Self Reflection

Fate & Destiny


[“ChillHouse Mix 2 (CD1)” – Cafe Del Mar]

Very delicious beats. 8]

The FTX team is on high-gear at the moment. A dozen emails has been passed back and forth since yesterday. Benny and Jason will be coming over to my place tomorrow evening to plug the PHP calls into the FTX UI. I am super excited, since we are about 95% complete. I don’t look excited, mainly due to skepticsm in business experience – to never expect anything, but always be prepared for any setbacks. In this business, in any business, I think that managing personel should always have an alternative when doing anything. This may seem obvious, but you should understand that there are a lot of more pride-ridden people than there are sensible people.

Before I get back into the opening subject of this entry, I would like to declare something. Just something to get rid of the excess, and to start the ‘move-on’.


This is something that will never change, is my feelings at the moment towards Cindy. Over time, these feelings may dilute – especially the positive ones and the majority negative ones. Of course, I will always remember depending on the things I do, things I talk about, things I see, places I visit, and similar activities a bit more exclusive to our past together. The world used to be quite large for me, but my ending relationship with Cindy proved that in this section of my life thus far, the world is friggin tiny. Of course, not literally.

A few years ago, reuniting with Albert proved to me for the first time that the world is indeed a very tiny place – reuniting out of all places out of all times. If indeed karma exists to whatever degree, maybe this is it. Having Albert and I reunite, and having Cindy and Nelson meet, have her emotionally cheat on me, and now they’re sleeping together. Well, they’ve been doing that half a week after we broke up. Fantastic world isn’t it?

Anyway, so sometimes, I feel as though there is a negative imbalance in karma between Albert and I. Maybe our reunion is for me to balance his and his to balance with mine. It may not seem that way, but it does strangely feels that way.

Last night, Albert and I took Edmund to Shabusen for dinner and drinks. I told them that my mom thinks my best trait is being dutiful, and my worst trait is being vengeful. Albert grinned and said his worst trait is also being vengeful, but his best trait is like mine, being dutiful. Then he changed his worst trait and said it was temper instead. I agree, but Ed suggested that Albert’s temper has gotten better.


Well, I guess… Considering there aren’t any new holes in the walls and furniture. [laughs]

Now over the past decade, many people has wronged Albert. Over the past decade, many people have also wronged me – more so in the recent past. In the very recent past, Albert’s major fall-out with his relatives coinciding in time with my fall-out with Cindy. That’s a major reason how I was able to keep the anger from exploding into a massive chaotic rage and go all out in ruining Cindy’s life. [snickers] No, but it did keep my anger down to a calmer state. The reason being I had to help Albert deal with his problems. If I wasn’t calm, dire consequences would have ensued. The least I could do was be there with him.

Now over a month has passed, and quite a lot has happened in a concentrated matter in each of our individual lives. We both have a massive cauldron of toxic vengence, but at the same time, we both also have a very concentrated duty to the projects we serve. Cindy should be glad she has absolutely no connection to me, save Carlo, but he’s just married in, and Cindy hasn’t exactly been totally truthful to any of her friends from the start.


You know what she once told me before we dated? She said that a person’s friends give an idea of the type of person s/he is. Since March 2005 all the way March 2006, I had this saying of her’s by heart. First thing that comes to mind is “irresponsibility” then the rest – “lack of family values”, “dishonorable”, “false rumor spreading”, “lack of duty”, “disloyalty”, “using each other”, “superficiality”, “narrow-minded”, and “two-faced”. Now, this pertains to the ‘friends’ that she goes clubbing and partying with. For the friends she goes to have get-together dinners, they’re okay. Towards me, they are misunderstood, since Cindy had an excellent knack for telling them half-truths about the so-called negatives. Which still fucking bugs that shit out of me, but then this can’t be helped. She wants to protect her own image, and shit like that, so be it.

Well, that’s that. Now she’s met some of my friends – Jon, Albert, Pat, and Ed. I would have introduced her to Ben, Graeme, Laura, and Marlon, but Ben is in Australia, Graeme is chock full of school stuffs, Laura is in Taiwan, and Marlon is way too busy with his family. When I think of my friends, these words come to mind, “dutiful, honorable, family-oriented, successful, sentimental, spiritual, heart-felt, memorable, caring, supportive, and loving”.

I don’t have multi-facated friends. They are either my brothers and sisters, or they are acquaintences – on the spectrum of course. I just wish that we can all stand together. Alas, we all have our own lives at the moment.

Anyway, I realized when she betrayed my trust that I had been a fool from the beginning to have allowed myself to trust her with my thoughts. I think for my next relationship, I’ll definitely protect my friends, family, and myself with a complete fortification. Unlike Cindy where I allowed her into my domain, for my future relationship, I’ll actually let myself out instead of letting her in.

However, it’s just like what that girl’s mom (from the movie 13 Going On 30) had said, she regretted nothing, even though she made a lot of mistakes, etc, because if she hadn’t made them, she would never have had the opportunity to change because of them. [nods] I agree. Of course, it sounds obvious, but sometimes simple words like that simply allows buried thoughts to resurface and reacquaint with oneself. Like when my mom nags me to death about stuff and things… 8/


I think I can finally let things go once Carlo and Donna’s wedding dinner thingamajig comes and goes. Though I won’t be attending, I still have to create the art-piece for them. When that day arrives, I will be working on Razor stuff with Benny. I’ll make it so I am busy that day. After that, I think my emotions would have been stablilized already, and my concentration at 100%. Who knows if I will be dating someone new by then. I might not considering I have always left my intimate rendezvous’ with fate.

Fate is the point in which we end up doing what we do, and destiny is the path it takes to get to that point. I’m just wondering, where I am going this time.

It’s midnight, so I have to go soon, lest Benny and Jason gang rapes my ass if I don’t get my end of the FTX UI done by tomorrow. Shit! NVM! I have to wake up at 5:45am to drive my dad to work first. [sigh] Well, I’ll get my hour of work then.

Let’s stop talking about her from now on okay? Seems like I have things to say all the time, but in 3 and a half months, everything will be over. Better update the Photo Album and move her pictures to the bottom of the list.

Chum Cha!


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15 years ago

We’re no more destined to be, than fate holding us.

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