For awhile, I have been wrestling with dozens of thoughts. For awhile, I have been struggling to find the willpower to load up Leemanism.com to post up those thoughts, because there is a large part of me that doesn’t feel like doing it. Just now though, I suddenly received a large dose of motivation.
I was reading an answer by Sarah Myslis to a question titled, “What were the children taught about WWII, as it was happening in Germany?” While I was reading her long answer, a segment of the album “Rest Time” I was listening to started playing. Specifically, this one:
At 13:55, where this video should start is the song “Cranes” by Joachim Heinrich.
So before I lose this motivation, I want to say that Leemanism isn’t what it used to be and I wish it became more. After losing my friendship with Albert back in 2009, things were just not quite the same again. I don’t regret the things I did, but perhaps, I could have done things differently. However, I don’t want to get into this again. Instead, I want to talk about the thoughts I’ve been having.
Firstly, I was about to restart another blog I have been keeping on and off. It’s my ‘anonymous’ blog, where I post up thoughts about the people in my life, including my own thoughts, that would put too much personal condemnation on me. I don’t like doing it, because I want to stay true and open to myself and to others. However, I realized that in my older years, when I talk about myself, I also talk about other people close to me or potentially could get close to me. So I must do my utmost to protect them, while protecting my identity. Association causes all sorts of problems and unfortunately, that’s just how most of society works. Correlation = causation. I personally don’t believe it, but even if that blog is about me and my feelings, it ultimately does affect other people I care enough about. I don’t want them to suffer by misinterpretation and misunderstanding from their loved ones, their family members and their other friends. So I carried those burdens externally, through fake names and locations.
However, I did say “I was”. I decided against it while I was typing up the last few paragraphs of this long-ass post. If there are things to be said, I will do so to protect those thing regardless. I will just do it in a way that doesn’t look so obvious who it is.
Secondly, I do have tons of things I want to post on Leemanism and I thought I could spend two or three days to do that while I was in Germany, but even though I did spend a few days doing absolutely nothing in Germany, I prefer to rest, drink tea and beer, play Nintendo Switch with my nieces, than to load up a computer. Not using a computer for over two weeks was amazing. I did everything I needed to do through WiFi on my phone and most of it was for Instagram. I communicated with Boutheina and Agata through there.
Thirdly, I did something I wouldn’t have done since I got married in 2013. I told a friend I have a massive crush on her. Of course, I also assured her that it’s a friendly crush. Wifey wasn’t amused when I briefly mentioned it, but this is for a different post I would explain in detail later for context.
Fourthly, my trip to Germany was full of clarity. Traveling back to Germany for my 3rd trip there was fantastic, but much more than that, I did so with my wife Amber. It was a nice feeling and Amber mentioned it a few times during our first week there. She was excited that we were together and not going to part ways like the other two times I was there. My trip in Germany was positive in the sense that I wasn’t rushed. I felt relaxed 90% of the time. It was a very casual period. Our experience going there have taught us what to bring and what not to bring for our next trip back. We’re hoping to go back there in two years, but max, at three years. That next time, perhaps, I can take a train to Berlin and see Agata? Again, wifey wasn’t too amused when I brought that up either, but being as ‘big of a woman’ she wanted to be, she tried her best to accept that I just need my own bits of life with the people I adore hanging out with. She knew this even before we got married, before we were a couple. It’s not like I’m going to Berlin to fuck Agata. That’s just ridiculous. I can assure you that the only people in the entire universe who would find my irresistibly attractive at this point in my life, is my wife, Pepper and maybe, Erica, but who knows? Maybe the years have gloomed Pepper’s and Erica’s lust over me. ;)
Fifthly, the word “fifthly” looks like “filthy” ^_^. During my trip in Germany, I only had one day out of the entirety of my trip where my lower-right abdominal pain came back. Besides the flight home, most of the other days were good to me. I surmise it had to do with the fact I stood up more than sat down. I wonder if sitting down is causing a nerve problem.
Sixth, often times, I want to reconnect with friends I’ve stopped continuous contact with. Sometimes, I just want to reach out and tell them how much I appreciate their friendship with me. However, whenever I get those moments, it usually happens when I am in bed at night, or I am walking around outside with the doggy, or I am waiting around somewhere. By the time I get home, I no longer have that thought to do anything and by the time I remember again, the cycle repeats. It would certainly help, if my friends actually consistently stayed in touch with me. However, it seems that some of them only call me up when they need something specific from me.
