The Tragedy Of Life


Original article can be found here – LINK.

Ariel/Michelle sent me an email with a few lines that originated from an article by Gobala Krishnan, after reading one of my entries. At first, I wasn’t mindful of the excerpt, but after discussing my dilemma with my mom earlier today and allowing myself to show her my stress, I came back to her email and searched for “Stop murdering who you really are inside” on Google. That link turned up.

I have never used an external source to try to reaffirm my own thoughts before, so having an external source to reaffirm my heart was nearly ridiculous. My thoughts have a lot of logics and reasonings, but it’s true what my heart really wants. I sound naive don’t I?

I wished I had chased my dreams when I was younger… Wait, no I had, just that I wasn’t very mature at it. Not at all in fact.

Here’s the entire article:

To quote Albert Schweitzer- “The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives”. I think he hit this one right on the spot, right where it hurts.

How many people really live life to the fullest? How many people really achieve the best they can, and fulfill their purpose? For each who does, there’s a thousand who never will. If killing your own dreams and god-given talents were a crime, the streets would be empty.

My personal goal in life is not to achieve perfection, but to be the best that I can be. My personal goal in life is not to chase impossible dreams, but to have one that I can live for. The sad part is that in my first three years of working as an employee, chasing the promotion that would never come, and the facade of importance and significance that consumed my better judgement, I let a part of me suffocate almost to the point of death.

To the benefit of the reader – you – all I can offer is my personal testimonial, looking back at the empty years to see all that I did wrong, and all that I did right. What I hope is that it will touch you in some way, and that you too will stop murdering who you really are inside.

If you want to fulfill your ultimate purpose in life, here is my suggestion:

1) Always Follow Your Heart

You heart knows the truth. Yet, we are thought since we were kids never to follow our heart because it leads us astray. We are thought that our heart is feeble, and that all decisions should be made with proper thinking.

I would say that concept couldn’t be more wrong. How many times have you done something you regretted, simply because other people said that it was the right thing to do? How many jobs imprisoned you? How many relationships turned sour?

2) Work For Yourself, Not For Others

I don’t mean quitting your job to start your own business. What I mean is that you need to have a vision of what you want to be, and only work towards that image. Don’t just get a job because it’s convenient and pays a lot. Those are just traps that your “smart” brain will lead you to. You will end up doing a job you hate, and hating yourself for choosing to do it. Deep down inside you knew it would happen before you put ink to paper, and signed that contract.

If you want to be a radio DJ what good will working as an accounts clerk do? Will it buy you more time to work towards your dream? Will it make you “all-rounded” and increase your future job prospects? Those are just fallacies that society imposes on us to make sure we “conform” to the system.

You have a talent, even if you don’t know it yourself. I want you to believe that you’re better at doing something than almost everyone else in the world. If you spend time trying to make yourself better at something you’re not and don’t care for, you’ll just end up being “ok” at it. But if you spend time trying to improve at something you’re naturally good at, you will be the best. And the world will love you for being so.

How do you know what to work on, what to improve, and what to master? Just follow your heart. It will show you the way.

3) You Will Never Be Where You Are Now

You’re either moving forward or you’re falling behind. There’s simply no such thing as “staying where you are” or “taking it easy”. It’s just a fallacy. Learn new things, grow, improve yourself, and strive to be the best that you can be. If you don’t you might get up one day to realize that the world doesn’t need someone like you anymore.

When you start your journey to self-mastery, never look back and never return to where you started. The right way; the ONLY way, is to take the next road. Don’t stop to watch the traffic or to make a detour. The map of your journey will only be revealed at the end of it, so don’t feel afraid to try out a new path. If you follow your instincts you will never be permanently lost.

How do you know when you’ve achieved your best? I don’t know. I have a feeling, though, that while taking your last breath you’ll feel like you’ve really lived life to the fullest. At that point all the dots will form a straight line and the map of your life will be revealed.

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives. Remember that.

This made me think of Albert (Chen) more than anyone else.

Anyway, I am still deciding at this moment, because I am unsure, because my thoughts tell me otherwise, but how many times have my thoughts failed me, and always, I have taken my intuition by jest. Always – throughout most of my life, every single time something good comes up, I let my mind take over – let that unyielding curse of being objective, analytical, reasonable, logical, and calculating.

