This afternoon, I woke up to a negatively-toned message by a friend who is super stressed from having to deal with teaching and preparing for summer school, on top of taking care of a toddler, a pair of twin babies, daily-home chores, her cartoon drawings, her Chinese-studies, and whatever else going on for her. Furthermore, her husband isn’t much of a partner and barely does enough to help her as he should. Her negatively-toned response was coinciding a topic on sex and a healthy romantic relationship. The conversation went like this…
So here’s the thing. I don’t want to live a day in her life, because her stress is in direct correlation to the decisions she made in her life. When she got married, she called me some weeks after and told me how her honeymoon went. It was passable, to say the least. Though of course, her love for the new husband was still strong and believed that as time went on, their bond will just get stronger, thus their overall individual maturity would also dynamically grow together. When she had her first born, she soon realize that she wasn’t getting the support she should have gotten from her husband. In short, he did base minimum, and even then, about half of it was through nagging. Then as time went on, they chose to have another baby and they did. This time, twins. Now, I understand that my friend wants a large family. However, when your husband is barely helping you with the basics, why would you put yourself through all of that pain and stress? She recently admitted that she has a broken marriage. Their monthly marriage counseling sessions are simply for venting and aren’t actually helping. What her husband should do in the simplest of things, like take out the garbage, clean around the house, take care of the kids, and do his part, comes down to whenever he feels like it. When my friend told me about his childish antics, I got pissed off, because no one in their 30’s, let alone their 40’s should be like that. It’s petty and stupid.
In short, without going further into the details of their broken marriage, my friend knowing how crappy her husband’s antics are, chose to have more kids, chose to swamp her life with Chinese studies, swamp her life with drawing cartoons, and many other things. I am not saying she shouldn’t do those things. I am saying she chose to do them to fill in a huge hole in her romantic relationship.
My friend insisted that sex makes up a tiny portion of her entire life, that it’s insignificant in the bigger picture. She only believes that because firstly, she has a very mediocre sex life, one where she isn’t getting any pleasure from. Secondly, because her marriage life sucks, she fills in the emptiness of what could otherwise be a healthy happy romantic relationship with all sorts of other things, one of which is trying to have a large family. I am not saying she would have it otherwise, if she had a healthy happy romantic relationship, but the fact is, she puts her all into everything else, because the only reason she is still married, is because ‘it’s for the kids’. That means she’ll have to be with someone that makes her unhappy for the next 12-16 years, if she chooses to get a divorce after the kids are old enough. In short, her actions prior to having kids, and what she has told me before on varying occasions contradict what he has told me recently that sex isn’t important to her. Again, it isn’t important, because she swamps her life with everything else to fill in a huge void, blocking out sex and intimacy as legitimate mediums for stress relief.
Furthermore, while I am fond of my friend, I am disappointed that whenever it gets to something like this, she lashes out at me without once thinking of who I am. When we are on better terms, even when she disagrees with me, she respectfully disagrees with me, but in times like this, she completely wipes away our special relationship, our connection, and our relative closeness. In short, she treats me like I am some Joe Blow that she can just be angry at, and never apologize to for making wrongful accusations. I don’t base my criticism of her on a whim. I base my constructive criticism on everything I have observed, ON TOP of what she has told me coinciding other aspects of her life that I won’t talk openly about. So when I speak about this area of her life and she lashes back at me, it seems that there is a discrepancy between what she has told me recently, versus what she’s angry at me about. Like in a previous entry that I posted last year sometime, a lot of her angry responses back at me felt like a projection, more than a direct personal attack on me. What’s further amusing is that she explained that one of her sisters mostly never directly apologizes. Instead, she’ll joke about the issue in some manner, and that’s the apology. When my friend gets personal like this in her anger, she is the exact same way. It’s like when my dad gets angry at my brother and I, but to make it up later, he’ll give us $20 each. It’s actually quite terrible and teaches that it’s all about bargaining one’s feelings, instead of subjecting them to anger in the first place.
She excused herself due to having a period, on top of being super stressed out, but it is ultimately inexcusable behaviour. You might wonder if we’re pretty close, and otherwise, quite open with each other, why I am resorting to posting it in my blog instead of addressing it with her. From the pattern of communication of our past, coinciding specifically to things like this, it will just blow up in my face. While I am certainly not defending her husband for his childish antics, I can understand that my friend can get quite overbearing sometimes, even when she tries to be be calm about it, and not escalate. However, over the nearly two decades I know of her, she can’t help but make jabs at people. I know he is in the wrong, but in some lesser degree, my friend is also to blame. Basically, instead of using ‘I am staying for the kids’ excuse, she should have figured these things out about her future husband during their dating phase. His personality, character, abilities, and capabilities are all seen during the dating phase. Also, I emphasize that people should have sex before they get married. Otherwise, you end up like my friend here who thought big dicks equated to orgasmic heavenly sex. She has not once orgasmed from her husband’s big dick, in the twelve years they’ve been married. Instead, her husband thinks of himself as a sex god, when she’s actually faking it.
They can’t communicate openly with each other without resorting to opening up buckets of worms of resentment. They can’t ask each other to do anything useful around the house, as it will just frustrate at least one of them. They can’t efficiently do anything in the house to create an easy flow of events, because at least one of them is too spoiled since birth to recognize the family isn’t just about his own needs. She wants to love and adore him, but he doesn’t do anything to deserve that effort. As she ages, as she continues with this marriage, she will continue to ferment resentment, and that resentment will turn to hate slowly. That hate will eat away at her and by the time she might have a chance to leave, it’s already too late. She has changed for the worst. Her perspective in life is hindered by what can be good. While indeed, she can still see it and believe it through the prayers of her own religious beliefs, ultimately, as a human being, her once naive yet, fantastical views of love, sex, and romance would be soiled by the taint in her own.
Basically, no one should live a day in my friend’s life, including her. No one should be subjected to stress like this. I am not saying sex would solve her problems. I am saying that a healthy romantic relationship would ease her overall mental health, which ultimately would make work stress something that can be dealt with much better. I was tempted to sling back at her to tell her to live a day in my shoes. Indeed, my day to day is very stress-free for the most part, but I choose to live this way, so I don’t fall into another stressful lifestyle where a deep-seated depression has conquered my inner being, making me consciously hold back suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. If she lived a day in my shoes, she would likely killed herself a long time ago. Let’s see how she deals with suicidal thoughts eh? 😉 Nah, I wouldn’t put that on her. Like I said, I am fond of my friend. Depression isn’t a joke. However, unlike her super stressed out lifestyle, I didn’t choose to be depressed. She chose to be stressed out. She has convinced herself that sex is insignificant, because her marriage has become insignificant in her daily life. Her marriage has become a hindrance to her own growth and happiness. That is all.