There is no doubt in my heart, that Amber is the one.
I once believed that if a relationship of true love existed, then there would be very little hindrances and problems along the way. What I failed to realize was that we’re all human beings with an infinite amount of issues within each of us. Which meant that no matter how much we want to love, how much we give love and how much we receive love, at the end of the day, love doesn’t resolve the turmoils each of us have.
What I learned, after all of these years, past relationships and unrelated experiences is that the relationships we create, thus the dynamics created in process of them is what we should really look at. We should not expect that just because you’re in a loving relationship, that all of our individual problems will miraculously go away. They won’t and they shouldn’t.
Instead, each of us should look at what each person brings to the relationship and how those things help each other. For me, it took me a long time through a lot of ache to realize this.
In an utopian lifestyle, we’re all robots with one single mind. We’re all equal and we all do things equally. The reality is that we’re all different. We’re all unequal. We all have our bad and good traits, as well as everything in between and around. We’re complicated, as well as simple. We’re a constant contradiction of ideals, principles, morals, desires and deeds. The only thing that make each of us make sense, is the people we allow into our lives. These other people help each of us figure out life and how each of us, as individuals fit into it. Sometimes, we don’t even fit in and that’s no problem. Sometimes, we realize that in fact, we have to help expand the world, so we can fit in. Perhaps another way of looking at this is that we expand the world, so the world can fit in with us.
I suddenly felt like apologizing. I just thought of Amber’s smiling face and I got teary eyed.
Amber doesn’t deserve me. Not because she doesn’t deserve good things. It is in fact, that she does not deserve someone like me, who is so full of bullshit. I want to say I am wrong for her, but I am not. Our dynamics work. What doesn’t work is me. I have so many mental, emotional and physical ailments that make me the biggest burden. While she has her faults, her mental complexities and worldly obstacles, at the end of the day, there really isn’t much wrong with her. I think she’s perfect the way she is. I just have a problem with the way the world is. I just have a problem with me.
Unfortunately, I am my father’s son. My father was cruel, when we were young. He was abusive and he was short tempered. To cut a very long and arduous story short. I have been conditioned to behave like him. Though I was not nearly as toxic and abusive. However, my temper, while not short, has become much worst than him. If my dad’s temper was a volcano, my temper was a super nova.
On the easier side of things, I took on my mother’s early life stance. She was shy, kept her feelings to herself most of the time, perceptive on all of the negative things, and while she barely protected my brother and I, she always tried to console us afterwards in whatever way she felt was possible. Though I was not nearly as passive as my mother. If I saw injustice, I would often times stand up for myself. However, my mother was more courageous than I, even if she was way less confident than me. This isn’t a contradiction. She didn’t think of herself much, but she swallowed her fears and lead her life onto a path that would help give her sons a better life than the one she had. I get teary eyed, for all of the things my mom went through.
To give you context, I am mostly the way I am because of my parents. I evolved very slowly and even through that evolution, I am still unable to shed away most the atrocities raging inside of me. I am a different person on the inside, than the one you see and interact with on the outside. Though a select few people have met me, the real me. I am not saying what you see and have communicate with is fake. What I am saying is that what you see and speak with is a very filtered version of me.
That’s why since the beginning of our relationship, I have taught Amber to protect herself, to use whatever means was necessary to make herself clear and confident. Of course, it takes more than just words. It took a lot of arguments and a lot of verbal abuse on my part. I was terrible and I regret almost all of it. The one bit that I don’t regret, is that at the very least, she became a much better person. She became a much stronger person. She became the person that woke me up from the monstrosity that was the nightmare I was living in. She has helped me become a gentler person, a calmer person, a better individual. While I am certainly far from being the best version of myself today, Amber allowed me the opportunity to see that I am not only a demon. She gave me the opportunity to recognize that I am not just darkness, shrouded in a heart of burning cinder. Amber gave me the opportunity to see that love does exist. Amber was willing to walk through the calamity of my mind and the quakes of my heart, to reach into me, to hold me with care from within. She was cold, cooling to the touch and this felt like home. She felt like home. She makes me feel like I am always home.
Amber, the love of my life, the rock of our family, is a miracle. This said, I am truly, sincerely afraid of losing her. My darling, my sunshine, my love.