Misadventures

Relationships Aren’t Built On Silence

Corresponding to an earlier entry titled “Fuckless New Friend“, perhaps I could say I dodged a bullet with Lisa, in terms of having her as my fuck buddy. As we corresponded more, the more I feel Lisa is more of a headache than what the sex may be worth.

Firstly, she’s quite naive in how she views relationships. Everything is very black and white to her. Everything is very linear. Dynamics between individual relationships don’t even occur within her thought process. She sees everyone under the same light and tone. For example, she met a classmate for lunch and he propositioned sex with her. The issue here is that he was trying to cheat on his wife with her. Lisa offered advice to him, that he should try to cherish his wife more and work on their relationship. This is sound generic advice. However, when I propositioned her for sex, she saw me under the same light, completely discarding the fact I am in an open marriage. She even asked me if I would be okay if she had sex with 4-5 other men. Which I responded, “If you’re okay with it, and your 4-5 sex partners are okay with it, then you’re all okay with it. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else whom isn’t involved. So if some random shit-stain told you they aren’t okay with you sleeping around, who are they to tell you in the first place? Are they involved with you? No? Then why does it matter?!”

Second, she’s not perceptive towards the lifestyles of individuals. Instead, she judges everyone the same, disregarding their individual personalities and lifestyle choices. I am in an open relationship with my wife, whom both of us have consented to open up our marriage. We’re both okay with it. She thought that as a married man, I shouldn’t be lusting after other women. I told Lisa that the only difference between a man who has a partner and a man that doesn’t, is that in restrictive socially-driven conditions, a man with a partner has to actively suppress his urges for other women. In my relationship with my wife, we don’t have to do such silly superficial things.

Third, she constantly thinks that people are angry at her, for bringing up any form of criticism and feedback. ALL of my friends, except Lisa has appreciated my constructive feedback. Lisa has been the only one who constantly thought I was being angry at her, because apparently, her other friends seem to be frequently angry at her. Gee, I wonder why. Lisa tends to accuse people of shit.

Lastly, her maturity seems forced by her circumstances, rather than through the evolution of her thought processes. She was a mother at 18, who had a second baby when she was 20, who had to care for them by herself primarily. She also went through emotional and physical abuse. Ultimately, she had to fend for herself. So all of these experiences forced her into situations where she had to take responsibility and to a degree, accountability. However, even as we spoke on the phone and in person, her maturity isn’t dynamically based on her experiences as an adult. It’s as if she’s an adult looking at the world through the lens of a bratty teenager.

What’s further irritating is that she listens to stupid people and does not critically think about what those stupid people say to her. For example, she had a one night stand with some guy. He lasted five minutes. He told her that they can be friends with benefits. For over a month, he would make plans with her, then cancel last minute. He would always make excuses. So Lisa told one of her closer friends about this and asked what she should do. Her friend told her this, “At least he’s trying.” HOW IN THE NINE CAT HELLS IS HE TRYING?! All that guy has been doing is make endless excuses. That isn’t trying. I outright told Lisa to stop listening to stupid people giving stupid advice, when their own lives are fucking stupid as shit. She asked me for advice, but I said to her that the last thing she should be wondering about is the “why” part of why he’s making excuses. Instead, she should simply forget about trying to be friends with him. Lisa insisted that she needed to know why. So after a few minutes of that stupidity, I told her that I refuse to talk about this again, because it kills brain cells. I told her that if she wants to be stupid, then do so outside of my correspondences with her.

We stopped speaking with each other frequently around mid May. Basically, she doesn’t add much to our conversations. While she once did mention she is usually the one listening, the problem is that there isn’t anything between us to go on. For my friends, I am usually the one listening, but that is after we’ve had a lifetime of memories and experiences. So there is substance to our relationships. With Lisa, where is the substance? So after being a bit frustrated with her lack of contribution, I finally just asked, “Besides work, you must be doing at least something else to help you get your days on. Do you read books? Follow local news? Video games? Random chat on the internet?”

She didn’t respond to that. More than a month later, I randomly poked at her and said, “All work and no play make Lisa’s pussy barren and full of cobwebs? 😅” She responded to that a few days later with, “Hi Leeman how are you?”

[sigh]

So I started a conversation about the temperature and weather. We went on from there. Unfortunately, every other day or so, she would ask the same question, “How are you?” or “How’s it going?”

I find that people who ask that question frequently, are people who lack substance. They sleep, eat, work, go home, shit, repeat, then die one day. They have no life. My other friend Laura is swamped with being a school teacher, on top of taking care of one toddler, two twins, her Chinese studies, her cartoons, household chores, grocery shopping, and school workshops. She also works out for an hour per day, three days a week, and visits friends and family every now and then. Now, she has a life, even though her day to day is swamped with stuff to do. So Lisa can’t use the excuse she’s too tired. Literally, she spends her free days out with her stupid ass friends that give stupid ass advice, who just pig out, or she stays at home and watch television. OMG, I cannot live like that.

I once told a couple of my friends a long time ago, that I hate it when my friends ask how I am doing, knowing full well what I’ve been going through. So the majority of the time, my closest friends pretty much stopped asking. I feel like Lisa is living a life of Catch 22. On one hand, she wants to create solid trustworthy friendships, but on the other hand, she has little to contribute, and she’s generally mistrustful of everyone due to being back-stabbed in the past. I am not saying everyone must say or do things constantly. I am saying people should have something to add to the relationship in any degree. From my perspective, it feels like Lisa just wants to ‘be around’ and ‘take’. On some level, it feels like she accidentally spoiled herself to the idea that it should be enough to just exist. Even in my relationships with my friends, we don’t always talk with each other, but when we do, there is never a time we run out of things to say. In the times we don’t talk with each other, we simply enjoy being with each other, in the moments we share. Whether those moments be feeling the breeze out at Steveston Village while eating some frozen yogurt, or leaning up against each other with our eyes closed listening to our surroundings, or just smiling at each other. However, for Lisa, there is no life we have created between us. She’s just someone from my past that I wanted to reach out to, in hopes that we can build a life between us, but so far, there isn’t anything.

Relationships aren’t built on silence. Relationships can exist in silence, but that is after the relationship has been dynamically created through experiences, memories, and interactions.

At one time, for awhile, I wanted badly to build a friendship with Lisa, even after she rejected my proposition of sex. However, I stopped trying. So now, it’s just ‘wherever the winds might take us’. I am not one to break relationships, unless it’s detrimental to my health and to those that I care about. So I will allow this vague friendship to exist and perhaps one day, it might blossom into something more. Alas, I won’t hold my breath for it.

 

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Namischa
18 days ago

“Relationships aren’t built on silence. Relationships can exist in silence.”

That is a beautiful quote!

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