Drink: Sho Chiku Bai sake
Tune: “Active Radio Activity” by iLL
…that no one was there for me when I needed them. Come on, you *should* know me by now, I don’t ask for indirect help. I hint it very indirectly. Eg: “So what do you want to do now, that we’re done dinner?” or “You feel like something bubbly?”
Ah, it sucks really. The two people that really understood me are not here anymore. One turned into a petty, ill-tempered blamer of the entire universe and the other just got married and lives far away. So I’m stuck here with some pretty fantastic friends, but they don’t quite understand me on that same level that Jonathan and Albert did.
For example, there was a night, around midnight that Albert and I went to some apartment buildings next to Granville Island and we just stood there, both looking at the reflective water and he started a question, “Do you…” and I interrupted and said, “Yes.” I remembered he grinned and said, “I like how you and I just know things without saying much.” – something like that.
Or the times when I spent my evenings and early mornings with Jon, just walking around aimlessly or chill at my house, I would sit on my chair and he would lay on my bed, not talking and then he would say, “I know you have something you want to talk about. Out with it!”
These days, my friends over here have their own issues and are not readily available. At the same time, they aren’t available regardless because their thought processes are on a different plane than mine. For example, I would be standing somewhere and looking at something and I might have a grin on my face, but they would be completely clueless what I’m thinking about.
Indeed, I do think back on the good days I’ve had with Albert, but it really just sucks how everything turned out. At least we didn’t forfeit our friendship due to the misinterpretation of some freakin girl. [laughs] At least, that is the highlight of our end.
So since we departed from each other, I had been dealing my issues on my own terms. It’s not difficult. It’s just daunting.
I know Patrick and even Laura tries to do things like joke around, humor me and play along with me and add their tid bits here and there and that’s awesome. They’re awesome. They are, so don’t ever think otherwise. However, I need someone right now and no one is there for me. No one. Zero. Zilch. Nadda. Ling. Void.
I’m not a talker when I need someone. I am a refuge taker.
For example, Albert and I used to drive around, listening to CD’s I made for him or CD’s that he made coinciding a period in his life. We would drive around in his Prelude and he’ll tell me his thoughts and feelings. Then we’ll park somewhere and just enjoy the ambiance. Listening to him talk those years ago, was inspiring. It was actually, possibly coincidentally that after he and Jenny became more serious, that it all became so damn different. He was always anal, but man, there were so much shit after they got together.
Anyway, or Jon… These days, who in my group of friends here would go sit out at the playground with me and swing on the swings while we talk about Quasars and black holes? I loved those stories Jon told me.
I ride hard these days. I sprint above 40km/hr for an amateur like me, sometimes reaching close to 50km/hr. I induce emotional suffering and that in turn, drives me to ride hard. I think the coolest time ever, was when I was riding around 49km/hr beside a car that was going about the same speed. The passenger gave me a thumbs up.
Some of you, like Michelle may have at least at one point wonder why I am so unresponsive and taking so damn long with my hand written letters. I am more reactive than active. Towards others, I am reactive. For myself, I am active. If my friends seek me out for advice, opinion, a sounding board, etc, I will react accordingly. However, no one reacts to me, so I have to take the initiative and action for myself.
Now before Pat goes off into a potential 12 comment tangent, I am not blaming anyone for not being able to be there for me. In fact, I’m typing out all of this in a state of equanimity. I recognize domino effects, chain reactions, connections, layerings, etc. I am here today, because of a myriad of circumstances.
That’s pretty much it.
However, there is one thing I seriously despise is when someone gives their word and back it up with “Trust me” and/or “I will never…” Because when you do break that, I remember it and I will remember it forever and it always use that as a referencing point to everything you do in the future. That’s why you will very rarely hear or see me say “I promise” or “trust me” or “I will never…” – unless I knew I could follow through with it. When I break something I’ve said, I get into a state of massive upset and think about it a lot, coupled with how I may not break it again. I hate words, even though I am a prolific writer, as I align with action much more. I just hate waiting. As my earlier conversation with Laura, “I despise waiting to hear back from someone.” It simply and utterly stresses me out – within context of immediacy of course.
This damn sake is NOT making me buzz! I blame the massive sushi I had with Jason L and Patrick!