Thalia and I remember the events of 2012 differently. She only remembers one instance and within that instance, her version of what happened differed greatly. Now, everyone knows my long term memory is exquisitely detailed and I am more of a realist than a dreamer, meaning, I don’t just drum up make-belief perceptions of events, just to fit my rhetoric. That’s distasteful. Plus, I documented the events that happened as they happened over the course of 2012.
The following are excerpts from a larger offline journal I had kept during 2012 and 2013. They detailed the events that happened as they did, refined to do away with redundancy and convolution.
Early 2012
Thalia emailed me a photo of a fucked up painting of a celebrity. I responded with laughter. After a short back and forth, Thalia told me that in another life time, she would have allow me the pleasure of pleasuring her. Note that Thalia says a lot of things to me, often joking about sex, followed by something gross to help offset anything that might come off as being too serious. However, this time around, there was no joking, no gross stuff afterwards. It was literally just making fun of a painting, then she told me she wants me to pleasure her and we had a back and forth for a short while, before she had to do something else. At that point, I tried not to think much about it because I thought, “It’s Thalia. She’s just teasing as usual.” However, it was different this time. Her tone, the choice of words, the subject matter didn’t resemble anything she had done in the past.
February 2012
Some days passed and we met up. This night was definitely and very different than every other day and night I have ever had with Thalia. From the moment she entered my home, all the way to the moment we ended up Denny’s late at night, then back to my place again, to the moment she drove off, she was super sexual and we did a lot of sexually charged things.
When she first entered my home, she was super bubbly when she greeted me. I made a mental note and thought that was weird. She’s never bubbly with me and the most she has ever expressed towards me was comedic-friendliness. I beckoned her to go up the stairs first, as I almost always do with all of my guests. As she walked up the stairs, I noticed her swag. She accentuated the way her ass looked while walking up the stairs. She even looked back at me and smiled. I raised an eyebrow, then we entered my room. For the most part, she was just happy to see me and we talked for about two hours, before I suggested we go to Denny’s.
After she parked and before we exited the car, she did something super out of character. She looked over at me from the driver side seat and smiled at me. I raised both of my eyebrows and smiled a little back at her. Before I could say anything, she opened the door and went out. I followed suit. Inside Denny’s, she sat across from me away from the main section of the restaurant. About 15 minutes into the evening, I noticed her bare foot against my crotch. At first, I was taken aback and glared at her, “What the hell are you doing?” She had a perverted look on her face, and continued to massage my crotch with her toes. Then the waitress came over, and she calmed down a bit. Right when the waitress walked away, she thrusted her foot between my legs again. This time, I caught it and tickled her feet.
Thalia remarked, “You don’t like it when I do that?”
I responded, “I don’t really know what’s happening actually.”
Thalia continued to grin at me while wiggling her toes on my now-fully grown boner. I let her rub her toes against my boner through my pants for awhile, as I slowly allowed my hands to touch and caress her foot. They weren’t rough but not soft either. Just kind of normal and warm. The food came and she stopped doing it. However, throughout the rest of our time there, she was very touchy feely and she kept stealing my food, which I didn’t mind. She was being super playful, very bubbly, and was just overall very happy being with me. I still had no idea what was going on. Afterwards, as we went back to her car, before she opened her door, she looked across the roof of her car at me and smiled again. I smiled back and shrugged. When she parked her car back at my place, she made sure her stick shift was in park, then reached over with the same hand, and placed it over my left hand that was on my thigh. Again, she smiled at me and I smiled back.
Throughout the rest of the night, she asked me about the different sex positions I’ve done and enjoyed. In one instance, I told her I like doggy style. She let me lead her around the room. She willingly let me place her over the foot stool. She bent over and I went right behind her. I rubbed myself against her ass. I dry-humped her. We were clothed the entire night. I held her from behind and put my hands under her shirt, then ran my hands up her body, caressing her bare skin. I caressed the underside of her breasts and asked if I could squeeze them. She immediately said yes. So I lightly slid my palms very slightly over her nipples barely touching them and they felt very pointy, but at the very last moment, decided not to massage her breasts and moved my hands away.
She told me she liked missionary because she likes to feel close to her lover. So I asked her to lie down on the floor and I spread her legs apart, then went on top of her. She wrapped her legs around me and I dried humped her. I turned my head towards her and she looked at me. Our eyes were locked for a moment and I kissed her face, then I kissed her neck. I looked at her again and her eyes were closed. I stared at her lips and wanted badly to kiss her there too, but I chickened out and kissed the corner of her mouth and whispered, “Sorry.” She responded in a whisper, “That’s okay.” I said sorry because I thought I crossed the line, even though we already crossed the line and into the next field already.
