This entire time, I was still the perspiring awkward feeling teenager who exerted confidence, except I was a combination of who I was entering my 20’s and right now, when I am 42. I was in a mundane apartment with grey decor, where nothing in particular stood out. I was topless with a shallow six pack, rounded shoulders, lean but strong arms, and nice looking pecs. I let some girls in various clubbing outfits into the apartment. They didn’t give me any particular praise, nor attention, except they were slightly warmer towards me. They spread around, not particularly taking any notice of the boring apartment, but they did want to have a good time regardless.
There were about 4-5 of us guys and about 10-12 girls. Music started playing, the string LED’s lit up, and the party got underway. As I walked around, observed the various hot girls in their lovely dresses, showing their creamy long legs of differing tones and glitter, I felt a bit lonely. So I called out to Ryan, “Where is Ryan?! Where is that hot blue eyed blondie?!” This piqued the interest of a few women nearby. As I walked around casually looking for Ryan, I noticed that I only received a few very short glances. Most of the women were just doing stuff in their cliques of girls. Most of them were barely interacting with the other guys. The guys might as well have been waiters waiting on them.
I changed into my usual plain but stylish clothing, then headed towards the door. As I walked around the bend, I noticed the heads of women turning to someone entering the room from behind me. Some of them had horny expressions on their faces. Others had a longing desire. One or two of them were mostly curious. I walked out the front door. While the door closed behind me, I heard Ryan greeting everyone.
Outside, I walked around in familiar places from bits and pieces of previous dreams. At first, my presence outside made me feel a mixture of emotions. The emotions primarily consisted of me being aware of how I thought others perceived the way I looked, while being aware of how quickly I walked around. As time went on, I focused less on how others might perceive how I looked, and focused more on how I walked instead. When I did that, I paced my walking at a speed that exerted confidence. I did so by reminding myself that I need to feel relax in my own body and that the environment around me does not revolve around me. As time went on, my pacing became more and more steady. My insecurities on how I looked also became more and more of a non-issue. I also noticed that my clothing changed too. I went from wearing tanned dress pants, black dress shoes, and a white top, to all black business-casual, which is my real-life clothing of choice.
Near the ending segments of my dream, I walked towards a location I was meant to go to. It was between two high rises of sorts. It was a narrow storefront with a primarily red brick structure, steel frames, and a small protruding storefront window. It didn’t even have a door. As I got closer, I realized there was a curved pathway to the left side with the same steel frames above the pathway and the entrance in the near distance beyond the curve. The entrance was made entirely of glass. The ground was white concrete slabs shaped as perfect squares and in between them, were faded round palm-sized stones. The lighting felt like it was cloudy with a good chance of rain, in the late afternoon or early evening, during summer. The temperature was Vancouver 18c with a vague breeze.
As I got closer to the entrance, I saw my reflection in the glass. I was wearing a blood red Qipao, shortened. I was also skinny with wide hips, long tanned legs, tanned slender arms, a perfectly perky body, with large c-cup breasts, wearing 6 to 8 inch red open-toe high heels. Most of my face was blurred, but I noticed I had succulent red pouty lips. My long black hair was tied up into looped pigtails and had other hair accessories in them as well. I was holding up a mobile phone, taking a picture of myself. I had a tattoo somewhere too, but just a small yet noticeable one.
In short, I was a super hot dainty little Asian girl, somehow.
Then I went through the entrance, clicking my high heels on the floor, turning many heads, even from the two women in front of me. They stared at me as if they were watching a goddess move gracefully in their midst. I ignored them completely, but I wasn’t being a snob either. I went up to the wall counter and called out to Michael. He’s the doorman of sorts. He was sitting with his back towards me, ignoring me. I called out to him again and realized he was on speaker phone. He just stared at me with vague acknowledgment and I just stared back at him with a vague “okay” expression, then walked away.
I entered the premise. Muffled house music was playing all around. Pretty LED lights of varying colours sprayed upon different walls. It was a nice modern place, with white walls, layered floors of different heights, art pieces hanging from a few walls, paper globed lights hanging around, and small clusters of people enjoying their time with each other.
Before I entered the place, when I realized I was a girl, I knew I was someone important. I knew I was someone who knew people and that those people knew me well. So I walked in there exuding confidence without even for a moment thought of how I looked, how I walked, what other people thought of me. To me, everything and everyone else were just props. The only things that mattered as that I was in a place I was familiar with, that I frequented, that I loved, created by important people who have varying relationships with me.
Yet, when I entered the place, seeking some form of attention from any of these people, I could not find them. I was just there, dolled up, alone.