It’s exactly 12:00pm right now. This will be a very long blog entry. This will also be a very emotional one with a lot of raw unfiltered events. So bare with me, as you observe this journey with me. However, I also would like to say that this is less about me and more about Amber, my wife.
I would like to start this entry out, with the following verse from “All of the Stars” by Ed Sheeran. Give this a listen here, because this specific verse and the music itself is relevant.
So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home
The problem with blog entries like this, is that it’s multi-layered and it can easily be taken out of context. I ask, “Where do I start?”
Hmm, I am already crying for some reason.
My wife Amber has had a very hard time, through her youth and in her life with me. It’s easy to fall into the thought process that she is the burden – that those with major mental disorders are a huge burden for society, for those involved. Though I wonder what their thoughts are from their point of view, looking outwards – looking at those people they rely on for emotional support.
Recently, Amber and I watched an episode of AJ and the Queen. There is segment which Robert asks AJ if they can go back to their room and talk about the Roses and the Thorns of the day. Near the end of that same episode, Robert remarks that he knows who is the Thorn of the day, in which his friend Beth responds, “Is it me?”
Robert interjects and says, “No, it’s me.”
Later the next day, I remarked to Amber, “You’re the Rose and I’m the Thorn.” She tried to make me feel better and said I’m not, but we both know, at the start and end of each argument, I am certainly the Thorn. It’s not the first time I’ve been a person that has been hard on others and definitely not the first time I’ve been a burden for others. Though I try not to be. In my trying however, the solution is simply not ‘be there’. In other words, be alone, be a hermit.
Marriage wasn’t something I looked towards. It never was. Even when I was young and anxious, I thought that the idea of growing up, to connect with someone romantically, get married and beyond was scary. More specifically, I wasn’t scared of those things. I was specifically scared of everything that resulted for those things like the act of getting married in front of a crowd, to give a speech, to cater to her parents, to meet new people, to go to uncomfortable family gatherings, to travel, to do things beyond my comfort zones. I simply did not want to do any of that. Yet, of all of the things I didn’t want to do, I ended up flying to Germany, go on a long train ride alone to see a woman I met online, get married in front of a crowd, to dance at my own wedding in front of people who knew how to dance, to be a husband and take on the responsibilities of one. It has been many years, but thinking back on dancing at my own wedding still makes me feel very uncomfortable to this day. I was embarrassed because I literally did not know how to dance. I looked up videos and tutorials. I taught myself a simple move and stuck with that. I was forced to dance with my wife, my sister-in-law and Amber’s aunt the exact same way. They were nice and friendly, but even though that mitigated some of the discomfort, I was still very uncomfortable. This was something I never told Amber about.
It sounds really silly, but it has given me a sort of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The thought that I need to do this again, gives me a nervous breakdown. That is, until I get enough alcohol and/or weed in my system that I become absolutely numb to it. Then I can at the very least, excuse whatever lack of skill I have on those things.
One of my favourite songs just came on, titled “Moon” by Yoko Kanno.