I wish…

…you can hear, see, feel what I hear, see and feel. Obviously, who really knows how to respond to entries like this?

At one time, it was almost nice to have a student actually listen to me, but I was no mentor. Far from. In his perspective, yes. In mine; I was far from being eternal. With modesty aside, even if my perspective transcended humanity, I still resided in a human perspective.

Tonight, I drink alone again. Sake cups my brother got me for my 30th birthday with Port, cheap Port, but Port nevertheless. I contemplated the Taylor Fladgate Special Reserve I usually indulge in or the Cape Ruby. I got the Cape Ruby. Half the price, half the taste, but it does its job.

Indeed, I have cheapened my worth, aside from social protocol. [sigh] Social protocol.

There is so much I want to say, but I don’t think my blog here deserves to see my words. I need someone to share a bottle of Port with, that I can trust my mind to… Trust… Not trust. No, rather, to be able to swim in it. It saddens me that as I grow older, I realize that no one can swim in it as I do. Everyone else, simply, tries to fish it up.

Fish die out of the water.

It’s nice that my friends, most of them, joke with me, to ‘show’ me that life isn’t really so serious. That’s the other me, the other aspect, but the one aspect of me that really needs that sort of connection is foreign now. Completely and utterly foreign and it is at a stage where it is completely away from being connected.

When Melvin died, I was not saddened. I was almost indifferent. His family and his other friends may see this as a cold hearted gesture, but they simply do not and most likely will never understand. That is another reason why I am mind boggled by the religious who grieve for their lost ones as human bodies. If their ‘God’ is omniscient, then it is in ‘God’s’ will that their deaths will happen. If it is their ‘God’s’ will that it will happen, therefore, it is all a part of the great invisible plan. Which means, it is all a part of their religious vows to die at their given times. Why grieve for what is required to happen by the hands of the almighty being in which they worship? This mind boggles me to no end. Alas, they can never see this because simply, they put faith in such theories of “what if”. Reminds me too much like Albert’s “what ifs”.

Disgusting.

Anyway, religious rabble really get to me. Away from such misdeeds of humanity, shall we?

I said in my latest email to Nancy:

Almost everyone around me seem to be living a life of urgency. That, one must keep in touch with their friends and family, else, they lose that connection. Are bonds so frail, that one must keep in constant contact? I understand that human bodies are ‘short’ in comparison to the age and constance of the universe, but maybe that is my ‘problem’? I live my life as if I have hundreds of years, maybe even thousands of years to live. However, I don’t think that I can live beyond 90 to 95. No, it’s just my approach to life. Indeed, the urgency of health and the urgency of having financial stability is a given, but the urgency of living, to enjoy the infinite steps between 1 second to 2 seconds, to just go where the currents naturally direct us all – all of this is awesome.

I do not put up a facade that masks my feelings, my true feelings. No. What I do is live a conditioned life, where my feelings are secondary. I bring myself to a point to resolving matters that are brought up, if they relate to me.

Indirectly, I often wonder: Patrick and Jason talks about racing teams and cycling across Canada and doing all these rides, but I wonder if they say those things because it is what I really want or do they say them because it is something they want. I don’t put ANY hope in anything they say regarding to cycling. This may seem blunt and it is. Like what I said earlier, my feelings are secondary. I want to have my own team of riders. I want to ride to Calgary, to Prince Edward Island, to Southern California, to New York, fly to Japan and ride from North to South with my team, but those are MY dreams. They aren’t anyone else’s. Patrick wants to travel and experience different journeys that may boost his own concept of self-worth. Jason just wants to experience life as his spiritual alignment to his religion gives him. I view the world as a medium, a series of creative tools to help paint my canvas.

I want to say so much more, but my blogs fall on deaf ears. I will die one day, knowing I lived my life as I intended it. No one can share that with me. Only in stories, may others hear about it, a little.

Cheap Port, is really cheap Port.

—–

For awhile, I looked forward to my correspondences with my special friend that I truly adored. I think about her every day. Her picture is in my wallet. I wish I can give her my kisses and receive hers. However, I live my life as I chose it. No one out there can understand that. Some believe I am stupid for taking care of my parents, which includes my little brother. Some think I am courageous to brave aloneness forever, risking the rest of my life void of love and intimacy for the security and welfare of my mother and father. Most are indifferent.

I live for my parents. All that is secondary includes riding across Canada with my friends. All that is secondary includes having a cat companion, from new born kitten to old age. All that is secondary is to completely destroy myself in Taylor Fladgate, aged 25 years and die in my castle, secluded to the mental chess battle I have long formed since my childhood.

