There has been many versions of this blog post, published and taken down multiple times over the last four years since 2016. The reason why I had such a difficult time with this blog post, was because I felt betrayed and abandoned by Pascale, yet I am still friends with her today. I had major resentment towards her for years, from 2013 onward. It wasn’t until last year that this resentment imploded on itself, creating a void of sorts. That void filled up and healed in a conversation I had with Pascale a year ago in October, which was her most honest one to date.
Pascale and I had three conversations about our pseudo 2012 intimate rendezvous.
The first conversation happened near the end of the summer of 2012. That conversation was our most sweetest one. It was warm, it was intimate, and it was emotional. The second conversation happened in 2018. That one was the opposite of our 2012 summer conversation about closeness and desire. In the 2018 conversation, she basically told me that I interpreted everything wrong and that she was just being a tease. While she did say she thought of me while she masturbated back then, ultimately, that wasn’t new at all, because from 2012 to 2013, Pascale had told me a lot more than that one thing. Then the third conversation happened in October 2020, but this time, it wasn’t about the events of 2012 to 2013. Instead, the focus was more about our special connection. This came after I told her that Amber and I had opened up our marriage. Pascale and I left that “special” part of “special connection” vague, but I am totally fine with that. Some things don’t need to be spelled out so precisely. We are foremostly friends. So with that notion in mind, I need to foremostly respect our relationship as friends who have a certain level of understanding and acceptance.
The following are excerpts from a larger offline journal entry I had kept during 2012 and 2013. They detailed the events that happened as they did, refined to do away with redundancy and convolution.
Early 2012
Pascale emailed me a photo of a fucked up painting of a celebrity. I responded with laughter. After a short back and forth, Pascale told me that in another life time, she would have allow me the pleasure of pleasuring her. Note that Pascale says a lot of things to me, often joking about sex, followed by something gross to help offset anything that might come off as being too serious. However, this time around, there was no joking, no gross stuff afterwards. It was literally just making fun of a painting, then she told me she wants me to pleasure her and we had a back and forth for a short while, before she had to do something else. At that point, I tried not to think much about it because I thought, “It’s Pascale. She’s just teasing as usual.” However, it was different this time. Her tone, the choice of words, the subject matter didn’t resemble anything she had done in the past.
February 2012
Some days passed and we met up. This night was definitely and very different than every other day and night I have ever had with Pascale. From the moment she entered my home, all the way to the moment we ended up Denny’s late at night, then back to my place again, to the moment she drove off, she was super sexual and we did a lot of sexually charged things. She asked me what the different sex positions are like. In one instance, I told her I like doggy style. She let me lead her around the room. She willingly let me place her over the foot stool. She bent over and I went right behind her. I rubbed myself against her ass. I ‘fucked’ her without penetration. We were clothed the entire night. I held her from behind and put my hands under her shirt, then ran my hands up her body, caressing her bare skin. I caressed the underside of her breasts and asked if I could squeeze them. She immediately said yes. So I lightly slid my palms over her nipples, but at the very last moment, decided not to massage her breasts.Then I took my hands out and she told me she liked missionary because she likes to feel close to her lover. So I asked her to lie down on the floor and I spread her legs apart, then went on top of her. She wrapped her legs around me and I dried humped her. I turned my head towards her and she looked at me. Our eyes were locked for a moment and I kissed her face, then I kissed her neck. I looked at her again and her eyes were closed. I stared at her lips and wanted badly to kiss her there too, but I chickened out and kissed the corner of her mouth and whispered, “Sorry.” She responded in a whisper, “That’s okay.” I said sorry because I thought I crossed the line, even though we already crossed the line and into the next field already.
Throughout the rest of the night, it followed the same pattern. We had ‘dry sex’ without penetration and fully clothed. When my face was close to hers, we would brush the corners of our mouths with each other, but never directly kissed each others’ lips. Near the end of the night, she frantically looked around for a vibrator I had, while she stared at me with yearning in her eyes, for me to fuck the shit out of her. She kept staring at me with this, “WTF! WHY AREN’T YOU FUCKING ME?!” expression. I was so super torn.
After she masturbated in my bedroom, she came back over to the computer room and told me she should go home. I walked her to her car, and we hugged for awhile. This is something we never did prior to this.
The next day, I saw a post from her on Facebook with tons of likes from her friends and family members. She uploaded a post thanking her partner for being amazing. I blankly stared at it and scrolled away.
Spring 2012
About two months after that, Pascale and I saw each other a lot more frequently. It had gotten really bad with her partner. On most days with me, she wasn’t just a flirt. She was touchy feely. On some days, she tried to be her usual normal self, but it almost always ended up with her teasing me and masturbating in my bedroom. Most of those times, she would try to get me to make ‘the first move’. The reason we never got naked, was because as I mentioned, I was afraid of the consequences. Pascale certainly has never forbade me from undressing her or touching her. She has permitted me to caress her breasts, but on all occasions, I chickened out and caressed the sides of her breasts instead. I have touched her inner thighs. I have squeezed her ass. The corners of our mouths have touched, without direct kissing or making out. She allowed me to stick my fingers in her mouth and she sucked on them, while staring at me naughtily. I tried my best not to take it too far, but I very much wanted to. Pascale was my friend. I didn’t want to hurt her and I didn’t want long lasting consequences stemming from what we wanted to do.
