Mid last year, I tried reconnecting with Mable. I ditched our friendship around 2011, because there were a few things I really didn’t like about her character. She was indecisive, emotionally naive, spent time around toxic backstabbers, constantly judges people based purely on the perception of a single action, amongst other things. There were of course positive aspects to her. For example, she was considerate, if you are physically in her presence. She will go out of her way to make you feel ‘at home’, make sure you’re fed, you’re not thirsty and generally, I think she had her heart in the right place, even if it was ultimately misplaced. She wasn’t a terrible person. However, I was going through a shit storm back in 2011 and needed to shed weight off my shoulders. I could not be bothered with people who constantly held themselves back, who continue to waste my time, and ultimately repeat the same hamster wheel of misery without any particular reason. Basically, what my aunt is going through right now, but infinitely better. It wasn’t like Mable was being abused by a partner, a spouse or someone in her immediate vicinity on a daily basis. She wasn’t even going through depression. She had friends who wanted to help her, give her advice, give her constructive feedback. She was an independent woman and not like she was helpless either. I must have spent on average, about 2-3 hours on the phone, each time we called each other between 2006 and 2011.
So I tried reconnecting with her mid last year (2019). I apologized for my behaviour at the time. For the next two months, we spoke with each other through Whatsapp and phone calls. Now, this entire time, absolutely no sex related topics came up. It was primarily about her growth as a person, her becoming a mother, changing jobs and her overall feelings in life.
One night, after having dealt with a series of repeated issues in my relationship with Amber, combined with the growing depression that waxes and wanes, I messaged Mable and told her that she looked fantastic these days. She responded in a voice message that she didn’t realize I still thought of her ‘that way’. She even rhetorically asked if I ever think about having sex with her, followed by, in her exact words, “It’s not like we haven’t done it before.” with the way she said it, it sounded like she was inviting me for sex.
Now, I need to stress that at this point, I felt extremely hurt coinciding what I wanted to do. I knew it was wrong, even if ultimately, nothing happened between us. It was the intent that hurt me. It was the fact that I wanted to fuck Mable’s brains out that evening, that made me nearly vomit in my car. I was shaking the entire drive to my old neighbourhood.
So I drove out to a street near my old house, parked, then started messaging her. To cut two hours short of what we said with each other, her tone completely changed after she had about 30 minutes to think, from the moment I drove out, to the moment I parked and started messaging her. Her tone went from “I didn’t realize you still thought of me that way. Do you still think about having sex with me? It’s not like we haven’t done it before.” to “I don’t know anything about your wife, but I don’t want to disrespect your wife.” Basically, she baited me in and switched. I’m sure if we had met up in person, prior to me telling her any of this stuff, we would have ended up having a fuckfest, but because I told her all of this prior to us meeting up, she had time to think about what it and in whatever conscience she had, ultimately decided to save everyone the drama and not go through with it.
So let me make this clear. I was 100% in the wrong here. My intent was to blow off steam and massive frustration, by meeting up with an old fling to have hardcore pornographic sex with. Whether I would have ultimately gone through with it, doesn’t matter. It was through the denial of Mable, that I didn’t get the chance to cheat on my wife. It was at the precise moment that I noticed Mable’s tone had suddenly changed, that I felt an immense relief that I wasn’t going to cheat on my wife. However, I want it also known that I didn’t go to Vancouver prior to chatting with Mable. So I still had control over what I did, versus what I wanted to do. I had driven to my old neighbourhood and parked there. I needed a buffer to talk myself out of it. My dick was telling me to go fuck Mable. My heart was crying. My brain was logical as usual and basically told me to sit there while I await Mable’s decision. Only then, would I decide whether to go through with it or not. I would like to think the 3 hours I sat out there in the car, would have ultimately allowed me to go back home without causing grief, but I know I could also have made the wrong choice and hurt myself, as well as Amber.
After we spoke with each for nearly three hours, I told Mable that I am glad she was honest with me and that everything is fine. However, before we hung up, she said something that annoyed me. She mentioned that, “Since you’re upset with what I just told you, then I can’t do anything about that.” Which proved to me, that Mable was still stuck in her old ways of not listening to people. I literally never told her I was upset about anything she said. In fact, I told her the opposite. I even thanked her, but for some reason, she just didn’t hear anything I said for the last two hours.