Throughout the rest of the night, it followed the same pattern. We had ‘dry sex’ without penetration and fully clothed. When my face was close to hers, we would brush the corners of our mouths with each other, but never directly kissed each others’ lips. Near the end of the night, she frantically looked around for a vibrator I had, while she stared at me with yearning in her eyes, for me to fuck the shit out of her. She kept staring at me with this, “WTF! WHY AREN’T YOU FUCKING ME?!” expression. I was so super torn.
After she masturbated in my bedroom, she came back over to the computer room and told me she should go home. I walked her to her car, and we hugged for awhile. This is something we never did prior to this.
The next day, I saw a post from her on Facebook with tons of likes from her friends and family members. She uploaded a post thanking her partner for being amazing. I blankly stared at it and scrolled away.
Spring 2012
About two months after that, Thalia and I saw each other a lot more frequently. On most days with me, she wasn’t just a flirt. She was touchy feely. On some days, she tried to be her usual normal self, but it almost always ended up with her teasing me and masturbating in my bedroom. Most of those times, she would try to get me to make ‘the first move’. For example, she would be wearing something with a little more cleavage than usual, and she would lean downward more often. In those instances, she always looked up at me and smiled. In all of those instances, she would pose her body a certain way, always trying to entice me, and always getting very close to me. The reason we never got naked, was because as I mentioned, I was afraid of the consequences. Thalia certainly has never forbade me from undressing her or touching her. She has permitted me to caress her breasts, but on all occasions, I chickened out and only brushed up slightly against her breasts or caressed the side of her upper body. I have touched her inner thighs. I have squeezed her ass. The corners of our mouths have touched, without direct kissing or making out. She allowed me to place my fingers on her lips and slide them across her mouth while she stared at me naughtily. I tried my best not to take it too far, but I very much wanted to.
Early Summer 2012
On a different occasion near the end of Summer of early Autumn, she came to my place in the late afternoon. She wore tight white shorts, a white t-shirt with an unbutton top few buttons, a white visor and tied up a pony tail. Her hair looked very silky too, different than it usually is. She also put on some light make-up, and her lips were a creamy pink and my fucking god, I wanted to kiss her so badly right then and there. She parked her car and I walked right up to her. She smiled and I smiled back, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. There was a ‘glow’ to her. She also smelled very nice. I did something I normally wouldn’t do in the brightness of day, fearing she would get seen by someone that knew her. I hugged her openly. I couldn’t help myself. I really wanted to hold her and Thalia let me. She held me like my ex girlfriends held me, femininely but firmly and she had her head on my shoulder. I hugged her tightly and told her she looked and smelled very good. I rare see her being feminine, and that day, she was super feminine.
That evening, we spent the entire night in my computer room. Except no direct sexual teasing. Instead, she was very close to me. Instead of sitting across from me like she often did, she either sat next to me, or sat on the ground with me, with parts of our body touching. I let her lean on me and my heart was pounding super fast at first, but she would look up at me with her mouth slightly opened, like she wanted me to kiss her and my heart felt like it stopped. I stared at her, using every will I had left, to hold myself back and after about 30 seconds, she smiled softly, then looked away again, while still leaning on me. To this day, I wish I had, but I was afraid of hurting her for whatever reason. I had hurt other women before her, but Thalia was different than those other women.
Thalia was different because I loved her, truly.
It was late in the night when she got a call from her partner. Her partner worked late and wanted to have a late dinner with her. At first, she hesitated and told him that she was getting tired, while glancing at me every few moments. Then she hung up, made an ‘ugh’ expression and told me she had to go have dinner with him. She said she might not be able to come back here later. However, I stared at her, while fondling her hands, and insisted that she came back here. I told her I really wanted to see her again that night. She smiled and told me she will come back here.
She did come back here two hours later. We spent another 3-ish hours until around 3am together. We spent most of those 3 hours just being close and cuddly. We talked about things. There was another moment where we could have kissed, but I just stared and smiled. She always smiled back, but always followed with a quick saddened disappointed look. Before she went home, we had a super long tight hug. I remember she drove off and waited for the gate to open and looked back at me. She waved and I waved and she drove away.
