Gosh Dagnabbit


[“Rhodetry Salvage” by Url]

Lack of audio players lately? Too lazy to upload the songs.

So what was that last entry I deleted about? Well, it was my disturbing thoughts in raw format. I decided to delete it as it was really really raw. So raw, that you could have tasted the blood and fat from it.

The entry was about my stalker from high school who have been keeping in touch with me since over a decade ago. It’s just that in the last few years, we rarely talk to each other. I say she calls me once every three to seven months on average. However, since New Years’ Eve, she’s called me a total of 4 times. The first time was to wish me happy new year. The second time was her balling her eyes out because of some dude who broke her heart, after she gave him sex AFTER only knowing him for one week and somehow falling in love with him. The third time was to chat about random stuff, and the last time was Thursday morning when she wanted to see me.

I made every effort to try to get myself out of it. Alas, I was in a rush to get work done and my mind was a bit messed up. I couldn’t move myself out of it, and so I told her to meet me back at the Community Centre back at our old high school.

You see, this is the girl who stalked me in grade 11, sent countless notes, letters, and plushed toys with hearts that said “I love you”, as well as driving passed my house on a very short driveway back when I lived in a townhouse co-op, and called me up saying stuff like “I just drove pass your house. Can you see me?”

I mean, how friggin freaky was that?!?!?

[“Afternoon Coffin Break” by Url]

So I met up with her at the CC for the first time since year 1999, sat down on a bench inside away from the cold wind outside – though if it was any worst, I would have considered walking out then sitting in with her. We sat there, talked about stuff for about 40 minutes when she asked me if I would be interested in meeting her Caucasian cousin Marie. I said “Caucasian” because my stalker friend whom I will call Lisa – first name, is a Vietnamese female.

I told her that I am indifferent in wanting to meet Marie or not and she told me that I should because her cousin thinks I’m cute. I raised my eyebrow and thought it was too suspicious. She continued by asking me if I would be interested in dating her and of course, I said no. Her continuous pestering of the “why’s” and “why not’s” was overbearing, so I finally asked, “You really want me to meet Marie? What purpose would that serve you?”

She tried to make me understand that Marie has been wanting to meet me since the early millenia of so and so reasons. Aside from that, our conversation eventually ended up asking me, “Would you be interested in Vietnamese girls?” I replied, “Does she have kids?”


You see, Lisa has two kids, is a year younger than me, and is Vietnamese…

She laughed and blushed and replied, “Maybe.”


Our conversation was retarded. She kept slapping my shoulders, so I moved to a table where she sat across from me. What really disturbed me was the way she looked at me. I mean, I have to admit, though physically, she doesn’t fit my tastes at all, the way she looks at me can be quite enticing. Fortunately for me though, her personality lacks in every aspect which turns me limp – understatement please.

I kept on saying, “I hope this is a joke. This is a joke right? You’re joking right?”

[“Octopus City” by Url]

Anyway, she asked me why I am not interested in dating her – yeah it got to that point, it might as well started with that point rather than beat around the damn football field a few times. [sigh] In short, I told her that she is like the cover of a book with barely a sketch of an image. The type of women I am attracted to has a story – whether that story is intricate and complex or simple and fun, or a combination of both. For me to actually go after an intimate relationship with a woman, I would have to have the desire to find out where her story came from, how she got her ideas, where those concepts originated, and what influences her. Then when we are together, we can together paint a cover for the book that once was each of ours, which will eventually merge and become one. As you can see, Lisa was just the cover of a book with barely a sketch and worst of all, she has no story, and please, don’t remind me that everyone has a story. Just bare with me.

At first, I tactfully explained that we were just not compatible, but that obviously wasn’t good enough for her. After getting rejected, she couldn’t stop smiling, possibly because she felt embarrassed. I was indifferent to whether she felt embarrassed or not, but I felt VERY uncomfortable having that conversation with her. It shouldn’t have happened and I don’t see how that could have happened after more than 10 years.

[“Translucent” by Url]

She’s the type of female who would put her all into an intimate relationship, which is good, BUT her character/personality is lacking very much. She is feminine, but she lacks charm and wit. She has goals in life and she works vigorously trying to achieve them, but she has no other hobbies or interests, and she has no aspirations aside from the generic concept of becoming rich one day. She has vague ideas about things which might be good for a simple minded person, but I require my companion, least of all, my friends/family to have some form of intelligence that exceeds basic algebra – that’s a partial metaphor.

Alternatively and in short, she’s just not my ideal woman. Not even a billion light years close. You would catch me having an intimate relationship with my sofa covers than to see her as my lover.


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Mystery girl
Mystery girl
14 years ago

Li, I can see that it was a bit disturbing that she wanted to start a relationship with you, but try not to let it upset you. Just feel flattered that she is interested in you and has been for such a long time. You must be a nice guy LoL

Although she stalked you in 11th grade, driving past your house etc. it doesn’t sound like she has done too many distubing things during the years post-school, if I understand your post correctly? Often, teenagers use bad judgement, because they are still immature and are still learning about how to deal with relationships. They don’t always know what it acceptable and what isn’t. Are you afraid that she will seriously start stalking you again?

You have done the right thing by being honest with her about not wanting a relationship with her. You were very clear and I am sure she got the message this time. Let us know how it goes?

By the way, I did not have to type in a password to access this entry. Just thought I would let you know!

14 years ago

I know what you mean Mystery Girl, but the most disturbing thing is that she is now a grown woman with two young kids. The thing that disturbs me is that she hasn’t learned anything in the last decade and a bit. She’s not more mentally refined. She’s not mature. She isn’t responsible enough. I mean, though she is studying to become a fashion designer, her goals and current actions dictate otherwise. She has no money, yet whatever money she has, she spends it on trivial things like perfume, jewelry. I can understand that at times, it’s nice to cheer yourself up with rewards, but when you’re a mommy of two young kids, with no money, wouldn’t the most prudent thing to do is to open up a savings account for their educational and medical welfare? If I am single father, that is what I would do at the very least.

Anyway, I’m not afraid of her too much towards me. I’m afraid of her unstable mentality to do stupid things – eg: kill herself, harming her kids, do something dumb like drugs, etc.

BTW, as for the password thing, to test it, try logging off and see if the password box appears. However, it might not need it because you previously logged into another password entry. Jon has to use the password, so it should work for all first timers.

14 years ago

and here I thought she was some HOTTIE McWOTTIE because of the “rating system” analysis done years ago :p

14 years ago

R U kidding me? You must have mixed up one of my other ones! GROSS!

Mystery girl
Mystery girl
14 years ago

Yes, I see that you are in a sticky situation! Try not to take the responsibility for her mental instability on your shoulders though – that would not be fiar. You have been open and honest and have done the right thing.

14 years ago

[sighs and smiles] Yes indeed. 8]

14 years ago

I’m going to be a git.

What if Mystery girl on here…………is your stalker!? =O


Sorry, just found the whole stalker – Mystery girl thing to good to pass up.

Li, it’s not your fault your so damn hot. It’s genetic man. Learn to live with your drop dead gorgeous-ness, and try not to let all the broken hearts in your wake, deter you in life.

14 years ago

Jeez. Not even a cruel barb or joke at my expence.

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