TL;DR: People don’t fall in love with labels. They fall for complex individuals – flaws, virtues, trauma, chemistry and all. A “nice guy” can be secretly bitter. A “douchebag” can have depth. Relationships are messy because humans are messy – and what connects us isn’t always what’s “logical.”
This post comes from a question I once answered on Quora, and it’s one that still pops up all over the internet:
“Why do some women date douchebags instead of men who would treat them better?”
Here’s the thing – this question assumes people can be divided neatly into teams: Team Nice Guy vs Team Douchebag. As if we’re all in a cartoon where personalities are clear-cut, and relationships are determined by a moral scoreboard. That’s just not how reality works.
First of all, there is no Nice Guy Faction. There is no Douchebag League. People aren’t characters in an RPG game with fixed stats. Every single person is a walking contradiction of past experiences, coping mechanisms, unchecked wounds, inner beauty, and flaws they may or may not even be aware of.
Let me show you what I mean.
John is emotionally abusive. He drinks too much. He manipulates women into thinking he’s all they deserve. That sounds like someone you’d call a bad man.
But John’s also a decorated war hero. He helps disabled veterans. He gardens. He reads about theology. He recycles religiously. His old commanding officer still checks in on him, hoping John will get help – but John doesn’t believe he deserves to be helped.
Now take Peter. Everyone around him calls him a good guy. He’s helpful, friendly, funny, loves kids, and can code entire games in Assembly. He’s the wholesome kind of quirky.
Except Peter also has a vicious temper. He gets petty. He thinks every woman who’s rejected him is a whore. He keeps a mental list of people he wants to see fail. He clings to grudges and laughs at the misfortune of those who slighted him.
Are these men purely bad or good? Or are they just deeply human – broken in some places, beautiful in others?
When people choose partners, they aren’t weighing moral stats. They’re connecting with someone on an emotional, psychological, physical, or even spiritual level. Sometimes it’s based on trauma. Sometimes it’s comfort. Sometimes it’s that one smile that feels like home.
We rarely ask, “Why do people fall in love with good partners?” We only question them when things go wrong. The reality is, a good man can act badly. A bad man can be deeply kind. Our actions are shaped by context, connection, and circumstance.
My wife once said to me, “You’re not a good guy or a bad guy. You’re somewhere between a douchebag and a saint.” And she wasn’t wrong. She admitted she’s not perfectly good either. What makes our relationship work is that we both acknowledge our flaws, communicate openly, and try to evolve.
So why do people date someone who doesn’t treat them right? Because they’re human. Because they’re drawn to something that feels familiar or fulfilling in the moment. Because even people with red flags sometimes offer emotional comfort or connection. And because none of us are just one thing.
Humans are messy. Relationships are even messier. And sometimes, the line between love and regret is only visible in hindsight.
Let’s stop pretending people fit into neat little boxes. Let’s stop calling it a flaw when someone loves a person who’s complicated.
Because we all are.
