking for more than just a hot guy. Even then, when I see a sexy girl wearing high heels and her tag includes “shopping”, I end up swiping left anyway. Makes me wonder my past, where I had women like this and I wasn’t fazed by it, yet here I am, totally fazed by it. One could say it’s because of my past experiences, I have come to the realization what works and what doesn’t for me, but I digress. I absolutely adore feminine women who loves dancing, clubbing, snowboarding, and stuff like that. From past experiences, what they did, did not mean they wanted guys that did what they did, yet here I am, swiping left. Perhaps I am just opting out of disappointment and pressure. In the past, I was able to easily befriend, speak with, hang out with, at times, sleep with women like that, but when I put myself into that same position now, I just can’t see myself doing it at my ripe age of 42.

Despite what my wife lists on her profile as being in a poly marriage, I don’t consider myself to be in one. We’re in an open marriage. Within the confines of our relationship, I chose to have one friend with benefits, rather than sleep around. Remember, I’m not trying to hook-up with women. I am seeking someone who may one day be a close confidant, that I can intimate and casually engage romantically with.

[sigh]

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