Previously, I spoke about insecurity, controlling behavior and a lovesick attitude towards life. If you’re interested, you can read about it here: http://thoughtrobot.com/love-relationships/insecure-controlling-and-lovesick. Today, I would like to expand on what I said there about what love is.
Truly, many people assign one variable to what they think love is and then push that definition onto others. Some of those same people further define that true love is when two people are constantly head over heels with each other, without a dent in their relationship, that love is the be all and end all of all that is life. They put the entirety of their life’s focus on the love potion they thought up in their minds, brewing in that relationship cauldron, utterly and absolutely in belief that love conquers all, even when they’re homeless and suffering from the lack of nutrients. ^_^
Harmony is not a one way street. It can only come about when all involved are connected mutually.
Love firstly is not one variable. It isn’t a thing that connects two people together. Love isn’t something that link two people together in harmony. Instead, love is a way of life that contain many gradients of variables that connect two (or at times, more) people together through an infinite web of pushes, pulls, takes and gives. So while one particular way may work for Ken, Tom, Koyuki and William, it may not necessarily work for Paul, Leto, Duncan and Chani. Again, love is not one variable that link two people together in harmony. Harmony comes after each person in the relationship recognizes that love is a way of life and only through the realization and acceptance of what connect them together, can they truly attain harmony. Harmony is not a one way street. It can only come about when all involved are connected mutually.
If you ever happen to become involved in a relationship with someone who shows strong signs of control, you need to fortify your own boundaries of what is acceptable control and what isn’t. “Acceptable control” coincides with what I said earlier about how people connect with each other. Each individual has their shade of differences from the next person. So this means that each relationship will also be different based on those shades. You may have one partner that relies more on the other and you may have one partner that is more sure of themself. People make their relationship dynamics work by recognizing and accepting those types of connections. However, this isn’t saying that you must relinquish control of your life over to someone else, just because you are less educated, less perceptive, less knowledgeable, less skillful, earn less and so on. It means that through that acknowledgment of what each of you bring to the relationship, as individuals, you wrap those contributions up in a respectful manner. Don’t believe for a moment that the other person owes you anything ever. Whatever each person brings to the relationship helps fortify the bonds that connect each person to that relationship. It should be a natural flow of actions and reactions, rather than demands the other person makes of their partner(s).
If at any time those connections seem to thin out without further contributions or fortifying of the other aspects of those connections, then as an individual, you must assess whether that relationship is worth continuing. Of course, if you both feel that more can be done for that relationship, then the next step in recognizing those issues is to plainly bring them out into the open and dynamically communicate each person’s thoughts and feelings about them. At any time if either person involved feels they must express their anger and frustration, you need to realize that the relationship is possibly at some point in time where it’s a lot thinner in some areas than others. So it would be prudent to keep those things in view and tread carefully in those particular matters. Otherwise, you may jump on them too abruptly and too hard that will help loosen the threads that bind your relationship together. While it’s true that some people can repair tears in a relationship, you also have to realize that the other person or people involved may not necessarily feel the same way.
It’s about choice, not control.
Everyone involved in romantic relationships desire that each person can grow and walk on the same path they walk on, but the reality is that each person walks their own path. It’s just that, in some relationships, some couples are able to walk side by side with little deviance, occasionally tripping here and there but such is life.
So with that said, as I mentioned in the previous entry, don’t ever let someone else dictate and demand how you live yours, even if they strongly express that what they demand of you is for your sole benefit. It’s not. If they truly want what is best for you, then they will only hold out their hand for whenever you need someone to lean on. They would only do more if you ask them to. They wouldn’t grab you and push you around like a toy, a servant, a slave or prisoner. It’s about choice, not control.
At the end of the day, if you feel that the choices your partner made do not align with the needs and wants you desire, then it’s possible that she or he isn’t the person for you. Again, harmony in a relationship can only come about when all involved are connected mutually.