Last Kiss Goodbye

11:22am, March 25th

I was just over at her house about 25 minutes ago. Just came home.

I went over to her house around 6pm yesterday (Friday, 24th), sat and talked for a bit, molested/caressed her for a bit, then went to Flemming Elementary on the corner of 49th and Knight yesterday around 6:30pm. I watched her play vball for a bit, then her colleagues switched to floor hockey and she sat with me and talked about some dreams I had about her grandmother warning me to leave her. Then they had a game of basketball and some football throwing, then we all left to Elephant Walk Pub.

Afterwards, we went back to her place, and talked about stuff. We talked about my dreams about her grandmother visiting me, about what I want – to share my foundation experiences, my growth, the time when I started building my career, my life, etc, how I want to share that with someone special like her. I don’t want to find someone to be with when I am older because the meaning is so much less.

Anyway, after some talking and stuff, we ended up fucking like bunnies. Since I have a high stamina for long lasting sex, we started out regular missionary, then I slid her to the edge of her high bed, and banged her that way for about 30 minutes. She was ultra tight – excuse my vulgarity. She was ultra tight as usual. There has only been 2 or 3 times in our whole intimate experience together that she was looser, but even then she was a max 80% virgin. I always ‘made fun’ of her by calling her a 90% virgin. She seems to like that.

She was breathing hard, and squirming back and forth. She asked 4 times if she can ride me. That was awesome. I continued banging her in various speeds and hardness – thrusts, pumps, quick forehead rubs, abrupt stops and sudden bangs. It was great.

When she went on top of me, she rode me like crazy. Her boobs were bouncing up and down, hair flying back and forth, her face was squashed together while her mouth closed and open – she wanted to scream out so badly, but couldn’t as we were doing it in her room, and her mom was just in the living room about 20 feet away.

I placed my hands on either side of her hip, and helped her move even harder and faster. Her face became even more distorted, her body shook everywhere. She was cumming. She came hard. She came long. She kept riding me, and I kept moving her back and forth. The muscles in my biceps started pumping and getting larger and stiffer. She was cumming continuously, and then she stopped for a moment and rode me even harder. Now she was cumming for a second time, non stop. Her pussy drool just gushed out on the sides, streaming down my super hard cock, flowing generously down my balls, and on both sides of my thighs. She kept on saying, “Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh god!” And I kept on smiling and smirking, cuz I knew she was having really fucking great sex. It probably was going to be our last fuck, so I thought, let’s do this right, let’s do it good.

After her second orgasm prolonged for about a minute and a half, my head expanded and I exploded one massive shot right into her. Then I stopped as my biceps no longer had the strength to move her anymore. It looked as though she was going for a 3rd orgasm, and she was, but we were both tired, especially me. No matter, it was awesome, however, as usual, she wasn’t affectionate afterwards. She just sat on top of me, with my cock still inside of her, and she didn’t once kiss me, like she use to. I wanted her to so badly, but I knew that she won’t. Our relationship was over. It was over a long time ago…

A few minutes later, I heard her mom just outside her door, and we scrambled back onto her bed and covered ourselves up. We talked a bit, she took my hand, and rested her head on it. Then she moved it away and said, “This isn’t good for your arm, twisted like that.” Then she moved her head close to my shoulders and faced inward toward my chest, and we just layed there for a little bit, then I went to the bathroom with her. She took a shower, while I cleaned myself up.

She was all bubbly literally – bubbles and soap sudds were all over her body, and we talked about Dozer, Nelly, and Kevlar. Yeah, all her love interests since speed dating. Except Dozer who actually works with her at St. Lun’s hospital.

Well, in our bathroom conversation, Nelly seems to be the next likely lover within this month or two – opposed to what she said to me before.

I am sad, of course, but I stood there, and talked with her. We made fun of Dozer, and she told me a bit about Nelly. She seemed swooning with Nelly.

So why was I there? I wasn’t there for a last fuck. I was there because I wanted her to be with me. However, I am also not the type of person to exert my will upon a lover, let alone a former one. It’s her happiness. Yes, she made me extremely unhappy. She hurt me like I was worst than dirt. She even admitted to enjoying a little bit.

Anyway, we were going to watch CiC #5 or #12 Friday night after her shower, but I was way too sleepy. So she did some emails, and then went to bed with me. Before that, I asked her if I could sleep over, and she said she shouldn’t allow me to. She thought about it for a long time, but in the end, she said yes I could stay.

