I find it difficult to live in a world where there is an ‘intricate’ and unnecessary complication in the network of people. For example, I ‘smoke-up’ every now and then – once or twice a month. Who don’t I want to know this? My mom and my dad. Why? Because they will both think it is bad for me, thus, it will worry them. For everyone else, I don’t give a shit. However, I can see why this matters to many people on this planet. Since this substance is ‘frowned’ upon, obviously there are many people who have an adverse perspective to this. Therefore, whoever ‘smokes-up’ are ‘bad’ people.
I will make no excuse because no one deserves it and I require none. Indeed, I won’t volunteer my ‘secrets’, but if anyone asks, I might just answer.
One thing Albert once said to me a few years ago is that no matter how ‘ridiculous’ or how far-fetched nor personal a question may be, I seem to answer 99% of anything asked of me. Of course. I cannot live a dishonest life. Indeed, if I know that person is going to use it against me which will harm more than myself, than I will not divulge that information. However, key words: “harm more than myself”.
Though it may seem my comments here are directed at specific people, they are not. I’ve had these thoughts before, far longer than when I met these people recently. The point of this entry was to address my discomfort of needing to adhere to social protocol, as well as being upset that I allowed myself to being integrated into social drama.
Monday evening, I was buzzed with some friends and apparently I said some stuff I wasn’t supposed to say. I was quite upset with myself and obviously, took it quite critically and personal. People don’t understand why I do. They have preconceived ideas as to why, but they have it completely wrong.
The concept of being ‘appropriate’ is a foreign mentality to me. Indeed, tact is one thing, but tact isn’t needed with me. Of course, it’s not me I’m interacting with. I am interacting with others. That’s what makes it socially acceptable.
I had the entire day to think about this and I feel that the less I interact with common society, the more comfortable I am and the more ‘at home’ I feel. One of the things I said to a friend that night, as tears were streaming down my face was that I value his friendship and I am willing to give it up, so he may further his own agendas. You see, to me, I don’t have social agendas. I am a mercenary. The only thing I care about is the pay cheque that gets cashed in, so I can give some of it to my parents and that I still have enough for the occasional drink and outing.
Ask me anything…
When was the first time you kissed a girl?
9 or 10 years old.
How often do you drink alcohol?
Not as often as I used to. I try to drink more these days, to counter the shit I am constantly feeling. Obviously, I am drinking with the wrong crowd if I can’t even trust my judgment of their own character.
Have you ever stolen anything?
Yes. I stole $20 from my parents’ cash registrar for a couple of He-Man toys. My mom found out and was disappointed, but at the time, I was not aware of this. Many years later, in my adult years, I apologize for being such an inconsiderate selfish boy. I’m pretty sure I’ve ‘paid’ them back a million times over by now.
Have you done anything stronger than pot?
Never. My exes had stuff like LSD and Ecstasy and had offered but I never accepted them and instead, gave those girls a scolding.
Ever drag raced on city streets before?
Yes, a long time ago. Twice and never again.
It’s lame. I think the less I hang out with the friends that are involved with social drama, the easier things are for everyone. I value their friendships, but I cannot really live like this, being held back by social protocol and social appropriateness.
I say “thank you” a lot and I do say “please” a lot as well. However, that came with upbringing. It’s like breathing air.
Anyhow, I am done.