Mid Summer 2012
She texted me a few times from her home. She told me she wish she could see me and I called her immediately. She picked up the phone after the first ring. She took her call out in the patio. THIS was the call that I had hoped our future 2018 call would be based off of, and to explain the reasons why I didn’t ‘go to first, second and third base with her’. To cut that sad conversation short, I told her that I loved everything we did and everything she tried to motivate me to do. I told her I understood she still needed me to make the first move. That if our situations were different, I would have stripped her naked and make love to her. I told her that I would have loved to fuck her brains out, in which Thalia responded that she would have loved me to do that too. I told her that she made me feel special, in the days she was emotionally vulnerable and allowed herself to open up to me. I told her that if she and I weren’t in our specific situations, this would have been a no brainer. I wasn’t trying to be an altruistic White Knight. I wasn’t trying to be morally inclined self righteous asshat. What if we really fell in love for all of the wrong reasons? She was going through tough times in her home life, and while I did have major feelings for her and want to have lots of sex with her, daily, hourly, the thing is, I was terrified of hurting her. The consequences of us going through with everything, having sex, falling in love… I was not emotionally mature enough to deal with any of it, let alone make love to Thalia emotionally and physically, even when I wanted to.
It was this one conversation we had, that etched this period of my life coinciding her, into my psyche. She reminded me of Virginia. She knew I wanted her and I knew she needed me. As time went on, during 2012 and 2013, sometimes, that desire for her became so heavy, that it turned into a need. There has been many times, I wanted to just take her right then and there, but I didn’t.
At the end of that call in 2012, although I said all of that, I suddenly became overwhelmed with grief and regret, so I suddenly told Thalia, “Wait, no I can’t! I need to see you now. Can we meet?”
Thalia perked up suddenly in her tone, but then just as quick, died down gloomily, “You want to see me?! But I can’t. He’s here, in the other room.”
I frantically asked again, bordering on demanding, “Please, forget what I said, I really want to see you. How about I come by and we meet downstairs at the park?”
Anyway, she didn’t want to draw suspicion, so we didn’t see each other. Thalia’s voice over the phone was so soft and comforting, even though she sounded sad. It was at moments like this, in the past, with all of my ex girlfriends, where I ‘got them’ or they ‘got me’ because I was either too cold to care initially, or too full of myself and hurt them, but then they show an absolute sincerity where my heart completely melted and broke down. With Thalia, I was pretty sure I could ‘get her’ and she could have ‘gotten me’ if we saw each other that night.
Late Summer 2012
Around this time, she was trying to patch things up with her partner, trying to make things work. For the next while, Thalia and I saw each other less. Though she did show up at my door twice when my parents were in Hong Kong. The first time she came over, she looked uneasy and like she was in a hurry. She sat down across from me, spoke in a more hurried tone, then barely an hour into meeting with me, she asked if she could use my vibrator, then rushed off into my bedroom and buzzed herself to orgasm. Afterwards, she hung out for about 15 minutes and left. She was colder with me here.
The second time was one day before my parents came back from Hong Kong. She came over again, teased me to no end, then asked if she could go to my bedroom to masturbate. As she walked through the computer room door, she turned around, faced me and said, “Do you want to come watch me?”
At first, I responded, “Okay.” but Thalia didn’t hear me clearly, so she asked, “What?”, but again, I chickened out and said, “Never mind. Just go do your thing.” Afterwards, she came back and she told me she came twice, while staring at me with disappointment.
By now, I figured she finally gave up on the notion we would ever do anything. Her attitude towards me was reverting back to how it used to be prior to February 2012 and this made me sad. I was at fault of course, but still, I enjoyed the little I had of her.
Late 2012
By now, things were almost back to normal, except one evening. Somehow she got into a massive fight with her partner and she ended up back at my place. For the first few hours, she was just ranting and venting. Then very suddenly, she stopped ranting and venting. She just stared at me and shifted her attention to what I had to say. Normally, whenever she asks me for advice, the doesn’t really listen. She asks, just because, I surmise, to help her feel less guilty of taking up someone’s time, by giving them the illusion they can contribute something into her life. Regardless, as I said my piece, she just stared at me while I was silent in thought. I realized she was staring at me and I smiled awkwardly and asked, “What?”
She smiled back and asked if she could use my vibrator again. However, this time, she was bolder than usual. This time, she asked if I wanted to join her. I wanted to so badly. I wanted to pound Thalia so badly. I knew it was probably my last chance and again, like every other time, I rejected her advance. She sighed loudly this time and she jumped out of her chair, and disappeared into my bedroom. Afterwards, she was a definitely cold towards me. She told me she had to leave. At the front door, she said, “I can walk back to the car by myself.” Almost every other time, she wanted me to walk her out because she’s afraid of the dark and in the recent months, because we always hugged before she left. I felt my heart break at the moment, but I did something that I am glad I did even all of the things I didn’t do. The moment she walked through the front door, I grabbed her wrist and she quickly looked back at me without a word. I took a step forward, stared right into her eyes and whispered, “Thalia, I’m sorry.” Then kissed her hand slowly and gently.