After we turned off the lights, I placed my right hand beside her, then she moved her left hand over mine, and grabbed it as if we were holding hands down a street – our usual. Then she suddenly stopped and moved her hand away. She was warm, and she was soft. I took a breath of her hair and neck and she giggled. A bit later, my back was aching, and I moved to the other side of the bed. At first, she didn’t want me to, thinking that I want to switch sides because I thought her back was aching from the crater in her bed, but I reassurred her that my back was fine, and I needed that other side.

We switched, and slept for a bit, then she noticed her hair was still moist, and I’m sure she suddenly thought about using it as an excuse, because she placed a pillow between our heads. For the rest of the night, we slept apart.

In the morning, she suddenly woke up and noticed this and I too woke up. She suddenly bursted out, “Oh my gosh! OH MY GOSH!” And pulled on her hair. My first expression was like “What the hell?” Then she continues, “I had a dream! A NIGHTMARE! That…”

Basically, she had a dream about Dozer. It was hilarious. Don’t quite remember what it was, but oh well. I remember laughing my head off at about 7 in the morning. She kept glaring at me playfully, and I kept laughing. It was just so damn funny. Then after awhile, we both fell back asleep again.

We again woke up around 9:45pm. We layed in bed for a bit and talked and stuff, and I fooled around with her. Then Nelly called and they talked while I kissed and caressed her back side. I moved my hands slowly around her sides and her lower back and squeezed her butts. I moved my lips down her back and her butts, kissing every square inch. She had absolutely no reaction so I stopped, disheartened. I layed on top of her backside, and overheard her conversation with Nelly. My heart shrank like a raisin, while the red drained from it. I finally heard his voice.

I got up, changed, took her keys, and left, but found a pen and a piece of paper, wrote a note of goodbye, went back to her room, placed it on her chest, brushed her hair away from her forehead, then gave her a kiss there. She was really into Nelly. I was both happy and very very very very sad in a hurting way.

As I left her door, locked it, went through her outer fence gate, and closed it, I looked at her door and then turned to face the road eastward. I remember a few days after our first kiss in December 2004, I was trying to look for her house, and forgot where Fraser Street was. I started from Knight Street on 26th, and drove all the way westward. I even laughed at myself when I finally reached her house. It was about 11pm or something like that. I looked down that street as I stood there at 11:15pm, amidst the cherry blossoms. My heart was slow and I was crying invisibly, but I stood my ground. I was the epitomy of strength. I felt angry that I allowed her to hurt me so badly, but I also felt proud that I stood my ground all the way through. I fought hard, to get her, but in the end, I lost her and I lost a lot of my dignity.

As I was about to walk away, I heard a flutter of wings. I turned around and saw a crow fly across from the left and perched itself at the peak of her house on the roof.

A little background story about that: DW always felt that the two crows that appeared at her house (shortly after the death of her grandmother) were the spirits of her grandfather and grandmother.

With that said, I saw her ‘grandmother’ on top of her house. She just stayed there as I looked up at her. I thought, “Is this right? To let her go? I fought, and fought, and fought, and in the end, she broke my heart an infinity of times over. Her heart is now with Nelly. Her heart was never with me. Is this what you wanted? Have you been warning me about this all this time?” I took a step back, then I whispered in Cantonese, “Good bye grandma.”

I left and drove back home.

As I was working on the first two paragraphs of this journal entry, DW called me. Eh? Yes, that’s what I thought, “Eh?”

She asked me if we were still going cycling. I was like, “WTF?!?!” Then I half-scolded her, “You are so stubborn. You remember when I tried to break up with you back in August – one week before we actually did break up? You completely ignored what I said, and asked me ‘So which movie do you want to go watch tonight?'” Then DW laughed, and said, “You are so much more stubborn!”

Anyway, she ended up coming here at 2pm. We talked, I scolded her for hurting me, I forced some of my demons to come out and I ended up hurting her a little bit. In our conversation before cycling at 5pm, she said the following to me:

– she admitted that she was testing my threshold back from February 2005 to April 2005
– she admitted that after we got back together, she continued to test my threshold
– after awhile, the test morphed into just spoiling her to treat me badly – she can get away with most of it
– she confessed that she liked hurting me a little bit
– she admitted that every time we broke up, a huge chunk of what she was working on (her more positive emotions/thoughts for me) would be taken away
– over the past 13 months (15 since we started) her feelings for me dwindled to nothing
– she admitted that if I had told her that it made me feel uncomfortable, she would haven’t been outrightly flirty with Nelly and Kevlar
– she told me that Nelly was able to make her laugh – which was a big thing for her

HOWEVER, what some of the thing she said here contradicts some of the things she said to me and did towards me in the last 13 months – more so in the last 6 months.

