Flaked Out

Three and a half hours after I published my previous post titled Full Circle, Lisa messaged me that she won’t be able to make it later in the day. She apologized and I told her it was okay, especially if she had more important things to do. From the tone of her message, it seemed like it wasn’t an emergency she cancelled our rendezvous. Perhaps the fuck buddy who didn’t get back to her, finally got back to her and they spent the day fucking?

Regardless, I spent my day doing what I usually do anyway. I considered calling Patrick to see if he would hang out, but I didn’t get much sleep, so I decided to take a nap instead. If only Pat could stay a few days longer, then I could invite him over for chatter, chess, and shrimp chips.

Oh, since I told Amber that Lisa wasn’t coming today, some hours into her work, Amber sent me this photo…

I responded with the following emoji: 😲

I could tell she went to T&T and most likely got me a bag of shrimp chips!!! Lisa was supposed to bring a bag of that for our meeting. Perhaps Amber felt I felt dejected and wanted to cheer me up. I didn’t need cheering up, but appreciate the gesture regardless. This is what love is like folks. ^_^ ♥

As for Lisa, as I mentioned previously, it’s a real shame, but perhaps from all of the little things I’ve noticed about her, it’s better she pursue her own desires, no matter how contradictory they seem on the surface. I am a pretty open book, regardless of the betrayals that were thrusted upon me in the past, the hurt, the stress, and the trauma. I was able to get pass a lot of the bullshit, but I understand a lot of people don’t and can’t. However, even though I recognize this, I have a difficult time connecting with people who are closed-off in a way that make it seem like they’re trying to be mysterious, or coincidentally be mysterious. I don’t mind mysterious people, but it feels like Lisa is being artificially mysterious. While she might not realize this, but her short-worded responses to me combined with the way she asks certain questions, brings me back to my late teens to mid 20’s. It reminds me of the little games I played with women that I wanted, and annoyingly, they worked with the women I was interested in. Today, I wouldn’t play such stupid games, but I can see the fun in that. Then again, I’ve had way more intimate and romantic encounters than Lisa over the years. I’ve also gone through a gradual evolution over the last two decades. So while I recognize the fun in these games, I am also very turned off by them. I prefer my intimate interests to be straightforward, honest, and blunt. A little amusement on the side is fine, but that’s something else isn’t it? To pretend that this sort of ‘fun’ is still acceptable at our 40+ years of age, is immature.

I am not saying this is what Lisa is doing. I am saying her behaviour so far, is a lot like this, but I don’t know her full story. I don’t know why she cancelled on me this morning. I don’t know much about her, except the things she had told me in voice chat. For example, if Laura cancels a meeting with me, the tone of her message, even if it lacks details, will tell me all I need to know. In the past, in the rare instances, Laura would cancel due to a family issue. If her schedule with me clashed with something else she could do that day, she would ask if I can reschedule, or reschedule the other things.

Let’s say just that what she has been doing and not doing in the last three weeks, has given me another realization just how much I appreciate my relationship with Laura and Patrick. While at times, we bonk heads, at least we bonk heads through misunderstanding, and not through the lack of information. Laura and Pat talk and talk and talk and talk and listen and translate and then respond, ping pong, ping pong, etc. With Lisa, it’s just me asking a bunch of questions, and her computing and analyzing, waiting until we meet up to talk about anything, maybe. Sure, I enjoy talking in person, but why the secrecy? Why the mysteriousness?

Indeed, she has mentioned she doesn’t want to be analyzed by people, with the knowledge they have of her, but truly, that isn’t something that can be avoided. People always have their view points on other people and things. Whether they keep to themselves or otherwise, is a different thing. If you want to be secretive and not share yourself, on the fear that you might get betrayed again, or judged, then go live in the woods away from people, or worst, become a fake person hiding behind a mask of mystery. I don’t like that at all.

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