Self Reflection

Spice and Wolf

For anime lovers, the title of this post will be familiar, if not obvious. For the dimwitted or the lack of knowledge, I am the Spice and my wife is the Wolf. For further understanding on what “Spice and Wolf” means, you should give this post a read.

In a previous entry, The Dishonest Kiss, I mentioned that I had an on and off emotional rendezvous with a female friend, while I was involved in a long distance relationship with Amber. This was back in February 2012, that lasted for just over a year, a few months before I got married in Germany in September 2013. It was a time of reflection. I wasn’t proud of it, but it didn’t devastate me either. I thought it was just a natural order of things that happened when it did and stopped happening when that reflection period ran its course.

With this said, I would like to bring up the concept of polyamory. A polyamorous relationship involves more than two people. Do not mistake this as an open relationship. They are two different things.

In an open relationship, each couple, within the confines of the relationship rules, can have intimacy with another person without having them involved in their existing relationship. In a polyamorous relationship, everyone is involved in the growth and foundation of that relationship. For example, John could be married to Marie. Marie has a boyfriend named Sean. John and Sean consider each other complements of the relationship. Occasionally, they have a threesome with Marie. Sometimes, Marie has one-on-one sex with either John or Sean. However, their relationship isn’t dictated by only sex. Their relationship is a combination of romance and intimacy. In a polyamorous relationship, John and Marie are legally married, but through their intimate connection with each other, Sean has equal standing in that relationship. Of course, the exact details and connections will differ from relationship to relationship.

I would also like to point out what cheating is and what it isn’t. Cheating is breaking the rules of the relationship. Cheating is not dictated by people not related to the relationship. At the same time, while those involved in the relationship dictate those rules, it is also wise to recognize when rules are unreasonable. That is why it’s always a great idea for new couples to talk about what those rules are.

Now, rules differ from person to person, relationship to relationship. Just because the rules worked for Sean and Marie, doesn’t mean those same rules work for Marie and John. This is where equity comes into play. Equity is recognizing what the individual can offer and allowing them the means to contribute and thrive in an environment of equal opportunity. So for example, if my wife makes ten times more money than I do, then I should do my part to alleviate housework for her, for the amount of work she does at her company. Another example is if I am the only person with a driver’s license, then the onus is on my to pick up the groceries or if my wife comes along, then I should do all or most of the work of pushing the cart, carrying the bags, etc, unless she is inclined to do them herself. Of course, these examples are not rules, but they are good enough to give you an idea of what equity and equality is.

For me, I am capable of loving more than one person. My wife knows this, even before we got married. It does bother her, because she believes in monogamous relationships and she has been conditioned this way since birth. For me, while my parents are monogamous people, ultimately, they never taught me the intricacies of romance, nor did they ever guide me through the concepts of sex and intimacy. I learned all of that in my twenties and thirties.

Mind you, this is not saying that polyamorous people can’t get jealous. It’s how we get involved in those relationships, how confident we are to ourselves and our attitudes going into them, that are important factors to think about. I know that I will never have a polyamorous relationship with my wife. Though she has teased the idea of getting a lesbian girlfriend, she’s solely speaking for the benefit of herself. That’s not a polyamorous relationship. That’s just her wanting a cuddle buddy to fool around with, while I suffer the consequences of being blue balled.

To give you an idea what a polyamorous relationship would be like, I would be married to Amber. She would have a bisexual or lesbian girlfriend and perhaps, even another man as her boyfriend. Her bisexual girlfriend might have a connection with me, and so perhaps we can share her intimately and emotionally. Occasionally, I would also spend time with her boyfriend as friends do. Sometimes, her boyfriend may ask me for tips on dealing with Amber and I would sincerely help him out. Every now and then, we would have sex. Sometimes, I would make love to our girlfriend. Sometimes, Amber would have a bubble bath with her boyfriend, while I’m preparing dinner. Sometimes, we would all be engaged in a small orgy. It’s all about the dynamics, the connection and recognizing who each person is to each person in the relationship. Rules would be talked about and evolved over time.

I am of the belief that no one person can fulfill the needs and wants of their partner. Why else do people have friends? Why else do people have more than one friend? It’s because each friend gives a set of things that are compatible with you. In an intimate and romantic relationship, it should be no different. The only real difference is your maturity going into such a relationship and the capability to really go into one, knowing what sort of attitude is needed.

In my previous situation with the friend, ideally, we would not be having an emotional affair and instead, we would be having a relationship while my fiance at the time, would have full knowledge and acceptance. When my fiance and I gets married, my friend would have been there to celebrate the moment with us. Of course, that would never happen, no matter how much I would like it to.

Also, in my mind, love isn’t a singular emotion. It’s an infinite series of feelings and connections we have with a person, that make us feel dynamically bound to that person. So my love for Amber might be similar to my love for another woman, but ultimately, the connections I have with either person are different.

I know what some of you might be thinking right now. I might resent this monogamous marriage eventually. Well, I don’t think I would resent it, but I will honestly say that it is very confining. So I try to find other ways to fulfill what I want in a polyamorous relationship with what my wife is capable of, in a monogamous one. This is what I was talking about earlier, about equity. While at the very core, I accept my wife for who she is, she can always continue to improve herself, just as I continue to improve myself both physically and intellectually. So while one major part of my life is ‘missing’, that void must be filled in by an equally important part of what I ‘require’ in a relationship, no matter its type.

Let’s put it this way. My wife makes up for what she isn’t capable of, with what she can do for her and I. For the short of it, she looks amazing in black high heels, wearing a Virgin Killer sweater and a black stringy thong. Her super pouty lips, wicked panda eyes and long black hair rouses my cock to attention. So in short, she knows if she cannot fulfill the polyamorous aspect of my life, she then at least will fulfill it with what she can. Also, not having children in our lives do make it a lot easier and simpler. ^_^

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