Self Reflection

Reactionless Amidst Grief

It’s 12:14pm. I am listening to “Enigmatic Encounter” by ATB. I’m at 3:08 on the timescale. I am super inspired. Let’s not let this pass.

So first of all, welcome to my blog. It’s about time. I know, but I got stuck along the way. I thought I could take Leemanism all the way with me, but I needed a new place to evolve the documentation of the rest of my life’s journey. I need a place that represents me wholly. So what better place, than a website that is literally my name?

The last few days, was a bit of a blur. Not that anything particularly special happened. I was depressed, but it was bad. It was worst than usual. For a long while, at the very least, even though I was down and about, I still had the basic emotions to back me up. I was still empathetic to a point. I was still able to reciprocate. Then for a short while after that, I was happier. I was more at ease. I felt slightly more alive. I was somewhat more positive. Then one day, not long after, I noticed I wasn’t reacting to negativity, the sadness of other people, the pain other people were going through. I realized my depression had crept up to me like a ninja and assassinated my humanity.

And there I was, standing amidst grief, yet not reacting to it.

I’m not saying I am not capable of feeling emotion, but literally, I did not react to the majority of it – not even anger, if I am normally angry coinciding a situation. As if a part of my brain wasn’t capable of functioning in lieu of emotions that normally would have affected me greatly, or at least, to some degree. I was just hollow, with a vague haunting feeling somewhere as distant whispers way beyond my reach, and barely within earshot, remind me that I am still human, maybe.

So I must assert my humanity, like it is a thing that can be used. Like a tool that I can put away and take out again when needed. I know I am not fully incapable of feeling emotion. I still laugh. I still shed tears. I can still feel certain things, but for the most part, when my feelings should have triggered, they didn’t. It is only when I deliberately seek out things that would trigger my emotions, that my emotions come out, but even then, I find that the only consistency out of all of this, is my recognition of injustice and the grief, as well as anger that come from that. However, it is not a healthy variable to have. Alas, even then, I find that I am a lot more calm, and able to let it go to some degree than I used to. This is not saying I am more wise, and able to let things go better. This is saying that I am simply fucked and it’s not so monotone to the way my brain works.

I keep a photo of myself on my computer desk. It’s a photo of me standing on the edge of Garibaldi Lake looking over to the mountains in the distance, taken around 5:30 in the morning way back in the summer of 2006. It’s one of the most beautiful memories I have. I wish I could back there for a longer time, but with my illnesses, no way I can do that. There is a lot I wish I could still do, but I cannot, because perhaps, I will not.

Regardless, before I continue to trail off and spend the last few speckles remaining of my initial inspiration, I will end it here with a ‘thank you’. ♥


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