A couple of days ago, I password protected Leemanism after having published six entries, because there was one major niggling issue I had with Pascale relating to the openness of my thoughts here. I don’t care too much about my other friends reading my blog, because they have all been pretty consistent in how they react. Pascale on the other hand, since her responsibilities tripled with family life, work, and hobbies, her reaction to some of the things I’ve said have been quite negative. Especially things coinciding her personal decisions. If she asked me for my opinion, I am often hesitant because most of the time, she took them as personal attacks. To rescue myself from her sharp claws and jagged teeth, I often have to remind her that I am answering her inquiries, that none of this is a personal attack, that all of this is to answer the question, “Some other people said X to me. Do you think I really come off as being X?”
Anyway, yesterday, I spent half an hour recording a vlog talking specifically about this conundrum I had with my blog being open and honest, while fearing the wrath of Pascale’s potential negative feelings being triggered by what I might have to say about her. Nothing I’ve blogged about in the past and present versions of this blog were negative towards her. Sometimes, I may mention a particular thing she did or had said that made me feel bad, but that’s about as far as I’ve gone.
Regardless, after recording my video segments, I realized that I was still stuck with the problem. I didn’t feel good that my blog is vulnerable towards one person. I also didn’t feel good that it’s all based on one person. I could easily not have blogged about Pascale ever, but at the same time, I felt if I did that, I wouldn’t have been true to myself. I would be lying to myself that Leemanism is about me and those close to me. It would literally feel like I am pretending that a part of me didn’t exist, or rather, existed, but I couldn’t talk about it.
So I very abruptly put down my camera, my mic, and turned off my ring light, then called Pascale. We spoke briefly and I told her my thoughts. She responded in her soft tired womanly voice and basically told me to be me. Aww, she actually made me feel good about myself.
With that said, thanks to Pascale, she indirectly gave me extra insight in how I should express my thoughts. It was accidental, but still noteworthy. Basically, publish my thoughts, but not be as harsh as I used to be – try to end with a positive or at least a neutral one. This made me revisit my other blog entries and re-typed most of them, without diminishing their core messages.