– she told me I always was able to make her laugh – she always laughed and had a great time with me – unless she faked all that
– I believe she would still have flirted with Nelly and Kevlar over emails, MSN, and seeing them in secret if I told her it made me feel uncomfortable
– I know her feelings dwindled to nothing, so nothing more about that
– she never once shed a tear for me, and continued to agree that she hurt me, but she did nothing to change herself, because she basically admitted that I less than her friends. She cared more about them than me. She cared about strangers more than me. She cared about dimsum more than me.

Why did she hate me so much? What did I ever do to her? If indeed someone were to hate, she deserves to be hated by me, and I do. I hate her because I loved her.

During cycling, we had a lot of laughs and I spanked her playfully while we were riding our bikes up #7 road. I remember that was an instance where I said to her in Cantonese, “Good girl” and she rides closer to me so I can pat her head. I laughed on that and she smiled. On our way back down #7, she told me Nelly said to her, “I am not a fighter. I am a lover.”

She and I laughed our heads off, and then I said, “Yes, you’re right DW, I am a fighter, unfortunately. Not that I would go to his house and punch his face in, as I have nothing against him and it’s just my emotions running wild, but as you can see, I fought for you all this time.” She acknowledge it and we continued riding and talking about Dozer.

Along the whole ride, I scared here and there about what I plan to do with Nelly and everyone who pursued after her. I told her, “Yes, I can be petty right now, and I’m sure it will hurt him like you hurt me multiplied by ten, but you know what? I won’t. I may have vengeance boiling in my heart against you, but pettiness isn’t my style.” I grinned then hard peddled in front of her, slowed down and continued riding.

Eventually, I told her on Viking Way stopped for a stretch near the Canada Dry plant, that I know I sound scary and I sound like I want to hurt you and your new love interest, but honestly, it’s my demons influencing me. I told her with my right hand on her left arm, “You know, I deeply care about you, and you know that hurting you is the last thing on my mind – well second to last. Yes, I hate you, but I love at the same time. Yes, I despise Nelly, and I hate the fact that you fell in love with him in such a short time, but what am I to do? Even if I am a God, and had the power to change your heart for me, I wouldn’t, because it would not be natural.” She was quiet the whole time, and I continued, “I want revenge, but that is my demons talking and trying to force my will to ‘their’ desires. However, as I have shown you in the past 13 months, I am a strong person with no desire to hurt you. Thus, I hope you and Nelly will work out. If Nelly ever hurts you, I will cut off his toes, shove two up his nostrils, tie the rest of his toes to the back of his car, then string his arms to his feet and step on the gas pedal, and let him fly off into some river or ocean. ”

She laughed but also glared at me in a scared looking way. I smiled and rubbed her shoulders, and continued our way. Moments after, I did a jerking off motion, and she said, “Uh! There are other people around!” I looked back and saw two guys at a parking lot, and then I laughed my head off and made another jerking motion towards DW and said, “Oh yeah! SUCK THIS!”

We rode across Bridgeport Road, and I was heading into the darkened path. DW meowed at me and said, “But it’s dark!” Then whimpered some more. I sighed and said, “Fine! Scared of the dark! We’ll go down Jacombs then!”

We reached my residence, and there were two bunnies on the grass near her car – a light brown one and a black & white one. DW moved up slowly to the light brown one, and bent over. I rested on her spare wheel and smiled. I thought, “DW look so cute. I see her for who she is and not what she does.”

Then we talked about Berri – she refers me as Berri’s daddy, and refers herself as Berri’s mommy. I like that. I really do. We both raised him, gave him his first bath (all of the baths actually), took him to get his nails trimmed for the first time – Berri was super scared that time. December 11th 2005 was when I went over to see Berri for the second time.

