Muses & Mishaps

Plowing the Magnolia Fields

Many years ago, Reuben introduced Megan and her sister to the group, firstly as a part of our Minecraft server collective, then later, as like minded friends. Megan was still a teenager at the time, where I didn’t pay much attention to, except the rare instances where she expressed a black and white view of the world. For example, a new player had joined our Minecraft server. Somehow, the topic of romantic relationships came up. The new player directed the question to me about my relationship status. Before I could answer, Megan immediately responded on my behalf, “He’s married and unavailable.” I am pretty sure the new player didn’t care whether I was single or not. She was just trying to strike up conversation. However, Megan being as blunt as she was, pretty much ‘shut the conversation’ up right then and there. I didn’t speak much to Megan. Normally only when her sister is also online, that I would speak with the both of them at the same time.

Some years had passed and we all finally got together in person at Stormcrow in east Vancouver. Megan’s in-person behaviour and attitude was quite a bit different than her online persona. Online, she’s straightforward and blunt, with little ability to bend to other world views. In-person, she’s playful and casual. When I sat next to her, I asked if I could pat her head and she permitted me to with a smile. I patted her head gently and smiled back at her. Basically, Megan was surprisingly lovely. It was around that time, I paid a bit more attention to her, as she slowly opened up to everyone.

As time went on, and more messages were sent between all of us, I started to take notice of Megan more and more. It was around late 2019 when Megan was 21, that I started taking much more notice towards her. She had gradually become more open minded about the world had to offer, became dynamically much more mature than when I first met her, has a huge thirst to explore, was very inquisitive, was playful, wholesome, and creative. I thought how awesome she has become in such a short period of time. In the beginning of 2020, I had a conversation with Amber about asking Megan to be my friend with benefits, but wasn’t too inclined to do it because I wasn’t sure if Megan was emotionally mature enough and open minded enough. Amber having witnessed the transitional growth of Megan suggested I ask her, but I was very hesitant.

To summarize my thought process at the time, I didn’t want to risk causing a mental burden on Megan, if she was indeed not nearly as emotionally mature as she comes off on the surface, which may cause a negative ripple effect throughout our mutual group of friends. The most common communication between our friends, is that our group welcomes people to speak their minds, and to offer a safe space for people to express themselves. So I didn’t want to be the reason Megan stops communicating in the group. Thus, I made a final decision not to ask Megan to be my friend with benefits.

However, this was on the notion that I thought Megan was not sexually open minded and still emotionally immature to that degree. Otherwise, I didn’t find anything wrong with her. For me to ask a friend to be my friend with benefits, I must have developed a good solid trust on that person. More specifically, I would trust that person to be receptive of my proposition and whether they reject it or accept it, would all come down to how they respond. In this case, with respect and decency.

November 2021 came around and I published a long blog post titled “Plowing the Magnolia Fields” coinciding my desire to ask Megan to be my FWB and why I chose not to. Amber, Kari, and Tom read it. Kari asked me if Megan had read my blog post about her. I told her no, because none of my gamer friends read my blogs. Tom doesn’t count because we’ve been friends since we were 7. He’s not just a friend from my gaming group. He’s my brother from another mother. Amber read it and she insisted I ask Megan to be my FWB. This was on the notion that if Megan is as mature and open minded as she expresses herself to be, then asking her to be my FWB shouldn’t be an issue. Tom and I had a voice conversation on Discord in January 2022 about this topic. Basically, he mimicked my thought process that it’s prudent I don’t ask Megan, if I am having my doubts. I reused that blog post title for this entry, because it seems appropriate, even though the “plowing” part now has the opposite meaning.

A month later in February 2022, Megan and I had a long voice conversation over Whatsapp, where she opened her hobbies and her personality up to me. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation because it was here, she told me she’s into bondage as an art form. She also told me she’s a super sexual person and can be a very nasty girl. She also shared with me she originally felt that because she’s the youngest, she was seen as the outsider, someone people had to tiptoe around, had to be extra gentle to. However, when people started including her in everything, it made her feel like she was actually a part of us, that people actually like her, and want to be around her. I was super happy she figured this out on her own, because I always tried my best to make our gaming sessions to be as inclusive as possible. If I ever felt someone was extra quiet, or felt like they couldn’t get their word in, I would interrupt everyone just to ask them to say what they wanted to say, Megan included. Basically, I treated Megan the same way I treated Tom and Reuben.