Early Summer 2012
On a different occasion near the end of Summer of early Autumn, she came to my place in the late afternoon. She wore tight white shorts, a white t-shirt with an unbutton top few buttons, a white visor and tied up a pony tail. Her hair looked very silky too, different than it usually is. She also put on some light make-up, and her lips were a creamy pink and my fucking god, I wanted to kiss her so badly right then and there. She parked her car and I walked right up to her. She smiled and I smiled back, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. There was a ‘glow’ to her. She also smelled very nice. I did something I normally wouldn’t do in the brightness of day, fearing she would get seen by someone that knew her. I hugged her openly. I couldn’t help myself. I really wanted to hold her and Pascale let me. She held me like my ex girlfriends held me, femininely but firmly and she had her head on my shoulder. I hugged her tightly and told her she looked very good.That evening, we spent the entire night in my computer room. Except no direct sexual teasing. Instead, she was very close to me. Instead of sitting across from me like she often did, she either sat next to me, or sat on the ground with me, with parts of our body touching. I let her lean on me and my heart was pounding super fast at first, but she would look up at me with her mouth slightly opened, like she wanted me to kiss her and my heart felt like it stopped. I stared at her, using every will I had left, to hold myself back and after about 30 seconds, she smiled softly, then looked away again, while still leaning on me. To this day, I wish I had, but I was afraid of hurting her for whatever reason. I had hurt other women before her, but Pascale was different than those other women.
It was late in the night when she got a call from her partner. Her partner worked late and wanted to have a late dinner with her. At first, she hesitated and told him that she was getting tired, while glancing at me every few moments. Then she hung up, made an ‘ugh’ expression and told me she had to go have dinner with him. She said she might not be able to come back here later. However, I stared at her, while fondling her hands, and insisted that she came back here. I told her I really wanted to see her again that night. She smiled and told me she will come back here.
She did come back here two hours later. We spent another 3-ish hours until around 3am together. We spent most of those 3 hours just being close and cuddly. We talked about things. There was another moment where we could have kissed, but I just stared and smiled. She always smiled back, but always followed with a quick saddened disappointed look. Before she went home, we had a super long tight hug. I remember she drove off and waited for the gate to open and looked back at me. She waved and I waved and she drove away.
Mid Summer 2012
She texted me a few times from her home. She told me she wish she could see me and I called her immediately. She picked up the phone after the first ring. She took her call out in the patio. THIS was the call that I had hoped our future 2018 call would be based off of, and to explain the reasons why I didn’t ‘go to first, second and third base with her’. To cut that sad conversation short, I told her that I loved everything we did and everything she tried to motivate me to do. I told her I understood she still needed me to make the first move. That if our situations were different, I would have stripped her naked and make love to her. I told her that I would have loved to fuck her brains out, in which Pascale responded that she would have loved me to do that too. I told her that she made me feel special, in the days she was emotionally vulnerable and allowed herself to open up to me. I told her that if she and I weren’t in our specific situations, this would have been a no brainer. I wasn’t trying to be an altruistic White Knight. I wasn’t trying to be morally inclined self righteous asshat. I was honestly just scared what the consequences of us doing anything would do in our existing relationships. What if we really fell in love for all of the wrong reasons? She was going through tough times in her home life, and while I did have major feelings for her and want to have lots of sex with her, daily, hourly, the thing is, we were friends foremostly. The consequences of us going through with everything, having sex, falling in love, then her going through the whole process of being in an ‘alternate relationship’ with me, to her family members that respected her, to the overall chemistry we had as her best male friend, while I juggled with the problems in my existing long distance relationship at the time – it was all such a massive convoluted emotional mess of things. I was not emotionally mature enough to deal with any of it, let alone make love to Pascale emotionally and physically, even when I wanted to.It was this one conversation we had, that etched this period of my life coinciding her, into my brain and emotional psyche. She reminded me of Virginia. She knew I wanted her and I knew she needed me. As time went on, during 2012 and 2013, sometimes, that desire for her became so heavy, that it turned into a need. There has been many times, I wanted to just take her right then and there, but I didn’t.
At the end of that call in 2012, although I said all of that, I suddenly became overwhelmed with grief and regret, so I suddenly told Pascale, “Wait, no I can’t! I need to see you now. Can we meet?”
Pascale perked up suddenly in her tone, but then just as quick, died down gloomily, “You want to see me?! But I can’t. He’s here, in the other room.”
I frantically asked again, bordering on demanding, “Please, forget what I said, I really want to see you. How about I come by and we meet downstairs at the park?”