Chasing after women, I used my thoughts, my wit, and where did that get me? Short term relationships, flings, and fuck toys. Going after jobs to help my family – which is a good thing, but at this age, I can’t do what I need and want to do. Either I give up my dreams and work in some 9 to 5 job, or give up my 9-5 and go for my dreams. My day job was a temp so I can help out my family, it was a personal sacrifice of my time, but I am at a stage where there are people who need me. They are short term projects, that won’t last, but it gives me a design edge, where as my day job doesn’t offer me anything but slow and constant income.

I’m losing the trust of my partners at Razor and losing the trust of the people who entrust me their projects for the last few years, because I cannot and do not have the motivation to finish any of them, due to my day job sucking the life and efforts out of me. I go home, and I just want to dick around and do nothing. Before this job, I could get Stern’s projects done in ONE WEEK. Nowadays, her project is late 1.5 months!

I have to regain their trust before I lose everything. If things don’t work out in the future, then I’ll find myself another job. Until then, I have to finish what I started. I hate feeling failure. If I fail, I want to know that I did my best and it failed – NOT because I didn’t finish what I started.

So as usual, as all Senior Management goes, I have to make the executive decision and stick with it. Let my intuition guide me for once damn it. Let my heart out in the open for once. I cannot rely on logic alone. It’s blind to my dreams.


ps: Thank you Michelle… 8] [bows]

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2006-09-11 12:22 am

Hi Li,
Thank God!! I felt awful yesterday sticking my nose in your business, but could not help myself. When I first met you, through your writing (lol), I thought WOW this guy has such a way with words, and is not afraid to say what he feels. Then as the weeks went on, I could feel your frustration, sadness, anger, hurt, stress to name a few …….enough of that anyway I am glad I could of helped you .

REMEMBER: If you’re not experiencing failure, you are not working hard enough.

 Michelle

2006-09-11 1:32 am

Well you shouldn’t feel awful at all. There aren’t a lot of people in this world who would stick their nose in other people’s business, especially when I enjoy having some extra ‘company’. At the very least, another voice to add to my little group… 8]

In fact, if you ever want to chat (MSN) or email me, you’re very welcome to. MSN is the same as my email address: avocadomilktea[at]

Fong Pei
Fong Pei
2006-09-12 10:33 pm

man, that article was soooo cheesy and idealistic. Sure, I’ll follow those instructions to a “T” and after I’ve “lived my life to the fullest”, I’m sure a winged bunny will swoop down and carry me to the land of java and cotton candy, where light bulbs never die, soda always remain bubbly, and popcorn never buns. can you always follow your brain? hell no….can you always follow your heart? you’d be foolish if you thought so. In life, there is no absolute truth, rule or law. Life is about balance and adaptation. Working for youself sometimes require you to… Read more »

2006-09-12 11:27 pm

I agree with [Copy & Paste] Fong Pei [/Copy & Paste]. To an extent. Life isn’t cool enough to allow the kind of happy go lucky attitude. It’s sad but true. 1: Always Follow Your Heart I’m sorry. But you can’t always do such things. My heart is telling me to move to Massatusits((YesI know I can’t spell, leave me alone Dx)), and be with someone who is important to me. But I can’t. One, I don’t have the money to do something like that. Two, personal situations, and other factors are playing against it big time. Three, I don’t… Read more »

2006-09-12 11:54 pm

Well, obviously it’s cheesy. Don’t forget who you’re talking to! 8] But like many small things I brush aside, I never consider my dreams more than what I have to do in the short-term. I quit my job (got laid off – my boss laid me off instead of allowing to quit). It’s ideal to do my day job and try to do my evening work at the same time, but like I said, I can’t. It’s not working. I did my day job for one year and look at the progress of my freelancing and my progress for Razor… Read more »

