Over a month ago, I happened upon a few clips of The Young Pope on Youtube. I was immediately enchanted by the mini series. Jude Law played the pope perfectly, as Pope Pius XIII / Lenny Belardo. Throughout the series, he questioned many things about life, people in general, the spiritual standards of the Catholic followers, the existence of God (Yahweh), and most the thing that haunts him constantly, his parents that left him at the orphanage when he was a boy. I bought a copy of the DVD collection a week later and waited three weeks for it to arrive, before I could continue watching it.
So, what prompted me to type up this entry?
I recently started using Instagram and came upon Mandy’s IG profile. I hesitantly went through her photos, because first, I didn’t like being a stalker who ‘Likes’ media by people I’ve lost touch with. Second, I might find something in her photos that I really like and remembering something specific about us, that I will regret.
Mind you, I made an account back in September 10th, 2015 after speaking with Patrick about his photography. So if you check my posts there, I have one I uploaded on that day and then nothing else until yesterday, when I decided to post up three pictures of Rudi in bed with me. I resisted IG because I didn’t want to keep making new accounts on other platforms. I actually don’t keep up with social media. Having all of these accounts means I have to keep track of where my information is given. I created IG solely because I wanted to show support for Patrick’s work.
Anyway, so there I was, lying in bed at 5:00pm, about an hour and thirteen minutes ago. It’s 6:13pm right now if you’re confused. ^_^ I came across Mandy’s IG profile, hesitantly looked through her photos and I started clicking the heart icon on them. All of her photos are a reflection of the contentment she has in her life. The vibrancy of the scenery, the events, the art is a direct semblance to Mandy, on how she wants to see life, to be reminded that life around her can be a reflection of what she feels on the inside. Not that I am saying the reality is different than what she perceives as reality. I am saying that while I am certain she is content in her life, like most people, she shares the best moments of her life, through those photos. Like her, I too would like to share the best moments of my life, to create a story others can see, to confirm that my life is good. At the same time, I would desire to look back on that path I took, once in awhile, to remind myself that life is certainly worth living for even through all of the setbacks we’ve had.
I knew Mandy from way back. I would say… Actually, let me check my archived emails. 2006, August 7th. Wow. That is almost thirteen years ago. This was the email I got from her via Craigslist for a pen pal:
We lasted for quite a bit of time as pen pals. Throughout that time though, she went through some setbacks and I was there, in the near distance, to ‘see her through it’. While she was seeing some improvements in her career, we also started taking an interest with each other in a romantic sense. Mind you, this was when she was separated from her husband. She didn’t live far from me. Literally, via seaplane, it would have taken just under 30 minutes.
I won’t get into any details here, but I will say one thing. I will always cherish the time we spent ‘together’, seeing/hearing her smile, laugh, talk and show me her art work. Actually, I answered a question where she was the focal point of my post. You can read about it here: Have you ever ended a relationship due to your partner’s children?
Now, you may wonder what the point of this entry is. It’s about opportunity. More specifically, I realized that I have had a lot of opportunities, but denied myself most of those opportunities when they fell on my lap. It is indeed a mixture of insecurity and focusing on the wrong things.
Michelle once said to me, that I tend to sabotage the good things in my life, because I can’t believe they are really that good. That they are in my perceived reality, illusions. This is apparent with my romantic and sexual interests, as well as my closest friendships throughout my timeline. I went through this with Patrick when we were kids, so I didn’t have to deal with heartbreak of losing him as a my best friend, as an adult. However, I didn’t get that childhood chance of trying to screw things up with the majority of my relationships.
So there I was, stalking Mandy’s profile, looking through her photos and thinking just how beautiful she is and how beautiful her life is. Then I saw a photo of her partner, then her two kids and thought, “Wow! They are so grown!” I remember when they were just small and young. Now, they are taller than their mom! Incredible really, because it brings me to think about all of the people I knew like Katie Anderson, Cathy Dickens, Benji Epp, Dwayne McInnes and others. They all have children. I still remember Katie and Cathy were best friends forever in elementary school with those two tiny girls with their cute pigtails and squeaky voices. Dale Lescano and I had the same classes. Our dads worked together as waiters at The Pier on Sea Island in the 1980’s. I remember his dad being a bit of a trickster and very personable. Dwayne was just tall and loved basketball. These days, he still loves basketball, snowmobiling and most importantly, his two children. I mean, how awesome is that?! I actually went to his mom’s house over the summer time, to fix her computer fan problem, even though Dwayne and I were never buddies over our public school days. It’s odd how things turned out, but adulthood really evolves the way we connect with our pasts. We’re all no longer classmates shoved into categories. We’re all now classmates who have a connection with each other. I mentioned all of this because I love that even through all of the negativity I felt during elementary school and high school, I still hope that my classmates back then, turned out to have good healthy lives today.
