Amber and I have gone through many conversations, many revisions to our relationship rules, and finally since November 2020, we have come to a point where we have solidified as much of this as we can. In short, Amber and I have a set of core rules, that both of us abide by, but at the same time, have personal rules for each other that work dynamically with our personal needs and wants. The core rules are for both of us. The personal rules dictate, in a reasonable fashion, what each partner permits the other partner to do.
So what is an open marriage? Specifically for me, I am permitted to engage in a sexual, intimate, and a casual relationship with anyone besides Amber. However, we do have a list of people each partner can disapprove of. The disapproval list is for ‘under extraordinary circumstances’ that either partner does not want the other partner to engage sexually, intimately, and/or romantically with for a particular person.
These are our Core Rules:
- Honesty about our own feelings in this marriage, and intentions about our engagements with other people.
- Use good judgment when seeking engagements. They must respect us and be decent so that our life is drama free.
- Never give anybody else the feeling that they could be equal to your primary partner.
- Never tell your partner things you want to do with an outside engagement that you are not doing with your partner.
- We should never view our partner’s outside engagements as rivals or treat them as such.
- The outside engagements should never become a nuisance to spouse by being invasive or disrespectful.
- We need to keep safe from STDs. When engaging with somebody not entirely known or who has other partners, which condoms will need to be worn until we know we are safe for certain.
And more specific to those core rules, the following dictate specific circumstances:
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The Primary Relationship |
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| Concept: | The marriage takes precedence over all other relationships, as it is the foundation of what allows each spouse to have this non-monogamous opportunity in the first place. The idea is that this marriage is ‘the mountain’. All other relationships are the lands around it, with streams that connect them all. This rule is not strictly rigid. In circumstances where the other partner desires time with either spouse, this rule can bend for that. This rule is dynamic to the circumstances. |
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Flirting |
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| Concept: | Flirting is permitted towards anyone unless otherwise noted. Flirting is a combination of verbal and gestures, meant to arouse, to tease and attract, but not lead to sex acts. Making-out on the lips is strictly prohibited, but a peck is fine. |
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Sex Acts |
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| Concept: | Partners are able to engage in sex acts with people beyond the marriage, unless disapproved by the spouse. The details of the engagement are up to the partner. Partners must always be safe. When engaging with somebody who is not that well known or has other sexual partners, then protection must be used. |
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Engagement Within View Of The Spouse |
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| Outsiders | When a partner engages in any form of intimacy with another person, they should always keep the comfort of the spouse in mind. For example, when it’s time for a spouse to go to bed in their own home, then the bed shouldn’t be occupied, or we shouldn’t do things like coming home loud and drunk with somebody else in the middle of the night. | |||||||||
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Openness |
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| Concept: | Partners should not keep secrets of the external relationships from either spouse. However, secrets shared between individuals in those external relationships are none of either spouse’s business. | |||||||||
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Spending Time With Lovers |
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| Concept: | Overnight stays with other partners should be limited to no more than one night per week, unless under special circumstances such as a weekend road trip. This rule will evolve as the new partners become stable partners, and the spouse is comfortable with it. |
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Special Circumstances |
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| Holiday Flings | When going on a holiday without the other spouse, casual encounters are permitted. Paying sex workers for sex will be discussed on per holiday trip basis. |
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We have other specific rules that govern each individual, but those are for Amber and I to know and not for the eyes of other people. Those specific rules are tailored to the sensitivities, needs, and wants of each person. One other specific rule Amber specifically requested was that I never engage any of her family members sexually. Eg: her adult nieces and adult cousins. I asked Amber, “What about your cougar aunt?” and she responded, “All family members, including the ones I never speak with.”
[sigh]
Oh well. ^_^ There is plenty of other fish in the sea.