Anyway, she didn’t want to draw suspicion, so we didn’t see each other. Pascale’s voice over the phone was so soft and comforting, even though she sounded sad. It was at moments like this, in the past, with all of my ex girlfriends, where I ‘got them’ or they ‘got me’ because I was either too cold to care initially, or too full of myself and hurt them, but then they show an absolute sincerity where my heart completely melts and breaks down. With Pascale, I was pretty sure I could ‘get her’ and she could have ‘gotten me’ if we saw each other that night.
Late Summer 2012
Around this time, she was trying to patch things up with her partner, trying to make things work. For the next while, Pascale and I saw each other less. Though she did show up at my door twice when my parents were in Hong Kong. The first time she came over, she looked uneasy and like she was in a hurry. She sat down across from me, spoke in a more hurried tone, then barely an hour into meeting with me, she asked if she could use my vibrator, then rushed off into my bedroom and buzzed herself to orgasm. Afterwards, she hung out for about 15 minutes and left. She was colder with me here.The second time was one day before my parents came back from Hong Kong. She came over again, teased me to no end, then asked if she could go to my bedroom to masturbate. As she walked through the computer room door, she turned around, faced me and said, “Do you want to come watch me?”
At first, I responded, “Okay.” but Pascale didn’t hear me clearly, so she asked, “What?”, but again, I chickened out and said, “Never mind. Just go do your thing.” Afterwards, she came back and she told me she came twice, while staring at me with disappointment.
By now, I figured she finally gave up on the notion we would ever do anything. Her attitude towards me was reverting back to how it used to be prior to February 2012 and this made me sad. I was at fault of course, but still, I enjoyed the little I had of her.
Early 2013
By now, things were almost back to normal, except one evening. Somehow she got into a massive fight with her partner and she ended up back at my place. For the first few hours, she was just ranting and venting. Then very suddenly, she stopped ranting and venting. She just stared at me and shifted her attention to what I had to say. Normally, whenever she asks me for advice, the doesn’t really listen. She asks, just because, I surmise, to help her feel less guilty of taking up someone else’s time, by giving them the illusion they have can contribute something into her life. Regardless, as I said my piece, she just stared at me while I was silent in thought. I realized she was staring at me and I smiled awkwardly and asked, “What?”She smiled back and asked if she could use my vibrator again. However, this time, she was bolder than usual. This time, she asked if I wanted to join her. I wanted to so badly. I wanted to pound Pascale so badly. I knew it was probably my last chance and again, like every other time, I rejected her advance. She sighed loudly this time and she jumped out of her chair, and disappeared into my bedroom. Afterwards, she was a definitely cold towards me. She told me she had to leave. At the front door, she said, “I can walk back to the car by myself.” Almost every other time, she wanted me to walk her out because she’s afraid of the dark and in the recent months, because we always hugged before she left. I felt my heart break at the moment, but I did something that I am glad I did even all of the things I didn’t do. The moment she walked through the front door, I grabbed her wrist and she quickly looked back at me without a word. I took a step forward, put my other hand around her waist and pulled her toward me. I gave her a long loving hug and I kissed her neck, then place my hands on either side of her face, kissed one side of her face, then the other side of her face and just as I was about to kiss her lips, I stopped, and stared right into her eyes and whispered, “Pascale. I’m sorry.” Then kissed her forehead slowly and gently.
She just stared at me with what looked like a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, empathy, and stress. Then I walked her to her car, holding her hand. We walked slower to her car, stopped a couple of times briefly and continued. At her car, I held both of her hands, one in each of mine, and we just stared at each other. I sighed and she sighed, then giggled a bit. Then I hugged her one last time and told her a good night. She drove off, looked back at me once before the gate fully opened, waved to each other and she left.
From Summer 2013 to Mid 2014
A few months after that, she got her life in order very abruptly, everything started falling into place and she was going places. Pretty much immediately, we stopped seeing each other like we did. She literally just pushed me aside and focused on her life and her partner. It went from “I want to see you [hug] [stare longingly]” to “Yeah, things are really happening [laugh] [fart] [joke], so what’s going on with you these days bro? How is Amber doing?”.
Pascale in 2012 was the Pascale I loved, whom she also had strong feelings for me. It’s unfortunate that after getting her life in order, even as close as we were prior and during that period, Pascale chose to conveniently forget everything, or twist it around so it mitigated whatever feelings of guilt she may have. Couldn’t she just own up to it? I feel like I protected her all that time, for not responding the way my hard cock wanted me to, for naught.
It took me awhile, but at least we’re still friends. We both know we will always have a special thing, but honestly, it’s not enough for me, because almost everything she said afterwards was so dishonest. I would like to excuse her by convincing myself that she has terrible memory, but somehow of all of the things that happened, she remembers clearly that first night in February 2012, I chickened out in massaging her bare breasts when she consented me to. How could she have such selective memory?
Anyway, as said in a different blog, which has since been deleted, I won’t be pursuing Pascale for any further intimacy. She prefers to continue to stress herself out for the life she has chosen, just to keep herself promptly in denial. “Just a few more years until they’re 18” is what Pascale said to me last time we had a deep personal conversation.
[sigh]