She just stared at me with what looked like a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, empathy, and stress. Then I walked her to her car, holding her hand. We walked slower to her car, stopped a couple of times briefly and continued. At her car, I held both of her hands, one in each of mine, and we just stared at each other. I sighed and she sighed, then giggled a bit. Then I hugged her one last time and told her a good night. She drove off, looked back at me once before the gate fully opened, waved to each other and she left.
Sometime in mid 2013
Not long after, she got her life in order very abruptly, everything started falling into place and she was going places. Pretty much immediately, we stopped seeing each other like we did. She literally just pushed me aside and focused on her life and her partner. It went from “I want to see you [hug] [stare longingly]” to “Yeah, things are really happening [laugh] [fart] [joke], so what’s going on with you these days bromo? How is Amber doing?” I was honestly quite crestfallen. I knew it was a matter of time. I wished I had at least shared a proper kiss with her, but now, it was game over, and so life goes on as-is.
On two separate occasions, I have tried to address the events of 2012 with Thalia on the hope that our conversation would be similar to the one we had at the end of the summer of 2012. That conversation, while sad, was my most memorable one of her. It was the sweetest one. It was warm, intimate, and emotional. She spoke to me with a soft gentle voice. Her words melted my heart. Her feelings pierced me from afar.
Alas, it was not so. In the first conversation that happened in 2018, she basically gaslighted me. She arrogantly and confidently told me that I interpreted everything wrong. That she was just being a tease. Mind you, I never brought up any of the details that happened throughout 2012, because after hearing her speak on the phone like that for the first two minutes, I realized that this was a simple case of the ‘winner’ rewriting history. I was ‘clearly’ the victim of ‘reading too much into everything’. I gradually saw her less the friend that I once respected, and more so the acquaintance that had zero accountability. She spoke so adamantly and matter-of-factually. She dismissed me simply and easily, not taking into account who I am or was. I was literally just one of the many dudes in her life that lived in fantasy. It was here that I started to resent her and my friendship with her started to break down further into the superficial parts.
Two years went by, and I no longer saw her or spoke with her much. I had other stuff to take care of. However, eventually, I felt that either I continue to allow the resentment to further rot our friendship, or try to respectfully address it with her again. Since we hadn’t spoken with each other for awhile, for any reason, I thought of taking a different approach to bringing 2012 up again. Mind you, things like this stress me out a lot. I spent days writing a letter I could base my conversation off of. Then eventually reached out to Thalia. When she received my request, she was fine with it. However, two weeks had passed and I heard nothing back. So I responded back calmly, but firmly with another request. She blew up at me in text, saying she’s super stressed out and her relative just passed away. HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT IF SHE DIDN’T COMMUNICATE THAT WITH ME PREVIOUSLY?!?! She proceeded to lecture me with Bible verses on behaviour. It wasn’t just snarky, but disrespectful. Somehow, she didn’t see me as Leeman. She saw me as an ungrateful hog who was trying to stress her out more. So I left it for a few days, which she eventually messaged me back to schedule a time to talk.
Our second conversation happened in October 2020. At first, she was being a bit short with me, but somehow, after I calmly read my letter to her, she stopped being short and dismissive. While the letter was about 2012 and my feelings thereafter, the focus of this conversation was more about our special connection. This came after I told her that Amber and I had opened up our marriage. Thalia and I left that “special” part of “special connection” vague. She told me about her broken relationship with Amelia parallel to her relationship with Daffodil and what she had done or considered doing. On one hand, she wants me to understand and accept her current position, but on the other hand, she doesn’t want to absolutely cut off the possibility of us being in ‘a situation’ in the future. She made it vague, but not so vague as to misinterpret her words. In short, it seems she won’t make a move like she did back in 2012, but she would consider it if I made a move.
Regardless, the mishaps along the way, at the very least, our friendship is healing. These days, Thalia can be quite volatile, defensive, easily triggered, and snarky. While she may deflect that as being near or during her time of the month, I believe it’s more than that. It’s the super amount of stress she’s getting from all angles of her life, and having an unhelpful partner just multiplies that stress. I must learn how to be a better friend first, before I try anything else with her.