During our conversation in February 2022, after Megan told me she can be a very nasty girl (sexually), I responded in a voice message paraphrased, “I’m actually quite jealous. I wish you are attracted to me, so I can have a taste of you as well.” She apologized for making me feel awkward, which I assured her I wasn’t. I also assured her that being sex positive means topics of sex are normalized in day to day conversations, but that doesn’t mean people are allowed to express explicit details toward others at the same time. I mentioned that last part, to reaffirm that Megan could share her sexual hobbies and sexual thought processes, without fear I would start sending her lewd messages without her permission.

In the beginning of April 2022, while Amber was giving me oral sex, Amber suddenly stopped, raised her head and asked why I don’t ask Megan to be my sexting buddy instead. I was very hesitant. Even though Megan has at the very least, on the surface proven she has become much more emotionally mature, is definitely sexually open minded, and has proven to be a trustworthy friend, I was still adamant that there was something off about Megan. Perhaps it was my paranoia, but something just didn’t sit right about her. I mean, on the surface, she seems like someone I exactly wanted to ‘play with’ sexually and intimately. I did consider asking her on the notion she was single and she was going through some stress. I did try to reconsider it, but again, I brush Amber’s idea aside. Amber continued sucking me for awhile, until she heard me sigh. So she stopped and persisted, “I think you should definitely reconsider it. If Megan is as mature as she has proven to be, and as sexually opened minded as she has said she is, then this is just a matter of asking her. It’s two adult friends sharing their feelings.”

I sighed, then thought, fine, I’ll ask her. So I texted the following. Note how Megan responded.

After she rejected my proposition, I never brought it up again. I also never talked to her about sex related topics after that, because the opportunity never came up again. As you read in that exchange, it was two adults who shared their thoughts. Megan rejected me, then thanked me for my honesty. I responded with a couple of emojis accepting her rejection. Two mature adults having a simple and respectable conversation for consent. I thought nothing more on that.

In mid April 2022, Megan blew up at everyone in the mutual gaming group when Reuben and I suggested we restart the Valheim server. She vehemently said no to a server restart, and even went as far as saying the server has been the most reliable, since no one else has been reliable for her. After she said that, there was a long bout of silence, as a few people in our common group messaged me with their displeasure. Basically, how could Megan say any of us are unreliable, when all we’ve done is include her in everything we’ve done? So I spoke up against her immature antics. I called her out on how any of us could be unreliable, when she hasn’t asked any of us for anything otherwise. Even then, I have gone above and beyond what has been asked of me, to make sure people have as much of an enjoyable experience they could in every game I’ve hosted on my home server. I even always ask Megan to join us for D&D games, and even ask her to join us on Discord whenever we have a group chat going.

^An excerpt of Megan’s attitude and behaviour during our group chat in mid April 2022.

Two weeks passed, and I reached out to Megan, asking how she was doing.

“Bumbed a bit”?!?!?! o_o She was like a bomb that went off in our group chat! That’s hardly ‘bumbed a bit’!

Regardless, we continued speaking about that until she told me the following.

At this point, I was absolutely stunned. I was at first shocked by what she said, because I was absolutely sure it was two adults who had a short and respectful conversation about consent. I asked. She rejected. I accept her rejection. She thanked me for being honest. I never brought it up again.

So what changed her mind? What made her lose her trust in me?

At that point, everything I thought about her – everything I believed in her crashed. I went from utter shock to utter disappointment.

Below is a continuance of what was said between us. Note that while my messages to her seem calm and collected, I was raging with disappointment.

