On March 16th, 2021, I reconnected with Lisa on Facebook Messenger. We hadn’t spoken to each other since 2016, which after she added me as a connection on FB, she disappeared soon after.
We spoke via Messenger for awhile, until we took it to Whatsapp text and voice messaging. We also spoke on the phone a few times. We met once, when she came over to my place in April. Prior to meeting with me in person, I propositioned her to become my friend with benefits. She rejected me on the primary notion that she doesn’t want to risk falling for me, and end up no where, since I am already married. At another point in our conversation, she briefly mentioned that she didn’t want to be my friend with benefits because I hurt her in the past. Mind you, I was an immature idiot in my senior years of high school. However, that was way back in 1995 to 1996 at HJ Cambie High School. She was a grade lower than me.
That was 25 years ago.
I emphasize how long it has been, because I realized that Lisa hasn’t changed all that much in terms of maturity and outlook since we were teens. The only main difference between then and now, is that she’s had a lot more sexual experiences. In short, she is actually still quite immature for her age. I feel that her maturity is forced, rather than grown. Not to get into the intimate details, I’ll just say she was a young mom at age 18, had another at age 20, went through an abusive relationship with the father of her children, where Albert and I even went to rescue her back in 2001, but she told me recently, that she actually went back to that abusive asshole for a few more years before calling it quits. After that, she met another guy, and maintained a relationship for almost eleven years, with a break somewhere, in which she had lots of sex with other men.
Now, if any of you old timers who have been with my blog since 2006 would notice, that even in a span of fifteen years, a person can evolve their way of thinking, upgrade their demeanor, expand their world view, and even find innovative ways to deal with problems with a myriad of possible solutions. Speaking with Lisa over the last few months have made me realize she is none of these things. She still behaves like the same Lisa Vo I knew back in high school 25 years ago. One noticeable difference is that she is a lot less talkative and more paranoid. This is apparently due to former friends of hers that had backstabbed her. I don’t know when this happened and with whom, but one bad experience shouldn’t be an automatic ‘death sentence’ for everyone else. Whatever I did as a teenager, was inexcusable, but that was 25 years ago. The worst I did? Handled it immaturely. I didn’t hit her, nor say bad things about her, nor treated her poorly. All I did was behaved like an idiot, who didn’t know what to do with her feelings. We held hands, we kissed each others’ lips very lightly, hugged a few times, and she offered me a blowjob which I didn’t take. That was it. She blew this out of proportion, that somehow, in her mind, I treated her badly. Well, definitely not nearly as badly as the abusive boyfriend she had some years after our fucked-up relationship, and she stayed with him for a few years.
Another problem I notice about her, are the friends she keeps. They are stupid.
Not that long ago, Lisa had a one night stand with a guy who told her they can be friends with benefits, but definitely friends first. After they had sex, every time Lisa made plans with him, he would flake out. The entire time, he would make all sorts of excuses. It has been a few months already and they still haven’t met up again. In the course of that non-existing friendship with benefits, Lisa reached out to one of her other friends and asked her for advice. Her friend, after listening to the story, told Lisa, paraphrased, “At least he’s trying.” Lisa told me what her friend told her, and I literally facepalmed myself and laughed. I laughed because, well there is more to her friend than what I am saying here, but besides for context, I can’t say anything more. Let’s just say that Lisa surrounds herself with stupid people, that have two very extreme views of what life should be. On one hand, she has a friend who doesn’t believe in tipping, is super stingy, and feels she is entitled to having someone take care of her and not work at all. On the other hand, she has a friend whose own relationship is totally disconnected through the lack of communication, giving relationship advice to Lisa that in short, ‘at least she has someone who is trying’. I mean, what the actual fuck?!
Lisa asked me for advice about that guy she had a one night stand with. However, guess what her question to me was? Paraphrased, “Why doesn’t he just tell me how he really feels about me? Does he like me? If he doesn’t, why doesn’t he just tell me?!”
Now, of course, I try to be a relatively decent friend and try to help her see all of this in a more mature lens, but it’s quite difficult when her brain is wired the way it is. I told her that the pattern of engagement speaks for itself. As adults, we have the capacity to decipher such patterns and respond accordingly. So in this regard, the most obvious thing to do is stop questioning it, and move on. The most obvious answer to your questions, as a whole, is that he fucked you and now, he doesn’t need you anymore. Not that difficult. However, Lisa insists that she must know whether he likes her or not, and why he can’t give her a straight answer.
Before I continue, I would like to refer you to an old blog post from January 6th, 2007, titled “Gosh Dagnabbit“. More specifically…
However, since New Years’ Eve, she’s called me a total of 4 times. The first time was to wish me happy new year. The second time was her balling her eyes out because of some dude who broke her heart, after she gave him sex AFTER only knowing him for one week and somehow falling in love with him.
Right, so as I was saying, I finally told her that I cannot deal with such stupidity and requested that in the future, she stop bringing up that one night stand with me, to save me from losing more brain cells. Alas, a few days ago, she sent me the following…
Firstly, as you can see, again, with the same repeated behaviour pattern and her response to it all, is exactly the same. Since high school, she hasn’t evolved at all. She’s still the same person. Which frankly, is disappointing. When I reached out to various people from my past, the majority of them had grown up in some regard, lead lives that empowered them, or put them on a path in which they are still figuring things out for themselves. However, for Lisa, she’s stuck in oblivion. She’s still the same 15 year old I met back in 1995, except she’s older now, with a bit more life experiences.
Secondly, notice her first response to my advice? Look at the time discrepancy between her first and second response. “You think so?” at 6:36pm with a neutral tone, then continued 16 minutes later with a defensive tone saying, “So if I was to say to u Leeman let’s have sex? U gonna think I have low esteem?”
That means, she didn’t actually read anything I said and responded with a complete brain-dead comment, followed by glancing at the first sentence and assumed I believe she has low self esteem because she wants to have sex with her co-worker.
Instead of ‘correcting her’, like I patiently did before, this time, I simply asked WHERE I said asking someone for sex means she has low self esteem. She hasn’t responded to me since.
Now, as you can clearly see, my advice was exactly the same as the one I gave her about the previous one night stand: Stop asking stupid questions that have obvious answers, and move on. Better yet, LEARN FROM IT!
She won’t of course. So here’s the thing. While I did at one time recently, wanted badly to build a new friendship with Lisa, even after she rejected my proposition for sex, I realized she’s just too immature to be friends with. I won’t break up our new barely-functional friendship, but I won’t expend any active energy into trying to maintain it. I think I’ve done enough for our reunion to show her that I was sincere. However, I don’t need bullshit in my life. Her problems aren’t real problems. They are self-inflicted bullshit. I don’t feel strongly about her in any capacity. Therefore, there is no reason to get angry at what she says. She has accused me of being angry/mad before, but my raised voice was due to frustration, rather than anger.
I would like to point out that we stopped speaking with each other frequently around mid May. You read more about that in my blog post titled “Relationships Aren’t Built On Silence“.
Basically, I am disappointed that after 25 years, Lisa is still the same person she was, when she was a teen. I would think that in a period of 25 years, a person would have the capacity to learn and grow beyond the confounds of their stalled environment. When I look back at myself way back when I was a teen, I was immature, quite an idiot, and while I was curious, my world view was definitely not nearly as broad as it has become. Of course, I took every experience I had to aid in my growth. All of the mistakes I made, were ingredients to my evolution. Lisa still treats me like I am the same teenager she fell for all those years ago. Alas, I am not the same person I was 25 years ago. Certainly, even in my mid life, I can still reflect and keep evolving.