Full Circle

I reconnected with Lisa a bit over 3 weeks ago on Facebook Messenger. I saw her photo show up, even though her Facebook page wasn’t accessible. So I thought perhaps she blocked me or something. However, she did respond and in her short-spokenness, I thought she was likely not interested in speaking with me. However, one thing lead to another and we spoke further on Whatsapp and twice, over voice chat. She still has her sexy feminine voice, like she had when we were in our senior high school years.

Note, I am omitting a lot of information here. So you’ll just have to read this blog post without any context and imagine what the context might be, based on how I have worded this post.

With that out of the way, during our back and forth, I propositioned a friendship with benefits relationship with her. She rejected me on one single premise: she doesn’t want to share.

As some of you know, I am in an open marriage. Since Lisa had told me she doesn’t see herself getting into another committed relationship, I figured she would be willing to have a friends with benefits relationship with me. On one hand, we can hang out and chat. On the other hand, we can engage in naughty delicious fun. This way, she’ll have a great friend to confide with, and relieve stress on the side, while enjoy some intimate cuddles too.

Since she didn’t want to share, which made no sense to me, since she didn’t want a committed relationship, yet would still be willing to have friends with benefits with another guy that basically fucked her and then dumped her, then why wouldn’t she want a friends and benefits relationship with me, who will certainly not fuck and dump? You see what I mean? It’s contradictory behaviour.

However, after some further back and forth with that, I accepted that the opportunity to engage in a lovely FWB relationship with her is pretty much next to nothing. I have to say, it’s truly a shame and very disappointing. I thought, perhaps I finally found a friend again, I can trust and adore at the same time. It has been a long time since I had a good solid FWB and now that our marriage is opened, I felt the timing was perfect when Lisa popped into my life again.

Regardless, the following was what was ultimately conversed between us. Either I try to push my desire for a FWB and possibly lose her forever, or build up a solid friendship where she can confide in me. While in the limited time I have reconnected with her, I found odd social nuisances from her, at the end of the day, I remind myself that not everyone can be as straightforward and open as I am. I have experienced betrayal before, but that hasn’t stopped me from evolving my character and fine-tuning my perceptive abilities.

Lisa will be coming over later today. Previously, I told her I wanted to see her dolled up and whether she has black shiny high heels she can wear over here. She told me she has high heels, but not black shiny ones. I asked if she would be interested in trying on two pairs of high heels that Amber can’t fit into. At the time, with the way she responded, it seemed she was willing, but gave no definite answer. Earlier yesterday, I asked if she would still be interested and she say she doesn’t know.

This honestly mind boggled me. How could she not know? I already promised I wouldn’t make any sexual advances. If she wears them, I would ask to take some pictures for personal use, but I am not going to make any moves on her, unless she beckons me so. If she doesn’t wear them, then I’ll just put them away. It feels like she doesn’t know, because she’s testing the waters when she sees me. These are some of my ideas:

  • She wants to look like she is sitting on the fence, because she fears if she says no, I will get upset. Actually, I won’t. I’m not petty. If it makes her feel uncomfortable, then of course, I will respect her desire not to wear something sexy for me. Amber thinks that Lisa already made up her mind to say no. I think this is the more likely reason.
  • She is more willing to wear them for me, if I am attractive as a prospect. Me being attractive personality-wise and looks-wise, is motivational on her part. If I am not attractive, she would be a lot less inclined not to do something sexy for me. I think this is the less likely reason.

Regardless, as much as I want to engage intimately with Lisa, my first priority when she comes over, as to show her my sincerity to become a better friend. I am not going to mention the high heels. I’ll just leave them out, but off to the side. If she brings it up, then I’ll ask. If she doesn’t, then I will assume that she doesn’t want to. Though, if the opportunity arises, I will hug and/or kiss her.

She’s supposed to be bringing shrimp chips. One of my favourite snacks! I’ll be serving alcohol, tea, and coffee. She can also smoke up weed if she likes. I hope Lisa will open up to me. My patience for rekindling old relationships are a lot better than with new relationships, but even then, my tolerance level is quite low. Hopefully I will have the capacity to show patience and tolerance to her sensitivities. This is a real test of my character as an individual, and as a friend.

If anyone is wondering, Lisa was my girlfriend in my grade 11 year. She was a grade lower than me. I treated her poorly and I was an asshole because I was immature and stupid. This behaviour branched off into my relationship with Virginia some years later. Both of these girls really liked me and I fucked up greatly. Now, over 20 years later, at least I still have a chance with Lisa, even a platonic one. So unless Lisa is an indecent person, I would like to rebuild a relationship with her. If only she lived a bit closer. I have a very strange phobia driving southwards from the city I live in. Alas, that’s for a different blog post.

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