Unfortunately, I have also realized…

Mood: Settled
Drink: Sho Chiku Bai sake
Tune: “Active Radio Activityā€¯ by iLL

[audio:04-ActiveRadioActivity.mp3]

…that no one was there for me when I needed them. Come on, you *should* know me by now, I don’t ask for indirect help. I hint it very indirectly. Eg: “So what do you want to do now, that we’re done dinner?” or “You feel like something bubbly?”

Ah, it sucks really. The two people that really understood me are not here anymore. One turned into a petty, ill-tempered blamer of the entire universe and the other just got married and lives far away. So I’m stuck here with some pretty fantastic friends, but they don’t quite understand me on that same level that Jonathan and Albert did.

For example, there was a night, around midnight that Albert and I went to some apartment buildings next to Granville Island and we just stood there, both looking at the reflective water and he started a question, “Do you…” and I interrupted and said, “Yes.” I remembered he grinned and said, “I like how you and I just know things without saying much.” – something like that.

Or the times when I spent my evenings and early mornings with Jon, just walking around aimlessly or chill at my house, I would sit on my chair and he would lay on my bed, not talking and then he would say, “I know you have something you want to talk about. Out with it!”

These days, my friends over here have their own issues and are not readily available. At the same time, they aren’t available regardless because their thought processes are on a different plane than mine. For example, I would be standing somewhere and looking at something and I might have a grin on my face, but they would be completely clueless what I’m thinking about.

[sigh]

Indeed, I do think back on the good days I’ve had with Albert, but it really just sucks how everything turned out. At least we didn’t forfeit our friendship due to the misinterpretation of some freakin girl. [laughs] At least, that is the highlight of our end.

So since we departed from each other, I had been dealing my issues on my own terms. It’s not difficult. It’s just daunting.

I know Patrick and even Laura tries to do things like joke around, humor me and play along with me and add their tid bits here and there and that’s awesome. They’re awesome. They are, so don’t ever think otherwise. However, I need someone right now and no one is there for me. No one. Zero. Zilch. Nadda. Ling. Void.

I’m not a talker when I need someone. I am a refuge taker.

For example, Albert and I used to drive around, listening to CD’s I made for him or CD’s that he made coinciding a period in his life. We would drive around in his Prelude and he’ll tell me his thoughts and feelings. Then we’ll park somewhere and just enjoy the ambiance. Listening to him talk those years ago, was inspiring. It was actually, possibly coincidentally that after he and Jenny became more serious, that it all became so damn different. He was always anal, but man, there were so much shit after they got together.

Anyway, or Jon… These days, who in my group of friends here would go sit out at the playground with me and swing on the swings while we talk about Quasars and black holes? I loved those stories Jon told me.

I ride hard these days. I sprint above 40km/hr for an amateur like me, sometimes reaching close to 50km/hr. I induce emotional suffering and that in turn, drives me to ride hard. I think the coolest time ever, was when I was riding around 49km/hr beside a car that was going about the same speed. The passenger gave me a thumbs up.

Some of you, like Michelle may have at least at one point wonder why I am so unresponsive and taking so damn long with my hand written letters. I am more reactive than active. Towards others, I am reactive. For myself, I am active. If my friends seek me out for advice, opinion, a sounding board, etc, I will react accordingly. However, no one reacts to me, so I have to take the initiative and action for myself.

Now before Pat goes off into a potential 12 comment tangent, I am not blaming anyone for not being able to be there for me. In fact, I’m typing out all of this in a state of equanimity. I recognize domino effects, chain reactions, connections, layerings, etc. I am here today, because of a myriad of circumstances.

That’s pretty much it.

However, there is one thing I seriously despise is when someone gives their word and back it up with “Trust me” and/or “I will never…” Because when you do break that, I remember it and I will remember it forever and it always use that as a referencing point to everything you do in the future. That’s why you will very rarely hear or see me say “I promise” or “trust me” or “I will never…” – unless I knew I could follow through with it. When I break something I’ve said, I get into a state of massive upset and think about it a lot, coupled with how I may not break it again. I hate words, even though I am a prolific writer, as I align with action much more. I just hate waiting. As my earlier conversation with Laura, “I despise waiting to hear back from someone.” It simply and utterly stresses me out – within context of immediacy of course.