To be clear, I apologized to Megan not because what I did was wrong. I apologized to Megan because if I had known she was not as emotionally mature, not as sexually open minded, not someone who doesn’t have issues with age differences, then I wouldn’t have propositioned to her. In short, I would not have become attracted to her in the first place. At most, I would have simply admired her growth.

Now, I want to emphasize on a few things that she said to me, that really upsetted me.

She said, “Like sorry if I fed into that or what, I just thought I finally get to be myself and share stuff. I saw it was sharing with your friends that are just your friends.”

What she said here bothered me. Firstly, yes it was just sharing with friends, as *I* was also sharing with my friend. I was sharing my thoughts and feelings with Megan, my friend.

Secondly, it’s like whatever I spoke to her about in February 2022 didn’t compute with her. I never felt like she fed me into anything. Instead, I thought she had proven to me that she was a dynamically emotionally mature individual who is sexually open minded, which means by that point, she had gained my trust. I only share these sort of thoughts and feelings with people I trust. It seems to me, that Megan suggests that trust and sharing things are mutually exclusive, which of course makes absolutely no fucking sense.

She said, “I think it’s the fact that you are also like 20 years older than me.”

This is how I realized she isn’t open minded, even when she originally said she was. I published an entry in My Thought Process page coinciding “Being Truly Open Minded” after Patrick told me about what his FWB said to him. I find that a lot of people say they are open minded, but really is very close minded. It seems they compare their open mindedness to the run-of-the-mill default missionary commoners, instead of comparing themselves with other open minded people.

Regardless, I wasn’t too upset about how Megan thought our age difference mattered, because by this point, I was too disappointed by her overall attitude and personality, that I was completely turned off anyway. As a reference point, I was 23 when I had a short term intimate relationship with a 57 year old woman. It was short term because we both wanted it that way due to her circumstances. At no point was our age difference an issue. I also had lovers that were 7-15 years older than me. Age was never an issue with us either. So reading Megan tell me my age was an actual problem, made me question how she can accept friendship with us 40+ year olds, but can’t have intimate, sexual, and/or romantic relationships with those same people.

Not long after that disappointing conversation, I tried my best to ‘go back to the way things were’, in the sense of speaking with her normally. To generously give my time out to help everyone, to help her. However, I find that not only am I totally turned off by her as a friend, but I have become even more turned off to the group itself. It’s no ones fault being the way each individual is or has become, but I feel like I am sacrificing my self worth so the group can stay sober, and fucking damn it to heaven, I hate this feeling of self-abandonment.

To be clear, I so desperately wish I don’t have these pseudo-negative feelings towards Megan. She can still be very lovable, very considerate in certain specific ways, and she’s still a cool cat. As one of our mutual friends had stated, Megan is still at an age where she’s still developing her brain. Hence, her maturity. However, even recognizing this, I have a hard time accepting what Megan said to me and more absolutely, how Megan thought of me.

I was once enchanted by her character growth and awkward charm. So it’s truly a shame I have since become quite resentful after being soured by the interaction we had. I said I am disappointed in Megan’s antics, but more than that, I am disappointed that I put my trust in her, just to have her turn it around on me. While I may be a bit paranoid here, it feels like Megan was initially cool about my rejected proposition, but perhaps she spoke to someone else about it, and their viewpoint influenced her to say the things she said to me. I might be grasping at straws here, trying to figure out why Megan did a one-eighty on me, but to this day, something just doesn’t feel right. Regardless, while I may not be inclined to assert my generosity towards Megan again, I certainly also do not wish her any ill will. I still hope she will thrive and grow. I still hope she can continue to mingle and feel safe with the GTS gang. However, as long as that’s happening, I personally feel dejected and neglected, which means I won’t be going back. At least, not in that Whatsapp group, which is our primary form of communication. I’m still on Discord for administrative purposes.

Amber and I had a short conversation the other day. It’s quite a daunting fact that I must sacrifice my own legitimacy and well being, so the group can stay alive. That I must be vague with everyone whom have asked me in private how I am doing, ever since I left the group, just to protect the sanctity of the group itself. In short, I’m staying quiet and away to deter drama.

 

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)