2006-09-13 12:52 pm

Fair enough countless other lives have their share of problems and Gobala Krishnan would probably be taking prozac if he lived our lives. But why are you afraid to take a chance? Sure you have responsibilities towards your family and that you must honour. But who says you can’t have your dream and help your folks? (Yeah I can see Fong Pei and Sammaria rolling their eyes heaven wards)Your day job is sucking your soul from your body. Get rid of it. Take a chance, in 10, 15, 20 or 30 years from now you would say ….I should of….… Read more »

2006-09-13 6:38 pm

Off topic, but I find it hilarious hearing/seeing others speak of “Fong Pei”. 8]

Fong Pei
Fong Pei
2006-09-13 10:51 pm

hahaha….if only I could hear all these other people saying “Fong Pei” in person. I’m not telling you to not follow your dreams and spend the rest of eternity working in a box and eating animal crackers on your break. What Samurai and I are trying to say is, everyone has to find balance, achieve equilibrium with the world. Its good that your parents have some surplus money and you are collecting EI, that should really help ease up some stress and let you work on your “night job” more. However, you talk about your “day job” as the greatest… Read more »

2006-09-13 11:24 pm

Aminal crackers ish goooood~ x) Dood. How do you manage to work so many….oh, program/design…yeah. X__X I wish I could sit in a chair while I work. So I just finished my first day back on the job. Been raising the kid for the last 3 years, not much doing there cause he’s like a self contained fun package. I just set him down, and let him do his thing. 3 years of lzing around. And then suddenly an 8 hour shift on my feet. Bah humbug I say to dreams! Dreams shmeams! xD So yeah, find your balance dude.… Read more »

2006-09-14 1:50 am

Well it’s fine. I thought about it for a few months, came to a fork and decided, and the choice has been concluded. I’ll just go through with it. Remember, it’s not just about freelancing anymore. There’s other responsibilities I have to live up to – eg: Razor side. If I don’t put in my two bits, their project won’t move. Yeah, it’s possible to do two jobs, three jobs, etc – but you don’t see people doing any 10 to 5 customer service/tech support job than an engineering job from 7pm to midnight now do you? When you switch… Read more »

Fong Pei
Fong Pei
2006-09-14 12:32 pm

you mean like working at the NRC from 9-5 and then working at Silvercity from 6-1am?

2006-09-14 1:02 pm

Yeah like that, but the other way around. So if you worked Silver City from 9 to 5 then NRC from 6 to 1am. And remember, this is the creative industry. You’re required to use imagination complemented with natural and learned talent/skill, answering the inquiries from the client and your partners. Here’s the typical project criteria I face in completing one: 1. Meet with client/partners, they give me their ideas 2. I tell them whether it’s feasible or not, and come to a compromise 3. Reorganize and create detailed flow chart and project plan 4. Research and study for ideas,… Read more »

Fong Pei
Fong Pei
2006-09-15 9:46 pm

question: being in your line of work where creativity is the name of the game, aren’t you constantly working? What I mean is, you can get ideas all the time; on the toilet, riding your bike, eating lunch at work, MBing to nubian porn…so in essence, are you not always working on your freelance stuff? I would have to say your biggest problem is the fact that no matter where or what you are working on, you’re always in the situation where you are the only one who knows how to do it or how to fix it. So if… Read more »

2006-09-16 2:17 am

The thing is, for freelancing, I don’t trust anyone, and it’s difficult to pay someone at these prices. For Razor, I have to wait until they get VC/Angel before I can hire anyone, and hiring someone who has about 3 years experience will cost the company about $35k to $40k a year (gross). When we were just doing the beginning part of the kiosk interface, holy crap, you should have seen me – I was so out of it. Albert would tell u I looked like a blank face ghost. Anyway back on your first question – the thing about… Read more »

Fong Pei
Fong Pei
2006-09-16 9:42 pm

there’s no way you can get someone to do all the boring, technical tasks? like compiling, debugging, attending some meetings for you, etc etc. Would you trust someone to do those things?

p.s. if I put a big spoiler and neon lights on an enzo, would that not be awesome?!

2006-09-16 11:24 pm

Probably for sure. Well I’ll look into it for sure. 8]

PS: when I was showering just now, the shampoo bottle reminded me of someone named Jonathan making hot sweaty love to it by sitting and squeezing shampoo into his anus. Wow!