Relationship Advice

Nothing is ever good enough for my husband

The question was originally posted here, “I just want love but all I get is criticism. Nothing is ever good enough for my husband.” However, because I was not posting from my original account, which I was able to get my answers approved by the system without going through a moderator, the answer I posted, was denied by a moderator. Perhaps they didn’t like that I didn’t sugar coat my answer.

There is a pretty obvious answer to your problem.

You two are incompatible. You two want different things. He’s abusive and it’s going to cost you your entire life.

Indeed, he has mental problems, but in a sea of mental problems, many people are too proud and dignified to get help. Your husband might not even be able to see it and even if it knows it, he probably won’t even try to correct it.

You have a non-existing self esteem. You’re a doormat. You seek love from a toxic abusive narcissist who keeps putting you down. This is what gives him an infinite source of power. Your weakness and submission makes him feel good and in control. He controls you because perhaps he feels out of control on himself, to some degree.

My aunt is in a very similar situation. She’s been in it for the last 30 ish years. She is a wretched soul. She changed religion from Buddhism to Christianity, believing that will give her power and hope while staying with him on the notion of forgiveness. Her excuse to my mom and her kids, “He needs someone to love him.” Yeah, at the cost of her own life.

She is always unhappy. She is taking all sorts of medication that is ruining her mood and her liver. She is crying all of the time. She takes out her mood on her children, who have grown to resent her. She is dead on the inside. Her smiles are hollow. She has no life.

You’re 32. You’re young. You’re my wife’s age actually. Hmm. Sure, you’ve invested thousands into your home, but you’re seriously weighing a few thousands of dollars with that of the rest of your entire life? You’re staying in this abusive shitty relationship because you have a home-based business that you can’t do anywhere else?

Nah, that’s not it. They can be complementing reasons, but the main reason is that you have no self esteem. You’re a doormat. You’re a black hole of grief. You’re chained to the one man that you chose to be with, to put your entire life to, to love until the end of time. You’re a hamster that is running on your hamster wheel of despair chasing a little piece of popcorn that you yearn for. Alas, that popcorn has rotted a long time ago. That yummy stinky cheese smell should have told you it’s gone, it’s done, leave, but it’s all you have and it’s not worth it, especially when you’re young and still capable. You can continue your life elsewhere!

Either die a hollowed-out soul, or stop making excuses to stay and take control over what’s left of your sanity. You’re 32 damn it. THIRTY TWO! You’re young. You’re willing. You can live on your own and do your own thing. You don’t need a piece of shit like him. I mean seriously. Where’s your momma or papa? Tell them you need a place to stay, while you go through your divorce and get your life back in order. You’re 32. Don’t wait another month, hoping some miracle is going to rain down on you.

Just to clarify, of course, this is a self esteem issue. She thinks she’s not good enough for her husband, therefore she continues to be in this relationship to seek his approval. When he pats her head and says, “There there, good girl”, she would feel loved and continue to stick by him, like the obedient dog she is. Does it warrant his bad behaviour? Definitely not. He is a toxic abusive asshole who should not be in any sort of relationship. Well, what about her? Does it warrant her to suffer from the hands of an abuser? Definitely not, but she’s not going to leave him, just because a few people give her advice to leave him. Often times, either death or something dramatic with external forces, would force her situation to change. Unfortunately, there are the very rare strong few that actually get out of abusive relationships. She either rescues herself, or someone else rescues her, but even then, because they have such low self esteem, they often go back to their abusive partners.

You can say I am being cruel for calling her a dog. I digress. I was not calling her a dog. I was pointing out that her husband clearly expects her to be one.

Some of the other approved answers told her it was never about her, but about her husband. Actually, it is about her because she was the one who asked the question. It is about her because she is asking what she can do in her situation. This wasn’t about what her husband should do. We all know the answer to that one. Alas, my answer wasn’t approved. I noticed that the main reason I left DearCupid all those years ago, was because of the growing clique in the member base. I used to be pretty popular in an infamous sort of way. I was even a moderator which the site owner regularly spoke with me. Alas, I notice not only is Antonio MIA, but whoever is moderating the site seem to favour a specific few.

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6 months ago

I read what she posted and oh boy, there is no doubt she needs to leave. From the sound of it, she has to try way too hard to please him, it is a horrible life when all you do is trying to dodge bullets.

I also really hope she doesn’t have any children with this man. Children will not be her salvation! Why would you want to put a child through this?

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