I believe that from mid October 2005 to early January 2006, DW’s positive emotions were the most sincere. I knew she was battling herself, but I felt her. I really did. She was mine a lot more than from February 2005 to September 2005. If when we first had our ‘fling-phase’ rated a 9 out of 10 in intimacy, care, and consideration, from October 2005 to January 2006, it rated at 6.5 out of 10. Yeah it wasn’t that great, but coinciding Feb 2005 to Sep 2005, it was much better. During that time, it rated to about 1/10. From mid January 2006 to now, our intimacy rated at about 2/10 on average with highs of 3/10 and lows of 1/10.

Sounds like weather temperature…

Anyway, after I asked her to try to go pat the brown bunny, both rabbits hopped away. I remember DW told me as she bent over, “Berri is much cuter!” Then she turned her head back to look at me, smiled, giggled and said, “It’s like we’re comparing our kid to these other kids.” I smiled back at her and she continued to watch the two bunnies. I continued to smile. I smiled because I knew I won’t have a lot of other chances to smile again.

After she loaded her bike back into her car, checked her text message from Nelly, and then went back to my place. We ate dinner my mom cooked for us, she washed our dishes, then made some horlicks. We went back up to my room, talked a bit, and texted Nelly again after he texted her. She gave me a back and butt rub for about 20 minutes, then Nelly called, but at the very least, she continued to give me a back rub while talking with him. Afterwards, she screamed and said that she forgot her wallet at home!

Nelly and a group of his friends were going to go bowling in Richmond with DW. We thought of a plan, etc, she decided to go home. DAMN IT! She was going to shower here too – I wanted her to shower here, so I can have more of her time. Alas, no, she packed, and as she opened the door, she just stopped there. I said, “What’s wrong?” She didn’t say anything, and it looked like she was either scared to go out, or waiting for something.

I finally went to give her a hug. Then my mind clicked back to late May 2005, when for the first time in my life with her thus far, I poured tears out of my eyes for an hour – hugging each other, consolng me, talking for one hour. This time, I started crying on her shoulders, and she hugged me tighter, and did I. I apologized for being an obstacle in her happiness this whole time. Then she apologized for hurting me. We continued hugging and she asked me, “We’re not going cycling next week are we?”

She didn’t say that out of selfishness. She was using ‘cycling’ to basically say, “We’re never going to see each other again are we?”

I laughed weakly and answered, “I don’t know, I don’t want to, but I am so weak against you.” Then she said, “I am weak against you too.”

I grabbed a tissue and wiped my tears, and she said in a playful way, “Your mom will see you were crying.” I told her, “Nah, she won’t know.” She gave me an ‘unbelieving’ look, then went downstairs.

I opened the door, and she walked out. At that one instance – right at 9:02pm, she did something to me, that she hasn’t done since mid February 2005. She walked out of my house door, turned around and gave me a kiss on my lips, then said bye, waved at me, and walked away. As she disappeared into the darkness, she turned and waved again, and I waved back too. Then I closed the door, and went upstairs.

I was sad, but most of all, I really miss her.

Then I got Albert’s text messages. Albert came to my house around 10:20pm. We talked until he left at 1:15am. He came with Jenny. We talked mainly about his problems.

Oops… Might as well… Albert is Dragon in the Sky… 🙂

Near the end of the night, we said something coinciding with DW. I don’t remember the exact words, but I smiled the whole night because of what Albert said. He said 100% EXACTLY my thoughts – what I’ve been trying to tell DW all this time…

I mentioned to Jenny, “I see DW for who she is and not what she does.” Jenny didn’t understand this, and Albert clarified it for her. Basically to make it short, Albert said that DW is the type of person who follow what trend tells her is acceptable. All of her friends believe that people should be a certain way, thus she should be that certain way. Her friends believe that having a boyfriend who follows suit with the rest of society, what is suitable and adorable to trend is more acceptable than a person who has a strong individual mind – someone who does not submit to trend, someone who has his own style and personality.

With similar things said above, I smiled broadly. Then I thank them both for coming here to be with me.

I told Jenny that DW said to me in the past and recent past, “When we’re together, it’s perfect, but when we’re apart, I can’t help but treat you like crap.” Along those lines… Jenny suddenly realized what me and Albert had been trying to say.

Albert also mentioned that it doesn’t matter if I tried to encourage DW to be herself, because she’s too old to change. She’s 29.

I was sad to realize that she is too old to change. Then again, she did say her positive emotions for me were nil, and she wasn’t willing to change for me, and instead willing to change only for Nelly.

