A lot of people shove themselves into a very strict idea that dating is about settling into a relationship one at a time, trying to create a foundation with that person so marriage could be something to work towards. While they don’t say they believe ‘this person’ they’re dating is ‘the one’, down inside somewhere their psyche, they are trying to mold that person into ‘the one’. They don’t think dating as a means to figure out themselves – what works, what doesn’t, what tickles their senses, how they grow, what they grow into, what sort of things branch off from one point, so on and so forth. They don’t think of dating as an adventure of finding oneself, but rather, they think of dating as one linear path to marriage.
Recently, I saw a question on DearCupid that asked if the poster should settle with one of the two men that is somewhat interesting, but doesn’t fulfill most of her desires in a man, or wait it out until the perfect guy comes along. My answer is as thus…
Kenny pretty much nailed it in his first line. “All dating really is, is a learning curve.” Sorry, grammar and spelling correction.
I used to say this a lot in one form or another…
What do you think dating is? People often mistake dating as the end-all-be-all of your romantic adventure. Too many people date on some linear fashion. They date one person at a time, taking up that precious time in some long-drawn-out idea that ‘THIS PERSON HAS TO BE THE ONE PERSON!’
Alas, dating shouldn’t be about whether this one person might work for you or not. Dating is when you’re trying to figure out what you want out of a romantic, intimate, and sexual connection. Whether you’re ready for what you think you want right now, versus what you really want right now. Dating is to find out whether your dates are worthy of your time and effort, but even less than that, dating is for you to figure out what tickles your senses and what doesn’t. So date as often, as much, with as many people as you can. Until you connect with someone that wows you enough AND give you a sense of emotional stability that you might desire.
In short, don’t wait. Go out there and explore. When I met my wife way back in 2010, I was dating three other women and had a friend with benefits on the side. It wasn’t until the end of 2011 that I realized Amber was the one who encompassed everything I want. She isn’t the model of perfection. She didn’t need to. All that mattered was that somehow, our connection was dynamically strong with all of the various traits each of us had.
On top of the answer here, I would like to point out that the poster is ultimately seeking a long term romantic relationship and marriage. While I understand she’s in India, forced into some form of cultural agenda, ultimately, she has to take control over her own life and live it the way that makes her feel satisfied. If she settles on some mediocre lifestyle on a man she is partially committed to mentally and emotionally, she will start to resent that decision in the long run. This is less about not finding the perfect guy, and more about not being able to experience what is available out there. She should go out there, perhaps travel the world, and experience what there is to experience. When she’s had her run, had her fill, she would then know what works for her. Right now, she’s just fantasizing on possibilities based on concepts of half-glass-full. She needs to fulfill a series of perspectives, but before she can do that, she needs to have the opportunity to build the wireframes for those perspectives to exist.
In short, go out there and open yourself up to the possibilities. Through those possibilities, will you be able to create yourself. Through creating yourself, you will able to evolve and redefine what and who you are. Once you get to a point where you can finally settle down, you would then have experienced all that you allowed yourself to experience, and then some. By then, don’t look at your time left on Earth as a waste, but rather, as a fulfillment to your character. By then, you will then have a good feeling whether it’s time for you to settle down with someone that you find worthy of whom you have become, after all of those experiences. Trust me, while certain tastes are intact over the years, the more you expose yourself, the more you ‘grow up’ and evolve the way you think about things. By then, you will no longer be asking the question of whether you should choose between the two men, but rather, which colour jewel fits you better in the marriage you’re going to have next year. 😉
Of course, all of this is based on the notion that she has the capability to evolve her mentality, to define and redefine who she is. If she has zero or very little capability for self reflection and open mindedness, then most likely, she will continue to run on her hamster wheel of mediocrity.