This was originally posted on April 22nd, 2021 @ 5:52am, but was never published.
Earlier yesterday, I changed the wallpaper of one of my monitors to what Amber considered the ugliest photo of her. Throughout the day, she asked why I would have ‘that’ on my monitor, why I couldn’t use a better picture. I gave her whimsical responses along the lines, “You’re cute! I like that picture!”
The real reason I put that particular picture up is because she looked broken and sad. That picture wasn’t intended to be that way. It’s a part of a sequence of photos where she was having a laugh, due to a failed attempt at trying to peel off black facial mask. She squished her face together with her hands with a silly expression. However, every time I see that picture, I look right into her eyes and I feel my heart break. Yesterday morning, I came upon the picture again, when I was searching through my photo albums for a featured image for a previous blog entry. I decided to put that picture up as a wallpaper for one of my monitors.
“Straight to the Stars” by ATB featuring Sean Ryan
Through her own blog, Amber told me that her depression has gotten worst over the last few months. I noticed that she would cry more often in her sleep and she would cry more often when she wakes up.
A series of things happened two and three days ago when I was doing my own thing. One thing lead to another and I briefly looked up people with mental illnesses. Then yesterday, I briefly mentioned it to Amber that she should seek therapy. She’s not opposed to it, but it cost money here in Canada. She will also have to take unpaid time off to see a therapist, unless it’s before or after work. It’s a mess here, even though we’re more progressive than the USA.
I gave her a lot of shit over the last ten years, starting in September 2010, when she experienced my first temper tantrum. My trigger points were more frequent back then, slowly lessened over the years. However, the temper itself has gotten way worst when I do get triggered. Instead of merely going nova, I go supernova and I can’t control myself. I don’t abuse her physically, and I primarily limit my words to anger-filled hard logic, it has gotten so bad that sometimes, I deliberately say really bad shit. She doesn’t react as badly as she used to. She has gradually toughened herself up over the years. This conditioning wasn’t the sole result from hearing and dealing with my shit throughout these years. This conditioning is partially due to me teaching her in our calm days, to stand up for herself, even against me, especially when I am unreasonable, because I know. I know what I am capable of. There are two sides to me. The dual personality on the surface and then the dual inner voices I have on the inside. One external personality is the silly version of me, where I am easy to get along with, that I let a lot of things go, and just keep everything peaceful. Then there is the lonely, colder side of me where I spend the majority of my time in meditation. One of my inner voices is represented by a fortress, where its walls are miles-thick, guarded by heavily armoured elite guards that protect and execute my principles. The second inner voice is the king whose powers has been locked and whose body has been corrupted. He is imprisoned at the centre of this fortress. Occasionally, his screams can be heard. When his emotions rage and goes nova, his corruption temporarily expands and seeps into everything outside of that fortress, causing a tsunami of toxicity, abuse, and self harm. However, the guards has been conditioned to fight this terror back and they always manage to fight it back.
I taught Amber to protect herself, to show her what she needs to do in case of an emergency, to motivate her to open her own savings account, to pay off her own debts, to make sure she can take care of herself if ever that corruption cannot be held back. You see, Amber is haunted perhaps forever, by the evil of her abuser, but she is not evil herself. On the other hand, I can feel evil deep inside of me. It’s vague and it’s not even a spark. However, it’s there and I can feel it constantly. It feels like a glob of nearly dried blood at the back of my throat, after a long noise bleed.
It is through the sheer willpower and the generosity of love Amber has gifted to me, that I am allowed to vent out that corruption as it has done so, and at the same time, allowed me to create an antitoxin to stop its pollution.
This song from ATB, sang by Sean Ryan, reminds me of that night at around 2am on the southern Dyke Road in Richmond, back in 2001 or 2002, where I stood in the middle of the road and looked up at the distant stars. There were clouds far above me and there were layers of them floating, overlapping each other. Then a window opened up and I saw some vague stars. Then I saw what looked like five cloud trails, slightly apart from each other, moving slowly in one direction. My heart calmed and I smiled a little. I whispered, “It’s not my time to go home yet.” Then I took a deep breath, looked away while still standing there in the darkness, and walked back to my car.
Straight to the stars where I’m home
Fading the farther I go
I sail it all alone
And it’s the only way
I will never forget that. I will never forget what I saw and what I felt.
It’s not my time to go home yet. I look at Amber now and I have streams of tears running down my face like a faucet. It’s slightly acidic and it has gotten all over the collar of my shirt. Tonight is the only night in years that I drank a glass of alcohol to complement the mood of this blog post. It’s a white wine called Gewürztraminer.
I need to remind myself that she doesn’t deserve further pain from me. I need to love and cherish her. I want to love and cherish her. I hope she doesn’t bounce around these days in giggles and kisses, to hide her pain. I enjoy her giggles and kisses, but I fear that it’s there to hide her anguish, like Robin Williams.
My marriage vows, from 2013, as they should be even today…
I Leeman take thee, Anne, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, to love and cherish, from this day forward until death do us part. With this ring, I thee wed.