Prior to this post, you may have read “The First Born”. If you’ve been a visitor of my blog earlier than January 1st, 2016, then you would know that this blog once held over 400 blog entries. If you were here since the very beginning, 2006 April 1st, then you would have known that this blog had at one time peaked around 670 blog entries. The reason it went down was because over the years, I despised the political and religious stuff that I posted. I felt that they became stains of my ‘private space’. Then as time went on, I also removed various posts that I felt were shallow and meaningless.
It’s still quite incredible to see that my blog has gone through so much change since I established it nearly ten years ago. Which comes to my next and obvious point: “Where the heck are the rest of my blog entries?”
They have all been moved to a different website. I might actually put a password on that website in the near future, so only a few select people have access to it. Reason I moved them off site is because:
1. Gradually over time, I felt that the blog has become less useful to me.
2. I evolved my way of expression.
In the first three years, I blogged so often with so much passion, but as time went on, I had less I wanted to share and more I wanted to keep inside again. In the last ten years, there had been many times I wanted to close this blog and there has been a few times I suspended it for a short while. There were also times, I split it up and moved my more aggressive posts to a different website, while I left my deeper and sillier thoughts here. Eventually, I merged them again. There was so much uncertainty attached to this blog around the vulnerability I had with the evolution of my thought processes.
There is a part of me that want to document my thoughts as videos and podcasts, but I am too lazy to start them. So part of the time, I speak with Amber about my thoughts. In some very extremely rare past moment, I spoke to Luna about it. So it has come to a point where I feel I can reassign my passion for blogging again, with Leemanism v10.0. So here I am, ‘passively’ celebrating the ‘almost ten year old’ birthday of Leemanism. The version 10.0 was an accident. Version 9.0 happened March 2014. So it wasn’t like I had one version for every year.
I told Amber that Leemanism v10.0 commemorates a change in me or rather, a change in the way I want to behave towards the outside world. I know, it won’t be like it used to be, pages of passionate outbursts of comic relief, as well as the occasional sob-story about how cats should rule the world once more and dogs become the servants that fan them. Alas, I need a place to vent properly. Thus, the change is this: I will reflect on my worries, anxieties, depression and sadness, then I will share with you how I apply my mind so that the worries, anxiety, depression and sadness do not overwhelm me with self pity, digging a hole of despair to bury me while I am still breathing.
Though I ask for forgiveness if at times, I do give into some of that sadness. I find that while happiness seem like such a nice cozy thing to have, it’s unrealistic to believe that happiness is something that is long lasting consistently. So I need another means to keep me going. I’m sure many of you are in a similar feeling as I am, worst or better. In the end, no matter the degrees and gradients of our emotions, we all feel a certain way and individually, we need a means to help ourselves move ahead. If we trip, then let’s find a way to trip in a way where our fall wouldn’t land us so hard.