There has been no day or night that I do not think of her. When I am at work, at home, out with my friends, out riding my bike, out hiking – I think of her.
There is one recent voice message she left for me that I have saved on my cell phone accidentally and heard it two nights ago. My heart skipped a beat when I heard her soft girly voice. If I could, I wanted to put my hands on either side of her face and give her lips a kiss.
I am constantly turned on by her, even though she is so far away. There was a night as I laid in bed last weekend, a hot night with the window opened and the fan blowing that I thought of her laying beside me, with her arm over me and her face resting on my shoulders. I imagined caressing her arms with my hand, sliding it from her shoulders to her elbows and back. I would place my hand on her face and rub my thumb gently on her cheeks, maybe she would bite me in the process.
I did fall in love with her and I will confess that I greatly miss her.
However, I knew it was ‘over’ when her uncertainties for us became even more apparent after her trip, facing her ‘troubles’ again, that I cannot do anything to help her at the moment. It was ‘over’ when she last called me three weeks ago and called me by my shortened name as we said our good nights to each other. It was her first time calling me by my shortened name.
The thing is, what I really want is not achievable at the moment and I ‘toil’ away every day ‘trying’ to fill my life up with things that can put my mind a bit more at rest, my body a bit more occupied, my emotions a bit more diluted.
We are still friends, she is still my ‘special’ friend with our ‘special’ page and ‘special’ moments, but as much effort as I can put into this ‘relationship’, it still lacks enough pull for us to work out. I just wished I had at least one kiss from her, one hug, one more time to hear her voice. Alas, it would probably be tough for me to let her go on those. She gave me perspective. She gave me heartache, but she also gave me some emotional love.
You’ll always have a place in my heart, even when the years have gone by. That video of chopsticks and a video letter will be up soon. I’m really busy and want to be less emotionally occupied before I put it up for you. Before this weekend. I love you.