Over a month ago, I happened upon a few clips of The Young Pope on Youtube. I was immediately enchanted by the mini series. Jude Law played the pope perfectly, as Pope Pius XIII / Lenny Belardo. Throughout the series, he questioned many things about life, people in general, the spiritual standards of the Catholic followers, the existence of God (Yahweh), and most the thing that haunts him constantly, his parents that left him at the orphanage when he was a boy. I bought a copy of the DVD collection a week later and waited three weeks for it to arrive, before I could continue watching it.
So, what prompted me to type up this entry?
I recently started using Instagram and came upon Mandy’s IG profile. I hesitantly went through her photos, because first, I didn’t like being a stalker who ‘Likes’ media by people I’ve lost touch with. Second, I might find something in her photos that I really like and remembering something specific about us, that I will regret.
Mind you, I made an account back in September 10th, 2015 after speaking with Patrick about his photography. So if you check my posts there, I have one I uploaded on that day and then nothing else until yesterday, when I decided to post up three pictures of Rudi in bed with me. I resisted IG because I didn’t want to keep making new accounts on new platforms. I actually don’t keep up with social media. Having all of these accounts means I have to keep track of where my information is given. I created IG solely because I wanted to show support for Patrick’s work.
Anyway, so there I was, lying in bed at 5:00pm, about an hour and thirteen minutes ago. It’s 6:13pm right now if you’re confused. ^_^ I came across Mandy’s IG profile, hesitantly looked through her photos and I started clicking the heart icon on them. All of her photos are a reflection of the contentment she has in her life. The vibrancy of the scenery, the events, the art is a direct semblance to Mandy, on how she wants to see life, to be reminded that life around her can be a reflection of what she feels on the inside. Not that I am saying the reality is different than what she perceives as reality. I am saying that while I am certain she is content in her life, like most people, she shares the best moments of her life, through those photos. Like her, I too would like to share the best moments of my life, to create a story others can see, to confirm that my life is good. At the same time, I would desire to look back on that path I took, once in awhile, to remind myself that life is certainly worth living for even through all of the setbacks we’ve had.
I knew Mandy from way back. I would say… Actually, let me check my archived emails. 2006, August 7th. Wow. That is almost thirteen years ago. This was the email I got from her via Craigslist for a pen pal:
We lasted for quite a bit of time as pen pals. Throughout that time though, she went through some setbacks and I was there, in the near distance, to ‘see her through it’. While she was seeing some improvements in her career, we also started taking an interest with each other in a romantic sense. Mind you, this was when she was separated from her husband. She didn’t live far from me. Literally, via seaplane, it would have taken just under 30 minutes.
I won’t get into any details here, but I will say one thing. I will always cherish the time we spent ‘together’, seeing/hearing her smile, laugh, talk and show me her art work. Actually, I answered a question where she was the focal point of my post. You can read about it here: Have you ever ended a relationship due to your partner’s children?
Now, you may wonder what the point of this entry is. It’s about opportunity. More specifically, I realized that I have had a lot of opportunities, but denied myself most of those opportunities when they fell on my lap. It is indeed a mixture of insecurity and focusing on the wrong things.
Michelle once said to me, that I tend to sabotage the good things in my life, because I can’t believe they are really that good. That they are in my perceived reality, illusions. This is apparent with my romantic and sexual interests, as well as my closest friendships throughout my timeline. I went through this with Patrick when we were kids, so I didn’t have to deal with heartbreak of losing him as a my best friend, as an adult. However, I didn’t get that childhood chance of trying to screw things up with the majority of my relationships.
So there I was, stalking Mandy’s profile, looking through her photos and thinking just how beautiful she is and how beautiful her life is. Then I saw a photo of her partner, then her two kids and thought, “Wow! They are so grown!” I remember when they were just small and young. Now, they are taller than their mom! Incredible really, because it brings me to think about all of the people I knew like Katie Anderson, Cathy Dickens, Benji Epp, Dwayne McInnes and others. They all have children. I still remember Katie and Cathy were best friends forever in elementary school with those two tiny girls with their cute pigtails and squeaky voices. Dale Lescano and I had the same classes. Our dads worked together as waiters at The Pier on Sea Island in the 1980’s. I remember his dad being a bit of a trickster and very personable. Dwayne was just tall and loved basketball. These days, he still loves basketball, snowmobiling and most importantly, his two children. I mean, how awesome is that?! I actually went to his mom’s house over the summer time, to fix her computer fan problem, even though Dwayne and I were never buddies over our public school days. It’s odd how things turned out, but adulthood really evolves the way we connect with our pasts. We’re all no longer classmates shoved into categories. We’re all now classmates who have a connection with each other. I mentioned all of this because I love that even through all of the negativity I felt during elementary school and high school, I still hope that my classmates back then, turned out to have good healthy lives today.
Sorry, Mark Cheng was on my mind the entire time since I mentioned Katie and Cathy. It doesn’t help when I’ve been listening on loop, to “Halo” this entire time.
So, what about opportunity that motivated me to type this long winded entry up?
I would be a different man today, if I had taken up all of the opportunities that fell on my lap throughout my entire life.
Anyway, I am who I am because of all of the people that have come through my life, through the setbacks, the failures, the successes and everything between them. I do think about all of the what ifs and the fantasies of today, if I ended up with those women. I also at times, think what if we reconnected today, what would happen? Would we pick up where we left off? Would we realize all of the mistakes we made in the past? Would we talk about everything, just to satisfy closure and curiosity? Honestly, I would love to. For Virginia, for years, I wanted her to call me up one day and ask me questions. It never happened of course. I know it just doesn’t happen that way. People I know don’t stick around for years and years. They move on. Just as I have moved on for the most part. If I hadn’t, I would have been stuck in oblivion, after Lisa and I didn’t work out. The rest of my life would just be endless self pity and boredom.