Sorry, Mark Cheng was on my mind the entire time since I mentioned Katie and Cathy. It doesn’t help when I’ve been listening on loop, to “Halo” this entire time.
So, what about opportunity that motivated me to type this long winded entry up?
I would be a different man today, if I had taken up all of the opportunities that fell on my lap throughout my entire life.
When Virginia was in my life from 1999 to 2001, I shouldn’t have played games with her heart. I was insecure and didn’t think her feelings for me were real. I regretted it. Alas, in hindsight, we were too young to fall in love and to have a life together. I say that, but I don’t really believe in that solely. What I believe is that *I* was too young to be in that situation, where I was dealing with my own shit. In hindsight, with the wisdom of a much older man, that evening she and I was standing on the balcony, I would have hugged her from behind and kissed her cheek. When she sang The Rose to me at Fairbee, in front of a crowd, I would have stood up and took her hands in mine. When I was setting up her computer in her bedroom and she appeared right in front of me under the desk, I would have kissed her lips. When she asked me how I could love her, I would have said, “Because you make my life better. You make me a better person. You make me realize there is hope to goodness, when my life had little of it.”
I’m sorry Virginia, for not giving you the love that was buried deep inside of me. I would have had to dig myself out of the burdening ashes of an abusive society, that taught me to be self sufficient emotionally and otherwise. It was not my time. So you moved on. With any consolation, perhaps if I had done all of the things I should have done, life would definitely have become much better for me. Alas, I will never know. In the last 18 years, I am sure you have found love, if not once, than as many as life would have given it to you. I hope today, you are with someone who loves you, cherishes the time with you and builds a life with you.
When Jessica was in my life, I shouldn’t have played games with her heart. I was stupid and took her friendship for granted. After she rejected me, knowing I was an inch short than she is, I wanted to see if she would be upset if I kissed another girl. So I told her a lie. She blew up on me. While our friendship was wobbly from then onward, I knew she felt I was hers. I was her best friend and I failed her. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have lied to prove a point and equally as important, I should have cherished our friendship. Back then, when she and I were still young, we had a good thing going. As a much older man, looking back, I wish I was there for her all the way through. I remember one time, she told me, “I am afraid of losing you. I don’t want to lose you.”
I’m sorry Jessica for not being the best friend you saw in me for a short time. I failed to uphold solid principle. I failed to recognize a deep connection, because I was full of shit. The person you became was different than the person that tried to reconnect with me through Facebook some years later. I knew, the moment you removed me on Facebook, after I obnoxiously shouted some political shit storm. ^_^ If you were the same person and we had that same good connection we had back in 2000 to 2004, you would have smacked me upside my head and then moved on to other things to talk about, but you didn’t because I wasn’t worth your time. I didn’t contact you back either. We’re just different people. Mind you, I no longer posts political BS on my Facebook profile. I share cute and thought provoking things instead. ♥
When Lisa was in my life during my senior years of high school, I was a shy and stupid teenager who had no clue what my life was about. I messed up. I had to deal with being blinded in one eye due to a road accident. I had to deal with not being able to father children ever. I had to deal with my inability to stay focused at school with my bad grades. I had to deal with people that didn’t like me because of the way I looked. I had to deal with my classmates who outright told me all sorts of abusive things. I had to stand up for myself when people tried to bully me. I had to deal with my love for my friends like Tom, Jon, Carsen, Carlo, Ben, etc, and fearing that I will lose them again. I had to deal with depression. I hid all of these things by behaving immaturely towards her. All she wanted was someone to love her back and I took that for granted. I took the effort she made for granted. I did like her. I was just an idiot, who gave into social pressure, feeling I had to live up to being me by not giving me to her.
I’m sorry Lisa, I was just way too young, too insecure, too full of myself. Also, I’m sorry I didn’t accept your offer to suck me off. You probably don’t remember, but it was during lunch time when my friends and I walked back to school from wherever we were. You were brave to walk up to me and offered it. Honestly, I wish I had taken up your offer some time after that. The main reason I didn’t take your offer, was because of two things. Firstly, I wasn’t sure that was really the right thing to do, no matter my immaturity. Secondly, you offered it when I was next to Tom and Jon, with Carsen, Melvin and Ben right behind us. I was caught off guard. That is why I didn’t say anything except smirk at you. Sorry, you probably not only felt dejected, but was upset with yourself. You probably felt like you messed up. Maybe it was the way you said it or something, but I can assure you, you said it perfectly. Perhaps if you had said it to me in private, I could have told you how I felt about it.
