To Belong

11:52am

I went on DC just now and happened upon a thread titled “I Feel I Don’t Belong Anywhere – Like I’m Different And I’ll Never Find Happiness!” – LINK. My response was spontaneous:

I’ll give you a personal perspective Ms. Depressive Anon. Ever since the start of high school – eg: grade 7 (1992), I developed manic depression and anxiety. I have tried medication and seeing various grade counsellors as well as a psychologist ordered by City Hall. None of that really worked until I met my grade 12 counsellor who happened to also be my grade 7 counsellor. He helped me quite a lot, but ultimately, he wasn’t able to help with my ongoing emotions and chemical imbalances.

What really helped with coping with my depression and eventually getting rid of the depression side of it, was going through a three year period of very good financial successes then failing very very very badly in the end of it, losing a lot of other things in the process.

In the years following that, I had the chance to reevaluate myself on all sides. My experiences taught me to not only look at myself from my point of view, but also from other possibly perspectives that I can formulate in my head. With those perspectives, coupled with the support of my family and my friends, I have since then had the ability to come out always on top of my dilemmas, no matter how stressful or frustrating that had been.

Mind you, I wasn’t always this lucky to have these friends. Only handful of them came through for me all these years, and further, because of my willingess to change and upgrade my mental processes, I was able to put a lot of effort, time, and sentiment into my friendships, which to this day has created a sort of “King Arthur and his Round Table Knights” sort of ideology, and vice versa for my connection with my friends.

However, one thing that has never really changed was that I had always felt more and more foreign to the place I live at, to the places I am familiar and more comfortable with. I feel like I belong elsewhere, possibly on another world, another dimension, away from this place, this dimension.

When I was younger, I saw five jet stream clouds far above me late at night, amongst an infinity of stars and galaxies, away from the overwhelming glare of the city lights. I said outloud to them, “Take me away with you. Take me home with you. I miss home.”

In my heart, I felt I knew what home was, even to this day. Alas, I am still here on this Earth, on this planet, amongst others who may gave one time in their lives felt what I have felt. Just that, I am still feeling this way.

What made me strong throughout the years is my my ability to reinforce my ideals, myself, and as said, upgrade my mentality and thought proceses. I was an outcast during high school, shunned upon by my peers, exiled by others who thought being quiet was abnormal, and the only people who actually accepted me were skaters and anti-political kids. I found them to be warm and logical, but I didn’t hang around with them long enough to be too friendly with them.

After so many years, I look back and thought, “They were there, and they lived through all that, but they also had support from their own, and I could have had that support if I saw it back then.”

[smiles]

Quasi-godlike? Of course! Had that mentality for the longest time. Still like that? No not quite, but I think as individuals, we’re all gods ourselves. I have tried many different religions, tried putting a faith into them, but all of them had failed me. Yes, religious people can argue that I was the one who failed god. No, not at all. It was the religion that failed me. If god was truly out there, it would need no religion to represent it, and rather have us all achieve ‘god-hood’ through the strengths and will power of our own actions.

Thus in the ‘end’, I achieved being one with myself, and one with my surroundings. I am strong on the inside, as strong as I can be, with occasional bouts of anger and happiness. Then again, that is all what human nature is about. I let no text pursuade me of who I am, and I let no other influence me too much to change what I feel is me.

If you would like to talk more on this, we can MSN or email, or DCmail if you’re uncomfortable with a stranger. Otherwise, think about my words… 8]

I think I didn’t do a good enough job with my response, but all of this came from inside. [chuckles] I have to go take a shower now and do my work.

BTW, I had a dream this morning and in my dream I kept having this background voice tell me how much I want to bury my face into so and so’s pussy, so I can eat her out until she orgasms over and over again. There’s a cock teaser in our midst that had been poisoning my mind with vulgarities. Should she stop? No, not at all. So long as she doesn’t tell me about how the a mandarin orange fell between her legs, and when she goes to pick it up, the juices squeezed all over her. I think, I would have a heart attack from that. Yup.

Heart attack.

11:57am