This entry is named in honor of one of my favorite songs by Massive Attack.
(An hour and a half later…)
I went out for a 20 minute bike ride, came back changed, stuff, then Pat called me and we talked for 30 minutes, then some other stuff happened and since my bro’s out, I’m going to use this chance to finally back up ALL 2.2 gigs of Cindy’s stuffs – videos, pictures, documents, etc.
(Almost 2 hours later…)
Ah, some more things happened. I finally took the last two hours to gather the rest of Cindy’s stuff and is now waiting for WinRar to pack everything up into 450 mb increment files, so I can move them onto my bro’s laptop via my 512 mb jump drive, unrar, then burn everything onto a DVDr disc. I’ll be making two discs in case anything ever happens to the first one.
You know, I thought about something earlier today… What if in the future I have a new companion and she finds out I have back-ups of videos and pictures of Cindy in a box – sealed away in my room? Would she ask me to destroy them? I don’t think so. Considering that the type of women I go after aren’t that unreasonable. Then again, am I being unreasonable for keeping them? It’s not like I will be masturbating to Cindy’s pornographic videos and pictures. [laughs]
(Listening “Pretense” by DJ Krush)
This song always make me want to take revenge on Cindy. Not that I have those thoughts right at this moment as I type this entry out, but more often than not, it does motivate my fermenting vengeance. It just reminds of what Cindy said to me once – that it’s hard to gauge my intelligence and street-smarts because it’s ‘hidden’. Well, it’s different.
Wait wait wait wait wait… NO! MUST NOT TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF!
Anyway, I thought I saw a very horny version of Laura on television earlier today. She was/is very cute and yeah. Reminds me of what physical attributes I like about Tea Girl and Doggy Meow… It’s a bit ‘scary’ that Marlon pointed out that DW has similar facial features as Tea Girl. Then again, Jon also said that it shouldn’t be so weird since what I like in physical features of a female should be similar from relationship to relationship anyway. Mhm, I agree. [nods]
No no no, I don’t like Laura, I mean not that way. She is like my sister… No, Ed is like my sister. Laura is more like my jee miu… Which I think would make me gay then… Oh my gosh! No, I am NOT gay nor am I gayish. 8P
You know? The reason I started this entry was because I was looking through my older journals – from September 1997 all the way to September 2005 (numbering in the hundreds – near one thousand pages), and I saw some entries about Cindy. I wanted to enter a few excerpts… Bare with my foolishness… You might as well call me Foolish Lee, or Fooli for short. Go ahead, say “Fooli”… 8/
December 18th, 2004 – 7:09pm
I wanted to enter this journal yesterday, I think, but I was deterred from it for some forgotten reason. Jon came over last night around 8:30pm and we played Dawn of War and then watched some car videos until 3am. After he left, I quickly went back up and called Cindy. For a split moment, I thought I shouldn’t because it was late, but I really wanted to hear her voice and hear her talk to me. Unfortunately, even though we spent the last few days talking over the phone for hours, I ultimately feel that we won’t be together for any other reason than just friends. There is the ‘bad’ and good of this.
The bad being my attraction towards her will be gone to waste. I have never been attracted to someone and not gone anywhere with them. The same is that I have never been attracted to someone then stay friends for long afterwards, since I mainly categorize two types of friends. Those whom are just there to pass wasteful time with, and those I honestly and sincerely want to help some way. Basically, a progressive union. However, I think this will be a different case. There is a good possibility that we will continue our friendship.
Now, the good thing of this is that I always believe to never settle for anything, until all ideas and all alternatives have been exhausted. It is obvious that she can have better suited companions than I. With this sentence alone, I have not done much in terms of trying anything further with her. However, when I am so close to her, all I want to do is take her hand and squeeze it and brush it against my lips. All I want to do is hold her, and feel the warmth of her body against mine. Alas, it all comes back down to believing that she can truly and utterly do much better. This isn’t low self esteem. This is simply the ability to recognize a bad investment versus a good one. I always want what is best for the ones I love and care about, and I really care about her at the least.
It’s 7:23pm right now, and she’s napping quietly on my bed – just a few feet away, and all I am doing is typing this and thinking about how much I want her – how I want her to be with me. Yet, I don’t find the courage to go after her because I am truly a bad investment. At the most, I am an unstable portfolio.
So tired and sleepy, but I just want to be here and let her sleep, to be close to her, yet not.
And then another one a few days later…
December 23rd, 2004 â€“ 9:01am
I have to go to bed in less than 10 minutes or I am going to be brain dead. The last few days had been both good and bad for me. It was bad because lingering emotions from my past came up and beat me to the ground pretty hard, and it was good because I was allowed to open myself up to someone I am more than just attracted to.