Well, she treated me really badly. She even admitted she was and is immoral, dishonest, insincere, dishonorable, deceiving, playing with my emotions, and took advantage of my generosity. Albert told me, he hates her, he really hates her for hurting me so badly.

I guess I can justify my feelings and my thoughts that Nelly is dating a bitch and a slut. Well, she’s not exactly a slut, but she might as well be close to one. I bet if our relationship went on, she would have eventually cheated on me with Nelly. As with what she did when she was with Raymond, when she cheated on him with Grant – just because Grant had money and drove nice cars. What a superficial bitch.


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15 years ago

So what’s the game plan?

15 years ago

Did you read the rest of the entry? I added much more after the second paragraph… Reason was because as I mentioned, DW phoned me as I was typing this out, and she ended up coming here.

Game plan? Well, like I said, I am weak against her, even though Albert has made 100% logical reasons why she is a fucking bitch relating to Nelly, the type of person he is to be dating someone like her, etc, etc – unfortunately, I still have feelings for her. Yes, I have a lot of vengeance, and the petty demons are knocking on my door as I try to bar them in, but I’m controlling them. I want to hurt her back dearly, but at the same time, i want to keep my integrity – at the very least.

Honor holds very little value in today’s day and age, but for the very few, at the very least, I can rest a tiny bit better every night that the very few that take honor into heart are those close to me.

I questioned, “DW did not once shed a tear for me. She continued to allow her so-called friends that she admitted to not having an ideal relationship with (except for the Calgarian friends – they are pretty good people) to attack me and not defend me, and she basically allowed herself to treat me like crap, etc, etc, I was wondering, does she even feel ashamed? Embarrassed at the very least?!?!


15 years ago

Nope, didn’t read all of it. In fact, I was gonna post, “Is that what you call a POST?!” haha. Well, I never fail to get a dose of sex ed from ya 😉 hehehe. What can I say? I’m sure you don’t need to re-read all your journal entries to know that she’s treated/treats you like CRAP, and uses you only when it suits her fine. Selfish, really. I’m curious as to how she can sleep at night without feeling the least bit remorseful or upset as to how much heartache and grief she’s dished out to you.

It’s great that for the sake of your honor and integrity, you have kept back your ‘demons’ from lashing out and seeking vengeance. I think in that is the best thing to do that you will not regret in hindsight.

Revealing that you are 100% weak against her, I agree with DiTS that you should cease ANY contact with her. This is especially once you’ve resolved that there is no way to work out your relationship, then I think it’s the best course. You don’t want to have your wounds agitated any longer before it can finally rest up and heal. Heartbreaks suck, been there and done that, but you WILL conquer it. You will…

15 years ago

Yes, I have definitely been trying with much difficulty to not allow myself to see her. I promised my mom that I will not step foot beyond her gate.


You know what sucks so bad? Is that you live one street down from her – your house is exactly across from her’s – with one house and a road separating them. More often than not, I would take your road (27th) from Fraser, then turn right then turn right again onto 26th.

So many many memories of her, and that area. What a coincidence that I meet someone from totally different parties, and she just so happens to live pratically right next to you here in Vancouver.

You know what’s even funnier? Her new love interest Nelson Kwok was Cara’s first boyfriend. Remember Cara? That was Albert’s first girlfriend.

I hate to say this, but we live in such a small world.

Anyway, I will have to side with you and DitS. I have to try my best to forfeit her, not try to be her trainer, etc. I just have to do it.

Well, I’ll try to enter happier thoughts here at AMT from now on.

Thank you. 8]

BTW, you going to send me pictures of your HK trip? There are a few places you HAVE to visit – Lantau Island and the big Buddha, Ocean Park, Victoria Peak and the thousands of kite flyers… Actually, I’ll tell you more in email. 8]

15 years ago

Ok, no more picking me up at my place. Besides, when I’m back, I might not be living at home.

And the world keeps getting smaller. Man, next thing you know, you’ll find out Nelson’s sister was my arch-enemy in high school. Haha jk. That is too freaky.

And you don’t necessarily need to enter happy thoughts on AMT. No fluffy air bunnies! That’s what makes your site so interesting. Raw, uncut and straight from the heart material.

As per HK, I’m leaving this Friday and I’ll definitely send you pictures once I have them. 🙂

15 years ago

Yeah, damn… I was going through an emotional break-down this early morning and sent out a massive email to everyone. I was so down, so hurting, so damn frustrated. No words to describe my emotions… [sigh]

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