It sucks that Jonathan would not accept to be my ‘second’ in applying my dying wishes. He ‘advised’ me to look up a legal advisor. Well, he is smart and I never questioned his relationship to me, as my brother. It’s just that… I felt even more alone when he denied me.

—–

I will not say how, where and who, but apparently, my mom is a concubine reincarnate who in this lifetime, seeks to acquire power for her son, which is me. Unfortunately, it is not my time to acquire power. My thoughts are too immature. My ancestor was able to become an emperor from being a farmer. I am still a farmer. It is not my time.

I wish that someone out there would understand, but there is none. Jason is kind of close. Which is a ‘blessing’ for a few seconds. That is not to say I do not value my friendships with my other various confidants, but I just wish there was someone out there who is as open as the canvas that was allowed me.

Love, intimacy… As Jason and even Thomas would know it, can never be achieved with the authority of a confidant – a true confidant.

[sigh]

I am eating cheesy fishy crackers.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
12 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Capt. Tabbyman
2009-09-27 2:27 pm

To be blunt myself, I honestly would ride across Canada with or without you guys. I travelled across Japan by myself and why? Because that was my dream not anybody elses. You’re right about how people are living their lives in urgency when they should just slow down and realize what is in front of them. It’s nice to have someone you can connect with and for some reason, I feel nobody understands me as well. You may analyze and observe me but you don’t know my secrets. You really don’t. And you never will. Call it social protocol I… Read more »

Leeman
Leeman
2009-09-27 3:16 pm

Obviously, no one knows your secrets unless you share those secrets with others. Hence “secret”. As for “traveling to boost your self-worth”, this corresponds to ‘running away from home to find out who you are and what you’re worth, in terms of doing what you want and why you think you want it’. As for the “foreign connection”, you completely misread that. I didn’t say I didn’t value my friendships with all of you. Remember that my blog defines excess thoughts that ‘need’ to get out. If I detail all of my ideas, it would be fifty page essays that… Read more »

Capt. Tabbyman
2009-09-27 3:29 pm

Perhaps we should keep our conversations on a surface level then. I can’t share my own feelings cause I’m pretty much oblivious to your words and your thoughts. I can’t apply who you are because I don’t really “know” you are. I should’ve known before I replied. Perhaps we should just leave it at that for now until I understand, which may or may not happen.

Capt. Tabbyman
2009-09-27 3:32 pm

P.S. I’m not mad, I’m just wanting to learn but I’m pretty slow when it comes to anything thoughful or academic.

Leeman
Leeman
2009-09-27 3:35 pm

I modified my comment, so go back and re-read it again.

Capt. Tabbyman
2009-09-27 3:39 pm

I never share my thoughts on anything because I’m afraid of what people may say. I never speak up because I avoid “drama”. I have no one to talk to. I’m trying to share my thoughts but it has been misinterpreted. I told you I’m not good with words.

Lost…

Capt. Tabbyman
2009-09-27 3:42 pm

We are on two different levels. We can’t connect. I so want to connect with you man, but I can’t.

Leeman
Leeman
2009-09-27 3:45 pm

Then Patrick, why do you think I always ask you questions? You know, Erica for the first few months of our correspondences, could not for the life of her, ‘reach out to me’ because her words were often jumbled and she told me she was scared to tell me her thoughts, because she doesn’t know how to get them out in a refined manner. I told her, that it is better that she tells me her thoughts in her jumbled manner than to try to refine it. In her natural expression, she was able to tell me her thoughts and… Read more »

Capt. Tabbyman
2009-09-27 3:45 pm

I want to know you man cause I value your friendship at it’s highest but I feel so lost. Am I trying too hard? Or should we just leave it as is?

Leeman
Leeman
2009-09-27 3:46 pm

Read my post right above your latest one, starting with: “Then Patrick, why do you think I always ask you questions?”

Leeman
Leeman
2009-09-27 4:03 pm

I value my friendships quite greatly. My words may be ‘blunt’, but I want my friends to know that… Okay, I said this to Melvin a few months ago in an email: “Like myself, I am living in this community of people and the community of my immediate family, then the community of my circle of friendships. However, as I age, I become more separated. Often, I am two entities that share the same body and even the same mind. It’s like I am aware of looking through my own eyes. I am aware of myself speaking to others and… Read more »

Leeman
Leeman
2009-09-27 4:14 pm

Basically, Pat, I consider you a really close friend and I don’t tier off friendships. You are either close to me or you’re an acquaintance. Those close to me are my brothers and sisters. Everyone else are secondary. I once told my mom over a three hour long conversation that as I grew up, it is my friends, my brothers and sisters who help make me who I am today, tomorrow and all the days beyond that. They may not necessarily connect with me on a complex manner, but that does not mean they don’t connect with me at all.… Read more »