For the last few months, Amber went through a process of self-discovery where she made the decision to do some boudoir-like amateur modelling for her Instagram page. It used to be a channel for Amber to show her family back in Germany what life is like in Canada, but after her sister criticized an erotic photo I posted on my own account, Amber decided to put her foot down. She chose, once and for all, to live her truth – that people can be more than one thing, and that lifestyle choices that do no harm should be respected. Since mid-April 2022, Amber has been posting erotic photos of herself.
A mutual friend told us she had to unfollow Amber because she didn’t want to get into trouble browsing Instagram at work. She also mentioned that she didn’t want to risk exposing sexual material to young children. Another mutual friend recently told me the same thing. To be clear, I wasn’t angry, but I was disappointed. Because their reasoning contradicts their supposed support of sex work. While they are both decent people, their actions – intentional or not – reflect the very sex negative attitudes they claim not to hold.
There’s a brilliant short article titled “Why is the red light district in Amsterdam legal, when children go there?” that compares how the Netherlands handles sex culture versus the prudish hang-ups prevalent in North America.
You see, the Netherlands has a healthy view towards sex and sex education. Sex isn’t stigmatized or regarded as sinful or dirty. Hiding it and pretending it doesn’t exist only makes it more stigmatized and shameful.
In the Netherlands, sex education is mandatory and begins at age 4. Obviously, it’s age appropriate and introduced in stages as the child grows up, but by their teenage years, their sex education has progressed to focus on having positive relationships, negotiating with partners, and using contraception.
A proper sex education leads to understanding, acceptance, and healthy attitudes toward sex and those who work in the industry. And it starts personally. You want to support sex workers? Then don’t back away in embarrassment the moment someone else’s judgmental gaze lands on you. Don’t say you support sex work, only to recoil at the slightest hint of sexuality in a social space.
So when my friends unfollowed Amber, I started to question where they draw the line. What if Amber joins them for lunch one day, wearing a “Yes Daddy” T-shirt, and their young nieces show up unexpectedly? Would they stop hanging out with her? What if they invite her to a summer BBQ, and she arrives in a bikini top and skirt. Would they disapprove because her breasts are too large and visible? Would they ask her to cover up?
Where does their support end, and their discomfort begin?
Because from where I’m standing, it looks like they only support sex work in theory, not in practice. They’ll nod in conversations but bend to the will of a sex-negative society the moment there’s tension. That’s not support. That’s optics.
I too have nieces and nephews – toddlers and teens. I don’t shield them from the sight of women in bikinis or heels, or women showing cleavage. Are these Instagram models shoving dildos into their bodies or performing explicit acts in front of children? No. So what exactly is the issue?
I’m not shoving this content in front of kids. If there’s a 0.01% chance they glimpse a woman’s thighs or sensual pose over my shoulder while I’m scrolling Instagram – so what? We need to stop treating the suggestion of sex as more dangerous than the misinformation and shame around it.
I also work in professional settings – government agencies, medical equipment manufacturers, and financial clients trading hundreds of millions of dollars worth of deals, and I’ll still proudly support sex positivity. Not in a performative way. In a real, values-driven way. If my boss ever told me that sexual content was inappropriate for the office, I wouldn’t unfollow my friends – I’d simply stop looking at Instagram at work. Simple. Grown up. Responsible.
So yes, it’s disappointing, because my friends aren’t standing behind what they claim to support. Instead, they’re prioritizing the comfort of a prudish, judgmental society. Instead of standing with us, they draw their line in the sand – right at the edge of real support.
Here’s the thing: there’s a difference between triggering discomfort and intentionally making someone feel unsafe. What Amber’s doing? Isn’t unsafe. It’s expressive. Personal. Honest. If people’s comfort zones can’t handle that – that’s their work to do. Not hers. Not mine. Not yours.
To them, there’s always a “but…”
And frankly? That “but” says more than any unfollow ever could.
