[“Beyond The Borders” by Elysis][audio:elysis-beyond_the_borders.mp3]
^^ This tune was made by one of my favorite musicians of the 90’s. It was an on-going inspiration for me to continue with what can be precious to me and my parents. Elysis, amongst others, were the encouraging force that motivated me to get into tracking as a hobby back in the mid 90’s to early millenia. ^^
Another dream to add to my long list of meaningful dreams lately. I have never had a dream like this before, and it disturbs me.
The earliest I can remember is being with my mom, my dad, my brother in our van. We drove to a high school and tried to get back out. We were in the middle of a field, except there was pavement on that field. My dad suggested going to some long winded road back out, but I saw a route that lead to the main road just a few metres from us, though it wasn’t a convention path out. We ended up driving through the grass and beside a fence and finally out.
Somehow I was left alone in a massive city at night by myself. It was a city from my visions. A huge mega city, with lights and modernity and flow every where. Even the residential areas were well-constructed. I wandered there, by myself, and though I knew the city, I was still ‘lost’.
[sips some ginseng tea]
After class, I went to her house expecting Graeme, but who I found was a completely different man. She had remarried to some bald short dude with big glasses. She also became someone completely different – someone bitchy and with an attitude.
So I stayed at their house, and throughout this entire sequence, I was very depressed. I felt extreme loneliness.
The living room was dark and it had a tree in the centre. I stood there in the darkness by myself, extremely depressed as if everything in my life had vanished or fallen, and when that bald dude went downstairs for something to drink, I latched myself onto him. I called him out politely and asked if I can speak with me, as I did in real life with Graeme. Our talk was philosophical, and he was willing to chat with me, but he too looked intimated by his wife. For the next couple of days, I tried to talk with him as much as I can without bothering him too much.
At this point in the dream, I could feel an extreme sadness and extreme loneliness, like an old frail man without family or friends in a world that was a complete stranger to him and didn’t care about him. [ponders] I always said to my mom that one of my goals in life is to attain wealth, so I can rebuild the ailing regions of our culture and society, but that’s for another entry for another time.
The dream sequence skipped to my brother Edmond and I walking or driving down a street, but I ended up by myself and into a 7-11 where I met this slightly handsome Caucasian man in a black leather jacket, jeans and boots. I became ‘friends’ with him and we walked down this road, passing three houses that I kept talking about, but they have been modernized and repainted.
The first house was my eldest aunt and uncles. I told him that I spent a lot of my childhood there. The second house was probably a cross between my house at Hollycroft and our basement suite at Main Street. I told him that I had some of the best memories from there. The third house was Cindy’s. I told him that this was my girlfriend’s house. I also remembered thinking “It’s all so different now. I was inside there once – inside all of those houses.” Then many images flashed into my mind.
After that, we walked to a video store, and he brought another friend with him and my brother was there too. I became suspicious and whispered to my brother “I think he’s going to try to lure us somewhere and rape us with his friend. Let’s try to escape before they notice.” So we left.
My brother and I went back to those three houses on 29th Ave. Though wasn’t completely aware of it, I had a mild feeling that it wasn’t quite right having all three houses from my past all on one road beside each other. I also walked around the houses on their yards, thinking about past happier times. I held so much favor for these places, and so many memories. Though my brother was there that entire time, he wasn’t the brother now. He was my brother back when we were still young, when he was still my adorable little brother.
The entire dream wrecked my heart. It felt like I was heartbroken constantly, and every time my dream touched something memorable, the ambience would become night time. Experiencing those three houses from my past was extremely heart wrenching, though I did not shed a single tear or cry a single time, I felt like I was the embodiment of loneliness. It was weird though, because in all of my past dreams, whenever my family wasn’t there, I would feel scared that something happened to them, or if they were there, I would feel much more at ease. However, with this dream, even though my family was there, I was still very sad and very lonely.
The emotions were very extreme. They were very raw. I know it’s not nice to dwell, but allow me this moment since I am on the topic… When I stood there, just looking at those houses, when I stepped foot on Cindy’s yard, my mind flashed to a moment in the past, where we stood there together, and she had that nice sweet smile on her face, just staring back at me, while my right hand caressed the side of her face. The nostalgic memories were all in a duotone colour – blue and white, with the whites for the lights and blue for the rest. It was like a dream within a dream, gradual blur, fuzzy backgrounds, glowing foregrounds, happy memories. When my memories flashed to me as a 2 year old kid, sitting on a stool outside a house, filling buckets up with water, that induced so much sadness.
As I woke up, I thought, is it because I don’t feel this way in real life, that it’s just another way of saying that there are automatic barriers or mechanism in place that stops me from all of this? Now thinking back on Terry’s question on how I could have so much emotions, I would have to say this is an all new thing to me. With all these feelings bottled up unknowingly. Is that why I can get over things so quickly – is because they all go into a special dormant place?
I guess it’s like that song I remixed and recreated back in the late 90’s and called it “Island Of My Dreams”. That had a metaphor behind it, but I rather not talk about that here.
That split second flashback of Cindy and I was quite bad for me in the dream. I truly did feel like a really old man without anyone in my life, and all I had were memories of decades and decades and decades ago. [laughs internally] Well, …
I wasn’t going to enter this entry here, but I might as well. It’s not embarrassing, though it makes me feel vulnerable. Times have changed.
With this said, and with DigitalBlasphemy’s image above, I have renewed my interest in creating visionary artwork. What about music? I lost my motivation for tracking music a long time ago, with my falling out with Virginia.
When I see artwork from Digital Blasphemy, I always want to go back to creating my own visionary art-work, but the motivation was always lacking. Every time I create something, or see it from DB, or see it from my mind, I always want to bring someone dear to me into that world and share with them with what I see and feel. If I could, I would bring her to the rings of Saturn, to the eternal storms of Jupiter, to the icy mysteries of Pluto, maybe into a multi-mooned planet like the DB image above. I am one of those people who would love to share first experiences with my partner – at least her first experience.
“Beyond The Borders” has always been one of my favorite tunes. If you want to download this song or sample Elysis other tunes, go here: http://home.arcor.de/el/elysis/ns.html then click on the Music Notes icon on the left, scroll down the page and right click to save as any of the MP3 files.
Anyhow, if you all have reached this far into the entry, I would like to end this entry with another old tune by Elysis called “Astralium”. I’ve remixed this song of his so many times back then – I now have 3 or 4 versions of this tune – all mellowed out, yes even more mellow than this original. 8][audio:http://swollencheeks.com/milktea/audio/astr.mp3]