Lost Meaning

As per my message to Spongey yesterday, all of my entries for the month of October will showcase an entry header picture of my Spore Creature Creations. This image here is of an ancient creature known scientifically as a Leemanis. It resembles a prehistoric cat that screeches like a chimpanzee. It can’t really fly though. Those wings allow it to leap off tall things and glide over safely.

For the month of November, I’ll be showcasing images from my journeys into Aion as an Asmodian and then December, I’ll be showing images from Eve as a Minmater Special Forces captain.

Anyway, since my last entry, apparently it was obvious that my simplified thoughts are being interpreted differently. When some of my friends asked me in the past, “Why don’t you share your thoughts with us?” I had a good reason not to. If I under-explain my thoughts, misinterpretation happens. If I over-explain my thoughts, people get confused. If I use certain words, some people may translate that as being ‘hurtful’ or ‘condescending’.

Basically, in my mind, I constantly see an infinite space of strings and strings that stem from those strings and more strings that stem from those strings and so on and so forth. All those strings connect to an infinite space of planes or as I referred them as “onion layers”. Onion layers make up the profile of a person – inside and outside, beyond and in-depth. Strings represent connections.

Now, below is a simplified animated diagram of my connections:

[flv:http://swollencheeks.com/original_blog/wp-content/uploads/_videos/leemanism_coreme.flv 480 480]

As you can see, there are three rings and three tiers of balls. In reality, there is an infinite ‘amount’ of rings and an infinite ‘amount’ of shades and connections with an infinite ‘amount’ of layers.

Starting from the outside, the grey balls represent common society, communities within communities, social protocol. The grey ring represents learned social protocol. This is my ‘surface’ connection to the outside world.

The dark green balls represent my social circles. They make up all of the people I connect with on a social level. Sometimes, a few of those people can relate to me and can through that relation, connect with me that others in that social tier usually cannot. However, because their relationship to me and their connection is more often than not, obstructed by their social protocols, they can never really stay ‘inside’ the consistently connective aspect which makes up the orange ring.

The green coloured balls represents my confidants that stays consistently connected with me. Sometimes, as you can see, they are able to penetrate into the thick blue ring. The thick blue ring represents my silence to the outside world. It also acts like a mirror. People who don’t want to connect with my core or do not know how to connect with my core, often see a reflection of themselves unaware and translate what they see as who I am. However, as you can see, some of those people are actually able to penetrate that blue ring. Those are the people that either know how to connect with me or they become aware of their own selves and instead of pushing away, they further pull themselves into the core of who I am.

If you also have noticed, those green balls near the centre sometimes, bounce outside the orange ring and even the grey ring. This is their social connection with the outside world. They belong to communities of other people that set them into those social protocols.

Now, the last thing is the orange ball in the middle that is shrinking. Well, that’s me. Actually, the whole ring structure is me. The grey ring represents my connection to social protocol. However, as you’ve noticed, it is far from my core. The orange ring represents my comfort zone in being able to express myself to a certain degree. The thick blue ring represents the barrier between the physical and the metaphysical, or in other words, my inner-most thoughts and feelings.

The orange ball is shrinking as you can see. The reason for this is my separation of social protocol and my inner self. THIS IS THE PART that Tabbyman completely and utterly misinterpreted. The part speaking about cycling and whether my friends Jason and Patrick sometimes go with me on the rides explains two paragraphs up starting with “If you also have noticed, those green balls near the centre sometimes…” I was speaking about their connections with social protocol with their other friends and other communities.

/sigh

Now, I can explain each of those tiers in even more detail, but I think leaving it as this, is pretty clear. I just wish that my friends, those inside the orange ring would just understand sometimes, without getting into typing or reciting encyclopedias of information. My gosh. When was the last time I ACCUSED any of you of devalue or disconnection?? Hmmm? I ALWAYS take our connective history into perspective. Why did you think it took me so damn long to speak up to Albert? It wasn’t because I was afraid of him. It was simply because I was always considering his feelings and his own history of upbringing, hardships, heart breaks and etc, etc, etc. I would think that my friends by now, should be able to consider that my words mean more than what they seem and be able to put my history with those words together.

I.
Need.
A.
Beer.
Now.

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Capt. Tabbyman
2009-10-06 11:48 pm

What is social protocol according to you? I don’t know what that really means. Hey Li, what do you want from life? ———————————- Hey, Honestly, I’m afraid of talking to you on a personal level now. Even over the phone, I now hesitate. I actually think twice when speaking to you. I just wanted to let you know that’s how I feel. It’s probably not what you want to hear man, but I have to put it out there cause you’re my friend and you ought to know what I’m feeling. Even though I want to try, perhaps it’s better… Read more »

Leeman
Leeman
2009-10-07 12:34 am

I don’t understand how anything changed. You misread my last entry and now, you’re afraid of what exactly? Are you sure you’re not just afraid of my opinions? What would you rather do? Live a life without criticism? What does a life without criticism do to a person? What does a life without failure and risk do to a person? If you want to stay out of that ring, do whatever you want. I don’t know why you’re running away. To me, nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that now you’re running away from me. I… Read more »

Leeman
Leeman
2009-10-07 12:45 am

There is nothing I want from life. I believe life is a blank canvas for me to paint my journey on. Only I can make whatever my life is. I’ve said this before. Social protocol is the common standard in which individuals must adhere to, to fit into communities around us. In my last entry as well as this one, I think you’ve completely misread my meaning. There is NO negativity associated to how my friends connect with common society. It is a part of their psyche. I was speaking in relation to mine. Where I… I’ve explained this already… Read more »

Capt. Tabbyman
2009-10-07 12:55 am

Okay, let’s just stop this madness. I just threw a wrench in there. Sorry man, I should stop commenting cause we should talk in person instead. Okay honestly, I’m not really phased, I just felt like commenting cause I’m so bored staring at my computer! Communication through text sucks.

Leeman
Leeman
2009-10-07 1:10 am

Damn right! That’s what I always say!

“Communication through text sucks.”

Anyway, before you interrupted me with your response, I was actually in the middle of applying Vas… Erm, I mean, typing up a blog entry about cats, damn, no girls…