The other day, I mentioned to Amber, that it seems that either we or I are always the ones who seem to have to initiate all of the contacting. “Why is that?” was my rhetorical question. Amber responded casually, it must mean that people just simply don’t care enough about her, me or us.
What I am trying to say is that only about a third of my friends really know and accept that I am a hermit. It’s not just a choice. It’s a condition. However, I would like to further say, with some irritation, that it was I who used to drive around all over the place to pick people up, drive them back home, drive them around, so on and so forth. It was I who went to see them. So it does annoy me when they say they have tried, but in the process of ‘trying’, they’re not really trying. Indeed, it’s not like they haven’t done anything and it’s not like this is an absolute major problem, but this does irritate me.
Seventh, I want to tell people who read my blog, that while it is noble, socially, that one man or one woman decide to love their partner, to cherish that partner, to be with that one partner for their entire lives, it is not ignoble to love, cherish and want to be with more than one partner for their entire lives. It is through the sheer unmovable authority of common society, that most of us have to live our lives with this belief to only be with one partner. I am not of this mind. I am capable of loving and cherishing more than one person. I know factually, my wife does not share this same belief as I do. I do not expect her to change to accept that sort of lifestyle. I made a vow to honour her beliefs, even if they ultimately clash with mine, because I want to be the foundation for her to build herself into a better woman. I want to be the man that would help take her places. Even if that means sacrificing my lifestyle needs to be with her. We have spoken about this before, on a few occasions. While I would love for her to embrace this lifestyle with me, ultimately, I can only do so, if she is ready for it. I surmise though, she would never be ready. I will talk about this in detail in a future post for context.
Eighth, I don’t know why Jon Tsang has become super distant with me. I have friends like Patrick, Tom, Benny and Laura who I don’t talk to for months, sometimes years and when we speak with each other again, we just pick up when we last left off. It was the same with Jon for the longest time, but something happened after 2011. He just gave up.
The sad thing about this is that when he stopped responding to my emails, my text messages and even behaved distantly when I ran into him in person a couple of times, I reflected back on a moment when we were teenagers. He had a best friend who traveled from Kamloops, where Jon originated from, all the way to Richmond to see him. We all hung out briefly and I noticed they were a bit awkward towards each other. Like Jon and his best friend were not clicking anymore. Jon was friendly and it seemed like he was trying to continue that connection, but in the process of ‘trying’, it seemed like he was also in the process of giving up. So when Jon started to give up on my friendship with him, it constantly reminded me of his former best friend.
For example, prior to my trip to Germany for my wedding, I asked Jon if I could borrow some money. He rejected the notion and to sooth things out on my end, I thought of the most considerate reason why he couldn’t do it. He responded it was a myriad of things, but while I had no negative feelings towards his rejection. I did sigh a bit. Of all of the people I thought would lend me money, only two people did and they were honestly, the two people I didn’t think could lend me the money. One of them was on the brink of losing his job. The other was near retiring. This was in 2013.
Again, going back to driving people around and stuff, I have lent money numerous times, covered for people numerous times and they know that I can pay them back. After we sold the townhouse in 2017, I paid one of them back the $2,000 he lent me, including an addition of $300 just because I wanted to. For the other guy, I will pay him back in the future somehow. It’s not so much the matter of the amount, but the matter of how to give him the money, since unfortunately, we’re no longer friends since 2017, due to some other unrelated reason.
Ninth, Boutheina has a very adorable voice and she looks so cute. I would very much like to have a poster of her dressed up as a fuzzy cat, making a pawing gesture near her face. Actually, maybe get plush toys made of her like a fuzzy cat. =^o^=
Tenth, I wish Pepper was still living in Vancouver. If not, then at the very least, on-the-grid. Sometimes, I need a friend I can connect with mentally intimately. She’s like the tangible-mental connection version of Albert. Albert, when we were still friends, was like the intangible-mental connection we had. Not sure how to explain it otherwise. My connection with Albert was more about just knowing about things before we speak about them, up until the last year of our friendship. For Pepper, our connection was mostly conversation and gestures, but it’s as though our words to each other are super fluid. Make sense? Pepper lives off-grid in northern Saskatchewan somewhere with her partner.
So I do have tons more, but I think these ten thoughts are enough for now. As I stated, I will post up two more entries in the future. One about my polyamorous lifestyle ideas and one about my friendly crush on Agata. However, before either of them, I want to publish one about my wife, in case the obvious isn’t that obvious. Yes, I understand it is a disclaimer, a prelude to the two posts I am going to do to help calm some evil glares from the wifey. ^_^ ♥