Metaphorically, the whole land is burning in a raging fire. The sky is clouded with smoke and soot. I am already fighting the demons that lurk here â€“ they constantly spawn and rise up against me and my armies. Billions of lives have already been lost, and trillions of others continue to join this battle. In one perspective, the heat singes my sweaty skin, scorches my platemail, and the reflection of the flames dances across the metal on my body. In another perspective, demons from the bowels of the darkest parts of my mind emerge from the ashes of the dead and wage a chaotic war against those who fight to protect my sanity. Shadows dance from thing to thing, whispering temptations for me to turn and betray everything I believe in. I fight hard and tears pour out of my eyes. My heart, literally aching with lust and sadness.
Cindy is like the little water I have carried in the canteen on my belt. She is the only source that allows me a small bit of relief. â€œSmallâ€ because it is really difficult to fight this internal battle. So many times, I was on the verge of letting go â€“ so many times.
Lots to read eh? Hmmm… Then I’ll skip the next one and find a paragraph or two more…
February 20, 2005 â€“ 2:33pm
Albert suggested that I use visual and musical representations to explain my emotions and my views to Cindy. However, with the usage of metaphorical terms, she has failed nearly every single scenario given to her. She absolutely believes that only through text can a person truly understand a topic. To her, if a person cannot explain it through text, then that person do not truly understand that topic. Itâ€™s really frustrating because I have used many alternatives to try to lure her into seeing what I see, or at the very least, feel for the outer-lying texture of my ideals. If what she thinks is true, than that means that everything that anyone who has ever experienced my journals, my art work, and my music have been just as delusional as I was.
I rarely ever share my visions or my ideals with anyone, because I know I cannot use text to explain them. Albert made a reference in a recent email to how I/we work in terms of thought:
++During one of those nights when we went out for a drive near downtown Vancouver, I remember we ventured directly underneath the Cambie Bridge (or was it the Granville Bridge) and we just stood near the edge of the water on the south end looking straight down towards the north end, taking note of the light water waves and the bridges support beams. Then afterwards, we drove to the north end of the bridge and did the same exact same thing. All the while, we wanted to see what effects this would have on us and how various perspectives of the same object allowed us to feel something so different. Even if you didn’t utter a word when we were doing that, I would still know or at least have an idea of what you were looking at. I knew what emotions you felt or what thoughts you had because I had similar ones myself.++
Recently, I thought instead of what I want, I thought about what I have. Aside from the linear subject of possession, she is quite positive in quite a few ways. She is exactly a good human being. In terms of D&D alignments, I believe she is a Chaotic Good person. She simply fits the image of the type of companion Albert believes I should have. Jon has similar ideals as well. However, she lacks in the spiritual connections I desire.
Is it ‘funny’ that there are journal entries inside a journal entry?
May 23rd, 2005 â€“ 1:53am
Again, Cindy is sleeping behind me on my bed. Since Friday, sheâ€™s been with me from 12:40am to 7:00pm, and then 9:35pm to about 5:12am Saturday morning, and then she came over again around 12:30pm Sunday noon until now which is 1:56am Monday morning. Since Friday 12:40am, sheâ€™s been with me for a bit more than 39 hours out of almost 73 hours. Thatâ€™s more than when we dated â€“ seeing and staying with each other consecutively.
While we were in the car going to Surrey, I was thinking about holding her hand there, but tried to steer my thoughts elsewhere â€“ about my bike trip with Carlo at Burnâ€™s Bog, various memories with other people in the area, etc. When we were sitting there, listening to my cousin play, I wanted to put my arms around her. When the recital was over, I tried to distance myself from her a bit, and it worked. She walked off by herself. However, I came to my senses, and got out being distant and looked for her outside the recital hall. I didnâ€™t want to be in her face all the time, thatâ€™s why I did that.
When we were taking a family picture with Christina, I wanted Cindy to be there beside me. After we watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding, as she was sitting there drinking tea and blabbering away, all I wanted to do was touch and caress her hand and kiss it. When she was laying there sleepily thinking what the A&W theme song sounded like, all I wanted to do was caress her face and kiss her, and put my arms around her and sleep there beside her. This whole time, it was such a difficult experience to go through. Itâ€™s a completely different experience too.
During the movie, during the wedding proposal scene, I took a â€˜washroomâ€™ break hoping to skip that part while she continue to watch it. Alas, she paused it until I came back. [frown] Itâ€™s now 2:11am, and she just woke up after about 1 hour and 25 minutes of sleep. Itâ€™s time for me to turn in too. I just wish I can kiss her good night right now, but I canâ€™t. So very difficult. So very very very difficult.