This damn sake is NOT making me buzz! I blame the massive sushi I had with Jason L and Patrick!

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Patrick
Patrick
2010-03-18 1:40 pm

Yeah, you pretty much nailed it on the head regarding your other friends having issues of their own and are not readily available. We’re wired so differently, you and I. There are so many things that we don’t know about each other but there are things that are best left unsaid. Does life have to be so difficult? I feel so ashamed when I think that I actually have it pretty good compared to others in the world. I’m so lucky. Why don’t I recognize that? I know you feel like you’re “stuck” right now. Are you optimistic that your… Read more »

Patrick
Patrick
2010-03-18 1:42 pm

Oh and I understand that we probably talked about those things I mentioned above already but I have ADD. =P

Leeman
Leeman
2010-03-18 2:10 pm

As I read your second comment ending “I have ADD”, my colleague walked around the corner and tripped over the heater. Combined with “I have ADD” and him tripping, I chuckled and snorted a piece of my ham. It was great. My mom asked me the same thing you asked: “Are you optimistic…?” My answer was and still am, “I neither am or not. I am just going through each week doing what I need to do. Optimism are for those who are following their dreams. I am following my responsibilities.” The things stopping me from whatever I really want… Read more »

Leeman
Leeman
2010-03-18 2:23 pm

As for the selfish part, as many of you know, I work at an optical manufacturing company who pays me ‘little’, but the pay is better than the average in Canada and I mainly work my own hours. I also do freelancing and have odd jobs here and there. I am selfish about this because I want to have control over when and how much I work. This gives me a certain amount of freedom to do what I want. My boss is a nice lady and I try not to take advantage of that. At the same time, I… Read more »

Leeman
Leeman
2010-03-18 2:32 pm

It’s not easy sometimes because I miss the affection of a special lady ‘friend’. In my more youthful days, I was allowed those opportunities and I’ve had my share of giving and receiving affection. After going through those experiences and after not being in any more-stable intimate relationships for four years, it gets to me. Not every day, but it does get to me every now and then. As some may also know, I absolutely believe that as I age, the window of opportunity gets more narrow. This is not because there are less suitable people for me out there.… Read more »

Leeman
Leeman
2010-03-18 2:35 pm

So what do I have to look forward to?

Just the occasional hike, bike, camping, pub sitting and BBQ with my friends. The occasional email, MSN and phone call from you guys/girls. The occasional family gathering (which of course, includes all of you). Anime, computer games, get togethers over Cranium, sleep overs, your dad and his fine wines and cheeky jokes, etc. Getting a bit more fitter. Having the opportunity to connect with one or two people over the net. Look adoringly at cats and kittens doing their own things. Stuff like that.

Leeman
Leeman
2010-03-18 2:39 pm

I also look forward to the day that you have your life sorted out, that you can connect with your parents on a mom/dad and son level, that Dinger can rid his internal anger and rage and get his humanitarian dreams going, that Jon gets to build his own astro-observatory in his backyard, that my brother can finally introduce Julian to my dad and my mom and have them accept him, etc, etc, etc, etc. I also look forward to a day that my mom is free from the tyranny of her supervisor at Mustang. The years of emotional abuse…… Read more »

Fong Pei
Fong Pei
2010-03-24 8:18 pm

You should build a life-sized model of me, put it in your room and every now and then, I’ll record my side of the conversation on a CD or cassette tape and send it to you. Then when you need to, put the tape in the tape player, and voila, its like I’m there, minus the farting and gaseous goodness.

Leeman
Leeman
2010-03-24 9:23 pm

I shall! Actually, you bring up something very cool. This August, I’m going to take a super high res pic of you. ^_^