About two hours into the chat, I started relaxing and I suddenly felt happy because I knew I wasn’t going to cheat on Amber. So everything I said from that moment onward, was positive. However, Mable continued as if she didn’t actually hear anything I said, like I was still pushing for us to have sex. Note that I didn’t push her for sex at all. The only things I said was that Amber and I have a special relationship, that there are problems, that I do at times think about old flings. I never once pestered Mable for sex. If she said “no”, then that was that. However, as I said, it seemed like she didn’t actually read or listened to anything I said. It seemed like she was just glancing through my words, without actually reading or hearing anything and assumed everything.
Note that this was a prevalent issue before. She talks over people and when she’s asked a question, she often answers with unrelated things. It was no different here. The conversation could have lasted an hour and a half, but the reason it lasted three hours, was because half of the first two and a half hours was about her saying a bunch of things – 80% of which was unrelated to anything I said. However, because I was feeling relieved, I let her say whatever she said, even though at times, I raised an eyebrow wondering what the fuck she was on about.
The last thirty minutes of our conversation was about mundane things. Which at that point, I told her I needed to go home, again thanked her time and said good night. I drove home, went into the bedroom, gave Amber a kiss on her forehead. I briefly mentioned what happened to Amber the next day, but I am sure she didn’t know the entire story. So here it is.
Now, of course, this isn’t so simple. Otherwise, I would have ended my story with the last paragraph.
A month after that, I messaged Mable again and asked her what was going on. I told her she just disappeared after a month and then proceeded to tell her that my wife has a proposal for her. She responded firstly that whatever my wife has to say, she isn’t interested. Secondly, she deliberately didn’t message me, because it was obvious that our conversation was heading back towards sexual topics. That pissed me off. I told her that literally, we had one conversation about sex. Every other time prior to that, was all about her and her kid. Never once did I bring up any sex related topics, except that one last time and even then, she never told me to stop talking to her about sex. We ended that conversation on what I thought were good terms, because we ended up talking about my brother, my family, a bit about life itself. If she wanted me to be purely platonic, all she had to do was tell me straightforwardly, instead of accusing me of something I didn’t do.
She continued by saying that it’s better we don’t reconnect since it obviously seems I am disrespecting the fact she is a mother and a wife. This made be it the more vexing because her marriage is a sham. She hinted in our previous conversation that their marriage is broken, and they are on friendly terms, but there is no romance. She also told me that if her husband found out about her intimate talks with other people, she wouldn’t care about what he thinks. The fact she didn’t care about his feelings, told me a lot about their non-existing relationship.So it’s total bullshit that this is about me disrespecting her as a mother and a wife.
Her idea of respect and disrespect is completely misguided and hypocritical. She’s married to a man that doesn’t love her. They stayed together because of the kid. I surmise they originally got married, because he wanted a green card and she was on the notion that if two people spend enough time together, there is a good chance they will fall in love. She has told me this in the past, when she did the same thing for a different guy who wanted a green card. It’s fucking twisted that she thinks she deserves respect for the sham marriages she gets herself into.
I told Amber this and she shrugged. What Mable said has bothered me since then, because it reminds me just how fucked up people can perceive things. It’s self-righteous irony. I have to say that it was lovely that Amber asked me to ask Mable to give me a blowjob, but even though Mable gives one of the most amazing blowjobs, ultimately, I’m glad that Mable showed her true colours.
Anyhow, ditching my friendship with Mable back in 2011 was a good thing. I should have stuck with it, knowing that people rarely change their core characters, even if they have immense experience growing their new lifestyles. Alas, it’s just disappointing. I thought with all of the things she had gone through, evolving and maturing, that she would have become a sex positive person who would precisely tell me what she wants, instead of making accusations about me. If someone asked me if I would like to perform a sex act on them, and I didn’t want to, I would tell them I wouldn’t and prefer to keep our relationship platonic. I wouldn’t put myself on some self-righteous pedestal of high morality, especially when actions counter her own moral code.