May 26th, 2005 â€“ 2:29pm
It has been almost 6 hours since I saw her last. I arrived at her house around 9:05pm, watched a bit of Alias downstairs with her, Ed, and Maggie, then went to Dragon Ball to get two Fresh Taro with Pearls. It was so delicious. Went back to her house, watched that last little bit of Alias, and then went back to her room. She tried studying for about an hour a bit, while I blabbered about various things that happened recently with Albert and my little conversation with Carlo on his views on Gordan Campbell and the Liberals, etc, etc, etc, and then she started getting tired and so I went over and gave her a shoulder massage. Then I asked her if she wants to go take a rest on her bed, and thatâ€™s where I gave her proper back massage with lots of baby oil.
<15 minutes later>
I was uncomfortable, but as the minutes passed, the more she shed her clothes, as the baby oil was getting on them. First, I loosened her bra, and then she took off her top completely, and then I asked her to pull down her pants and eventually just took that off completely as well. I continuously asked her if she felt uncomfortable, but she wasnâ€™t. Eventually, after about an hour and a half of a complete rub-down, I asked if I could lay on top of her, while she laid on her stomach. I started off kissing her shoulders, the back of her neck, then her face, while caressing her arms and the side of her body. Afterwards, I asked her if she can turn around, so her back is on the bed instead, and she did that. Then I started kissing her face, and her neck and collar area, and eventually we started kissing each otherâ€™s lips, etc, and she asked me if I was uncomfortable and awkward, and I replied saying no. The funny thing was I asked her eventually, â€œIs there something else you want to do?â€ She asked me the exact same thing the first time we kissed way back in mid December 2004. She said she kind of wanted to, and then I asked her if she would regret it and she said no, and she asked me the same thing and I said I want to do it, but I might regret it because I am unsure where we are going, that the future seems vague. She kind of convinced me that we are in a much better position than we were before, and after thinking about it for a bit, I initiated it and we made love. We did for about 10 minutes, while trying to keep as quiet as possible. She came in the end, and I was very satisfied mentally â€“ even though I did not climax myself.
Umm, I have to continue this entry tomorrow as I have to rush over to Graemeâ€™s office right now. Hope youâ€™re well Cindyâ€¦
Yummilicious! Okay, just excerpts now…
What I had hoped all along that I â€˜forgotâ€™ about, is really in the end, I wanted her to be the one to fulfill my dreams. Thatâ€™s why I was able to see her, and not that things that influenced her to do the things she did, coupled with her reservations towards me.
I took a crystal and extracted the different tints of colours from her, and through my â€˜creativeâ€™ perception, I was able to see the source of where those tints originated from, then â€˜deletedâ€™ them, and what was left was her â€“ the real colours, the true colours. There are no enhancements, no limitations, and no filters. Everything that she has done are always through enhancements, limitations, and filters. There were moments where I was able to see pass all that.
I guess this is a better way to describe what I told Sylvia back in December about Cindy. This was to do with what I would like to do â€“ to be able to sit back or stand quietly in the near distance and admire Cindy, without her knowing that I am watching.
Try to imagine us at a park, without the influence of any external factors. Just nature and possibly a few children amidst our natural surroundings. I often ponder on the things she would do â€“ probably smile and giggle at the children playing, and probably sit there as patient as she can get, enjoying the light breeze and the sunshine.
And finally, skipping many months, the last one…
April 3rd, 2006 @ 2:08pm
Unfortunately, I really do miss MyLittlePinkle… I know she treated me with disrespect and all, and Jessica is right, she hasn’t done much to warrant my love for her. Carlo suggested I “break out of the routine” by doing other things, but I never was in the routine to begin with.
Just that, I really miss her.
Earlier today, I was going through my phone and noticed I didn’t delete her pictures yet. I thought I did. Anyway, I sifted through them, and I stared at her picture – with Berri on her lap, holding a carrot to his face. That’s the Cindy I miss. Tomorrow night around midnight will be two weeks since we broke up. However, I should realize that we already departed from each other since mid January this year, or more prudently, she departed from me a longer time ago.
It just feels like I am an immortal and she is a human mortal. That she can jump from one to next so easily, not only because she had no feelings for me, but that is exactly what she is – a human mortal. I’m not saying I am really immortal, but just that… As if time is at a stand still and I look through a window down at life below. Everyone is moving really fast, but I am timeless.
I’ve been rummaging through things in my room and bathroom, where things of her’s might be, and when I thought everything is in the box, I still find her pictures on my cell phone – ones from December, January, February and March.
So many times I want to call her, just to hear her voice, but I know, it will hurt me a lot more.
Was that painful for you all to read? Well Leeman is going through the Fooli stage. 8x
And yes, that rabbit is raping the chickenâ€¦ [sigh]