Self Reflection

Desert Raindrops

Stress, depression, restlessness, loneliness, emptiness is what describes what I have been feeling for the last few days.

Patrick messaged me a couple of days ago how after he flew back to Toronto, he succumbed to anxiety and depression again. His limited time in Metro Vancouver brought him joy and he reminded me that at any time, if I need an ear, that he would be available for me, as I was for him, regardless of the time of the day or night. That’s how it has been for when Laura was going through her woes back in the day, where I spent countless hours listening and spending time with her. It has been the same with others over the last two decades.

While I utterly appreciate Patrick’s words to me, ultimately, I don’t go to any of my friends when I need someone. I don’t function like most people. I either need solutions or an aid. I don’t need sounding boards, or people that give me cookie-cutter advice I can think up on my own. Also, no, it doesn’t make me feel better if I just let it out, unless the person I am letting it out on is a part of the issues I am having.

I haven’t actively felt loneliness for a very long time. It feels incredibly negative. It’s like when Commander Data activated his emotion chip and felt various emotions, which was quite an incredible experience for him. Unfortunately, I don’t have an off switch.

I hate that I live in the cusp of disaster based on humanity’s folly. If only I am in my elder years, then at least I can pass knowing I won’t have to witness, nor experience the terror of what might come. I wish and hope to be wrong, that humanity from now onward can come out of this. Sometimes. No, all of the time, I feel like a vessel of emotions that the universe uses me to survey humanity’s woes. I often feel I am a prophet for humanity’s woes. Therefore, I keep it all inside and not speak about it, fearing that my feelings may manifest themselves in the real world for others to bare.

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