I am ashamed of myself, that I was being abusive towards Amber on Saturday, May 30th, 2020. Soon after Amber came home, I firstly calmly expressed my distaste for her lack of progress after her Power Week in the previous week, where she woke up earlier than usual, worked out, had breakfast together, went to work, came home, worked out again, ate dinner, and posted a nightly blog post for six days straight. I was proud of her for her test week, but because of her lack of progression after that, I confronted her firstly, assertively, but later gradually, aggressively.
She was completely beatened in spirit and emotionally, broken. At the end of the nearly two hour critical assessment I did of her, I demanded I draw a pink square on her forehead. At first, she thought I was joking, but through my calm hostile demeanor, she realized it was not a simple demand, but she either yielded or I give up on her. So she gave in and allowed me to draw a pink square on her forehead, filled it in, like the pink squares she filled in on her Sticky Door of Tasks to mark the ones that have the highest priority. I took a picture of her, along with the tasks she needed to do. I told her, “I will post this online on social media when you have failed yet again. If people say I am being abusive, I honestly don’t give a fat fuck about it.”
I had forgotten about this particular thing I did, though that evening was still on the back of my mind as a blur. After that evening, everything else seemed fine from Sunday evening onward. That is, until moments ago, where I was going through some pictures of my aquarium stand for an Amazon review and Windows Photo Viewer loaded that photo I took of Amber standing in front of the Sticky Door of Tasks, with a pink filled in square on her forehead, looking quite unhappy. This was when she still had long hair tied up into a pony tail.
She mentioned in the middle of that one-way criticism I made of her, that it felt like a punch in the gut, after the previous day when we had a productively fun day. I have to admit, that I completely forgot about the day previously and when she mentioned it, I was surprised I had forgotten. Secretly, I was sad that I just realized the previous day was fun and that today – the day I criticized her, I knew what I was doing was ‘too much’, yet I kept going, because it felt good to have power. It felt good to have control over her whims and emotions. However, even then, I regretted it all the same as it happened.
Moments ago, when I saw that photo of her being unhappy and upset, my heart sank. So I decided to cast myself on here as the shameful abusive asshole. I will give her a hug later and apologize. I am slowly, but steadily going through a process of changing my behaviour. This has been going on for the length of our relationship in the last ten years. Mind you, we had a moment yesterday evening, when I read her “Amber’s Song“. She loved that blog post, because it answered one question that had haunted her for a long time, that prior to it, I had never brought up and she had never asked. Her own rhetoric was, “Would Leeman even care, if I had left? Would he fight for me to stay, or will he tell me to go fuck myself?” I explained, after I read her my blog post, which we both teared up and cried half way through, that there is the part of me that is heavily influenced by my father’s abusive conditioning when I was a child. Then there is the part of me that is me, the individual that has been trying to break myself out of that abusive conditioning.
While normally, I would strongly advise people to leave their abusive partners, because abuse is very difficult to shed, I appreciate with all of my heart and being, that Amber has stuck with me for as long as she has. If this was any other person, with the same relationship dynamics, I am 100% certain that person would have left me within the first or second year of our relationship. Amber is truly a miracle and I am evolving into being a better husband and friend. Without her, I would still have been the same person as I was in my 20’s – angry, frustrated, easily stressed, manipulative, judgmental. Amber is helping me become a better person for being such an amazing person herself.