Lastly, I am sorry I didn’t accept the threesome invitation with you and your female friend when we were in our 20’s. I would have loved to have that first experience with you and your friend, but I didn’t have my own place. Were you two seriously going to come over and fuck in my bedroom, with my parents just down the hall? In hindsight, now that I am much older and have gone through so many experiences, I definitely would have accepted it back then, with my wisdom today. However, due to your rejected invitation, I did have a threesome experience years after that. Though I still wonder how it would have felt with you, as your first threesome experience.
When Mable was in my life, we could have been really good friends with benefits. I remember picking her up from the bus stop, then going over to her home. As we laid on her bed together, she told me that two adults can have a good time and still be friends. Yeah, we certainly could have. Overall, she wasn’t my type for dating and she wasn’t expecting us to date, which made it much more enticing. She certainly was very feminine and was very sexual. I remember one time, over the phone, in Cantonese, she asked when I will be going over to fuck her brains out. I laughed to myself afterward, because I wanted to, but I also didn’t want to. There were things about her that turned me off, like her naivety towards love and romance. She didn’t have love and romantic feelings for me. So that was never an issue. However, the way she engaged her love interests annoyed me a lot and she kept failing in them. As a friend, I have had many phone conversations with her. Repeatedly, she tells me the same problems and in turn, she constantly told me she didn’t know why her romantic relationships fail. I don’t like that even in my friendships. So think about us being friends with benefits. On one hand, I would have loved to engage in a sexual adventure with her, but on the other hand, I was so super intolerant. Instead of being a good friend and guide, I became an asshole. Indeed, she was naive, but surely, as a good friend, I could have done much better instead of pushing her out of my life, after hearing her tell me for the two dozenth time about the same problem. I admit, lost it and I pretty much stopped speaking with her. I have a ton of patience, but I have very little tolerance for indecisiveness and making the same mistakes repeatedly.
I’m sorry for not being a better friend and better sexual partner. With today’s wisdom, I would have asked what she would have liked me to do to her. How she would like me to lick her pussy. How she would like me to kiss and suck on her big breasts. How she would like me to touch her. How she would like me to fuck her. More than that, I would have asked her questions about her problems, given her insight, but not try to change her, as she needs to do the changing on her own time, through the consequences of her own actions.
I could pretty much go on and on and on, but I believe I owe these five women some explanation and closure, if ever they want it.
It’s funny I’m sure, that most of my readers started out reading a post full of meaning and sentiment, just to find out there is a very sexual side of it as well. However, I’m sure maturity dictates that people should be dynamic thinkers, rather than exclusively conservative or liberal. If you are, then you’re free to go back to your echo chambers of self loving. 😉
Anyway, I am who I am because of all of the people that have come through my life, through the setbacks, the failures, the successes and everything between them. I do think about all of the what ifs and the fantasies of today, if I ended up with those women. I also at times, think what if we reconnected today, what would happen? Would we pick up where we left off? Would we realize all of the mistakes we made in the past? Would we talk about everything, just to satisfy closure and curiosity? Honestly, I would love to. For Virginia, for years, I wanted her to call me up one day and ask me questions. It never happened of course. I know it just doesn’t happen that way. People I know don’t stick around for years and years. They move on. Just as I have moved on for the most part. If I hadn’t, I would have been stuck in oblivion, after Lisa and I didn’t work out. The rest of my life would just be endless self pity and boredom.
Beyond these five women, I have a lot of people to thank. Some, more than others, but all of them deserve some respect and appreciation, even to those whom have wronged me in some way. To me, those whom have wronged me, have prior to that, given me a part of their life. They had given me experiences I have continued to cherish. Indeed, I could always be a better person. However, I don’t know what is a better version of me, until I am given the opportunity to connect with people.
Some of you might wonder how I could say all of the things I’ve said, without a single mention of my wife, Amber. The reasons are plentiful, but not in the way most of you probably think it is.
My wife isn’t everything that everyone has ever given to me. Like all human beings, my wife is another individual in a sea of ideologies, curiosities, sentiments, experiences and dynamics. Right, I didn’t say anything cheesy and I don’t want to. Leemanism isn’t a meme generator for the lovesick, nor for the romantics. Leemanism is about me and I am definitely not lovesick nor romantic, though I could be romantic sometimes. ^_^
So, why didn’t I mention a word of Amber? Because Amber cannot be explained by just words alone and if I tried to, it would do her injustice and it would certainly do my connection with her injustice.
I told my wife earlier, the main reason I used to take endless pictures of my friends, is because I like perspectives. I like nostalgia. I like looking back on my life and the memories, especially places associated with those memories.
This blog entry was originally typed up as a draft 2019, March 7th and only published today on 2020, July 6th. Sometimes, even though I have a lot to say about something, my emotions aren’t ready to be revealed at the time of those thoughts.